by WindUpDoll
Supposedly we haven’t yet seen the best, or worst, auditions. American Idol has been saving them for last. And since we’ve all been good boys & girls, we get to see them now.
First up is a duo of bad: Casper the Crazy Ghost and Goat-Bleating Boy. One’s a huge white guy in a very white, very large T-shirt. The other is an average ethnic-looking guy. They’re both weird, and probably delusional.
Then we get one of the good singers, Amy. She’s ok to me, as far as the singing goes, but she looks cuter than her voice sounds. She’s going to Hollywood.
Featured singer time! The next contestant believes the Holy Spirit told her to go & audition. Her pastor told her that her voice is ‘more maturing.’ They show her doing some ‘vocal niceness’ that sounds a bit like those emergency horns, only not as loud. I thank the Lord for this small favor on this Ash Wednesday. She’s going to sing ‘Hallelujah,’ and not the Leonard Cohen version. The Lord did not bring the voice during auditions, so no Hollywood for her.
We have a couples montage, and are introduced to the first extremely creepy threesome. I could make a joke about how the blonde has to have a threesome with the twins because she can’t tell them apart. She’s dating Chris and Cory, the twins in canary polos. They make reference to the Brittenum twins of last season. Apparently they don’t remember that they went to jail. They do a cheesy rap about themselves, and one of them forgets their own lyrics.
The girlfriend with her outrageously cute puppy named Panda auditions next. She essentially offers up her dog and herself to Simon for a golden ticket. We cut to the twin boyfriends ripping her singing ability in the hallway. She doesn’t believe Simon when he calls her horrific. She asks if it’s ‘opposite day.’ Panda totally gets through to Hollywood, but she doesn’t.
Next up is a girl who looks a lot like Guin Turner. She sings ‘One Night Only’ from Dreamgirls, and I like her voice. Simon thinks she’s too theatrical. Paula thinks she has a very mature voice. Randy & Paula put her through.
A Hoboken plus-sized model is up next in front of the judges. She sang the National Anthem at Madison Square Garden for a basketball tournament, which impresses the judges. Her voice gets small when she hits some notes, but she’s good enough to get the nod from Randy and Paula.
Celine Dion is done again by the next contestant. She’s got a weird Minnie-Mouse bleat to her voice, but she’s loud. Randy & Paula think she’s got some Dolly Parton qualities to her voice. Simon challenges her to go learn a Dolly Parton song & come back. She talks to her mom, at least I assume it’s her mom, to find out what Dolly Parton sings. Ryan gives her some of the big ones. We’ll be seeing her later in the show.
American Idol uses technology! She pulls up a video of “Islands In The Stream” to learn it. How does she do? Well, it’s like Minnie Mouse singing Islands In The Stream. Paula loves the tone of her voice. Simon abstains. They’re so stringing her along. She’s another load-lightener. Simon admits Paula was right.
Brandi decides to whip off a gold lame wrap during her performance. An angry, nasally 17-year-old drops about 3 f-bombs during his performance. Then we get J-Smoov in a red hoodie. He likes to punctuate his performance with a handful of glitter. He also gets on his knees to sing to Paula. He likes the ladies. Or so he says. Many times over. Simon hates the performance. Randy actually thinks he has a good voice, but he’s not ready yet.
We then have latzie of Simon making Ryan sweep up the glitter. The American Idol stagehand gets caught in the middle. Simon insists on helping, but only when the cameras are on. I actually like these little moments of punchiness. It reminds me of the storm coverage I’ve seen all day around here. Watching people who’ve been working for over 14 hours is funny.
We get a repeating auditioner. Apparently last time, Randy wasn’t feeling him, so he’s here to bring it & prove him wrong. He starts off rough, and Simon thinks that he’s not quite interesting enough. Randy and Paula put him through, and the second time’s the charm, as he’s going to Hollywood.
The last auditioner of this episode is someone else who has auditioned in the past. This time, he’s singing “Proud Mary.” He’s got a bit of 17-year-old musical damage, but I like his voice. It’s unexpected coming out of a little skinny teenager. That unexpected voice is going to Hollywood.
The auditions are over. Ryan says the judges are happy they’re over. I am too. I’m ready for them to get on with it. Ew, I just saw the heart & key father & son duo. I had forgotten about them for a second.
Next week is Hollywood week. Time for me to watch some meltdowns as they separate the wheat from the chaff. Excellent. Aw — they just said that there will be less drama. That’s disappointing. Let’s see who makes it.