Is it just me, or has Ryan’s ‘This… is American Idol‘ gotten even cheesier? I didn’t think it was possible, but I think he’s achieved some kind of Easter miracle with tonight’s delivery. The pause was longer, there was a head-bob going on. All kinds of queso.
The Idols are belched out from the center of the stage, instead of coming down the stairs. Tonight’s theme is: “You’re Old, America!” I mean, songs from the year the contestants were born.
Up first — Ramiele. She was born in 1987. Hang on, I need some oxygen. Ok, better now. She blah, blah, blahs about the first time she sang ’cause it’s ‘family album’ night for the getting-to-know-the-contestants segment. She does reveal that she used to bite other kids all the time. I’ll leave that alone. Back to business — she’s singing Heart’s ‘Alone.’ She’s ok in parts; she has a few bum notes and other times she’s a screaming banshee. But that’s all a part of the song. Randy thinks that the song is too big for her. Paula’s glad that America knows that Ramiele can sing. Both judges have discussed how sick she is. I’m thinking Paula’s gloves are pretty sick, and not the good sick. Simon doesn’t think she was that bad and that since she’s been worse, she’ll get through this week. She is in the death slot, but she has a huge fan base, so it could go either way.
Jason Castro was also born in 1987. Need another drag off the oxygen tank. He discusses how he used to annoy his parents with a toy guitar. He’s singing ‘Fragile’ by Sting. That song always reminds me of 21 Jump Street and that Peter DeLuise’s wife was killed by guerrillas in El Salvador. Jason’s version is a bit peppier than the original, and he breaks into what I assume is a Spanish version. I guess he’s feeling like if he sings in another language he’s got a lock on votes. Randy says it was nice but didn’t do anything new for him. Paula thinks Jason is staying true to who he is. Thank you, Paula. Simon thinks he’s had two bad weeks and equates his performance to a busker. He thinks Jason could win, but he won’t if he keeps doing what he’s doing.
Syesha was also born in 1987. What is with that year? I was rocking the mall hair in 1987. Syesha tells us she is goofy. It’s very insightful. She’s singing ‘If I Was Your Woman’ which I’m not remembering at all. It’s all ballady and stuff. Randy thinks it’s the best Syesha has ever sounded. Randy’s throwing out all the adjectives, summarizing with a ‘blazing hot.’ Paula is saying that this is what we’ll all remember when Syesha ‘flipped it.’ Simon doesn’t think the end was as good as Randy thought and that that performance was as good as Syesha is going to get. Paula thinks Syesha was creating magic. We’ll see if America thinks so, too.
Chikezie is so old. He was born in 1985. He’s been singing for a long time. His parents are from Nigeria. We don’t really learn much, other than he’s singing ‘If Only For One Night.’ Again, I’m not familiar with this one. He sounds good, though, building on his past good performances. It’s not an exciting song, but he does it well. Randy comments that he didn’t update the song. It was too old school for him. Paula thinks it was a good throwback song and that Chikezie did a great job! Simon thought he sang it well, but that the performance was cheesy. Chikezie tries to stand up for himself, but Simon calls him on being a bit indulgent. I think he’ll stay around, but it’s not my call.
Wow! Brooke is really old! She was born in 1983! She can play piano by ear. She makes me ill. Now I really want to hear her do a Tori Amos song. She can do something tame like ‘Winter.’ She’s doing ‘Every Breath You Take’ by the Police. Yes, she’s sounding sweet instead of like a psycho stalker. She baubles the beginning but recovers. I don’t know if it’s the right song for her. I mean, it’s not a sweet song. It’s not. I don’t care if it gets used in weddings; it’s about stalking. Randy thought the beginning was good, but he didn’t like it when the band came in. Paula enjoyed this performance more than last week’s and calls her consistent. Simon agrees with Randy — if she had stayed with just her and the piano it would’ve been more interesting for him. She feels bad about having to hit the restart button on her song, but even Ryan tells her to get over it.
Ooooh! I could design a Coke glass! Oh, man will the shilling ever end?
Michael Johns is the grandpa of the group with a birth year of 1978. He’s always been super-competitive. For some reason he’s doing Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions’ medley. He’s got an ok voice, but he’s not Freddie Mercury. He cracks a few times, but can hold the longer notes. Of course the band totally rocks out and Michael just can’t be loud enough in some sections. It’s not a hot tranny mess like ‘A Day In The Life.’ Randy thinks it was his best performance. Paula thinks he found the right song finally. Simon says it’s the first time he’s seen star potential with him. He also calls it the only memorable performance of the night so far. I didn’t hear it.
Carly was born in 1983 in Dublin. She was named after Carly Simon since she was on the radio when Carly’s mom went into labor. Awesome, she’s singing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart.’ Man where’s a wind machine when you need one. There are times when she seems to run out of breath, but she does a good job with one of the cheesiest songs ever written. She needed more wind. Randy doesn’t think it was the right song for her and says something about not liking the ‘rock thing’ with her. Huh? Paula loves that she takes songs that she doesn’t like and makes Paula like them. Simon didn’t enjoy it as much as he thought he would. He cautions her to relax and not be so uptight.
David Archuleta is missing school, including dances — including PROM! Apparently there’s a girl sitting next to his dad that he would’ve taken. He was born — hang on, I need oxygen here — 1990. Good thing I’m sitting down. He’s singing ‘You’re The Voice.’ Never heard of it, but then again I had better things to do, like starting college. I could be this kid’s mom. Oy. David does a good job. Randy says the performance proves that if you can sing, you can sing whatever. Paula rips him a little for the song choice, as the judges didn’t recognize it either. Simon didn’t like the performance — he thought it was a little too theme park. He’s envisioning animated creatures. Perhaps like Rob Lowe and Snow White at the Academy Awards? Simon also makes some statement that he doesn’t believe David picked the song. Hmmm. Subtle rip on stage dad, perhaps?
Kristy Lee Cook was born in 1984. She was loud as a child. She’s using that volume as a weapon now. She’s singing ‘God Bless The USA.’ I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone that we do NOT, I repeat, do NOT need to stand when hearing this song. It is not a national anthem, regardless of what the guy next to you who’s drunk a twelve-pack on his own says. They must be running out of time because Randy gives a ‘yeah’ and he’s done. Paula cannot be rushed, and compliments her song choice. Simon thinks it was her best performance and a very smart choice. It definitely was a smart choice. So smart I still hope she goes home this week.
David Cook was born in 1982. He had a massive skull. You still have a massive skull, David. He’s been in music for a long time. Blah, blah, blah. He’s singing ‘Billie Jean’ and of course he’s David-Cooking it up. But this time he’s starting all mellow and serious with it. You know it’s going to build and ROCK OUT. I hate to admit it, but this one works for me. Probably because the original song didn’t really fit the lyrics. It was a little too poppy for the subject matter. But because he didn’t start out rocking, it worked for me. Randy again thinks that David might be in it to win the whole thing. Paula can’t sit down because he’s so brave. He goes to the edge without going over. Simon also thought it was brave because it could’ve been insane or amazing. Simon dubs it amazing.
With that, the voting is open. Who will make it through this week? Only your votes will count, America. We’ll see if you get it right tomorrow.