Britney’s back, bitch. (Sorry, we couldn’t resist.) Britney Spears returns to her role as Stella’s receptionist Abby this week. Abby, it turns out, was the former flame who was causing Barney to get slapped (at least, a little more often than normal) during “The Bracket” episode a few weeks ago.
After that revelation, we cut to a scene where Lily, tired of feigning enthusiasm over one of her student’s uninspired art projects, lets her real feelings out. As she later tells Ted at home: “Today I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.” Haven’t we all been there? Marshall comes home with some bad news. The cost of repairing the slanted floor in their new apartment will be higher than they anticipated, and he thinks it’s time for Lily to sell her stuff — which, incidentally, is a game the two of them play in the bedroom. Marshall clarifies that he wants Lily to sell some of her clothes, because they’re worth more than his (and because he’s not selling his Split Happens bowling shirt). He has set up a website lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com, which is probably a better option than Lily’s suggestion, guyforceshiswifetodressinagarbagebagforthhenextthreeyears.com.
Meanwhile, Barney and Abby bond over their mutual dislike for Ted, although clearly they both miss him. Just talking about him gets them all hot and bothered. Or at least one of them.
Abby: “Are you as turned on as I am?”
Barney: “Probably not quite as much.”
It’s easy to see why Abby still has feelings for Ted. After all, he can totally pull off wearing red cowboy boots. Or at least he thinks he can. On a side note, some classic Westerns that include red cowboy boots are: The Good, the Bad and the Fabulous, The Magnificent Kevin and No Country for Straight Men.
While everyone mocks Ted for his choice of footwear, Lily hatches an alternative plan for making money. Instead of selling her clothes, she’ll sell her paintings. Marshall, showing his marital inexperience, tells her that the kind of money they need “only goes for real paintings.” A pissed-off Lily sets out to prove him wrong.
Her first attempt is displaying one of her paintings at a friend’s art gallery, to the sounds of the I’m From Barcelona song “The Painter.” (“I’m just a painter/I do my crappy art.”) Unfortunately, her clothes attract more attention than her art. The second attempt, displaying her work at a coffeehouse, gives Robin a chance to try her hand at being an amateur art critic: “Wow, I really like that painting. It’s neat. The colors are neat. The shapes are neat. It’s really just … neat.” While Robin goes the neato burrito route, Ted is a bit more cerebral in his assessment, inspiring Robin to add one more compliment: “And you can still enjoy it even if you’re not a pretentious douche.” I know that’s what I always look for in a piece of art.
Back in the anti-Ted camp, Barney and Abby are lying in bed talking about you-know-who and his “stupid lame awesome hair.” They hatch a plan.
Abby: “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
Barney: “I think so.”
Abby: “You’re thinking of having sex with Ted?”
Fortunately, Barney is doing the thinking for both of them. He and Abby are going to show Ted how obnoxious he is when he’s in a relationship. Predictably, it works about as well as Lily trying to sell her painting on the streets next to Crazy Sock Guy — who, by the way, likes heroin but not Lily’s painting. Barney and Abby show up at McLaren’s in matching robin’s egg blue sweaters, and Barney proceeds to tell Ted and Marshall, “I am done with this whole ‘being awesome’ thing. Now I’m all about farmers markets and day hikes and matching khaki cargo shorts.” Then he takes the charade too far, and proposes to Abby — who, of course, doesn’t get that it’s just a bit.
Lily shows up with news that a GCWOK (a gay couple without kids) has bought her painting — and with a napkin telling her non-believing husband to “suck it.” (Another side note: Gay guys love Marshall.) Sadly, the GCWOK only bought the painting for the frame, and Lily’s painting winds up in the Dumpster — where a veterinarian finds it while tossing out a bag of dog testicles. (It’s been a busy day — lots of neutering.) It turns out that Lily’s paintings are a big hit with dogs (although they tend to make birds suicidal). Marshall is the one who finds all of this out for Lily, and he even sets up a website for Lily to sell her work to veterinarians all over the country.
The episode closes with Abby trying to decide between a Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss wedding cake. She’s nixed a possible July 4th wedding date to avoid stealing attention from America. That’s when Barney lies his way out of the marriage by telling her that Ted is in love with her. She buys it, and Ted can probably expect a visit at about 2 or 3 in the morning. That’s probably not going to help Barney get back in Ted’s good graces, but we know it happens eventually, so for now everything is neato burrito.
Other Highlights: Lily recalling the time she got a two-syllable “damn” in her favorite dress; the fact that Robin shops online under the screen name Canadagirl@MetroNews1; Lily making small talk with Crazy Sock Guy: “Do you like heroin?”
Best Barneyism: Barney’s ever-so-sensitive pillow talk.
Abby: “I’m sorry I yelled out ‘Ted'”
Barney: “I’m sorry I yelled out ‘Abby'”
Abby: “I am Abby.”
Barney: “Oh. Cool.”
Photo: Cliff Lipson/CBS ©2008 CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.