Just as the guys are heading out for a day of paintball, Joe rolls by and tells them he’s a no-go, since Bonnie could have her baby at any moment. Tired of Joe’s constant inability to hang out because of Bonnie’s eternally looming delivery, Peter decides to induce labor using Two and a Half Men as bait. Soon enough, Bonnie’s in the hospital, and Joe has a daughter (wheelchair first).
As soon as little Susie comes home, Stewie falls head over heels in love with her, mid-twist-tie-rant, and starts writing a song to win her heart. It’s a lame song, since the only line he can come up with is “Susie, you’re a baby” before resorting to a running first-person narrative about chords. Eventually, he gives up on that and goes high-tech, creating a music video to “Everything I Do I Do It For You.”
Meanwhile, Joe’s hospital bills force him to get a job as a busboy at the Drunken Clam, but a loan shark offers to help him out instead. Of course, now he just owes 20 grand to the loan shark, whose associates come and mangle Joe’s legs (ha) when he can’t pony up. Peter and the guys decide to help Joe raise the money with a spiked lemonade stand, which doesn’t make much money but produces a yard full of hilariously drunk little kids. Then they try an exotic massage parlor, and just wind up with hurt feelings. In desperation, they ask Lois’ dad for the money, but he makes a smoothie out of it instead.
As a last-ditch effort, Peter comes up with a plan to rob Lois’ dad. This plan involves us having to sit through a tired rehashing of the Christian Bale rant. Yay. During a big benefit at the mansion, Peter and Quagmire distract everyone with “The Safety Dance” while Cleveland makes his way to the vault. He cuts through the outer vault with Reese Witherspoon’s chin, and calls the guys in. Cleveland’s impeccable impersonation skills get them through the first set of doors, Quagmire disables the penile identification system on the second set, and Peter answers a trivia question to get them into the vault. But then Lois breaks into the surveillance van and gives Joe a speech about doing what’s right for his daughter’s sake, and he calls the whole operation off. But only after Megatron yells at him.
Over dinner, Stewie says he’s over Susie and is instead in love with Bryan Adams. And Joe’s off the hook because Lois got the money from her dad by telling him she wanted to get a divorce lawyer.
Highlights? A few:
• Brian’s parody of Stewie’s “writing a novel, eh?” bit
• Zune pwned by the iPod
• Hannity & Colmes
• Stewie’s music video (especially the “Wrapped Around Your Finger” bit)