By Mike
Superstars is back! Well, sort of. The competition show premiered as a two-hour special in 1973 and ran on and off (mostly on) until 2003. Past winners have included O.J. Simpson, Mark Gastineau and Jason Sehorn, plus Herschel Walker and Willie Gault, whose battles in the late ’80s first got us hooked on the show. The old format of the show saw pro athletes competing against one another in various events, such as running, rowing, cycling and weightlifting. The new version pairs the sports stars with celebrities and adds a “The” to the title. Other than that, it seems to be the same.
The teams:
Buffalo Bills receiver Terrell Owens and supermodel Joanna Krupa
Former baseball player Jeff Kent and actress Ali Landry
Former NBA player Robert Horry and actress/model Estella Warren
Skier and former Superstars champ Bode Miller and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition designer Paige Hemmis
Tennis player Jennifer Capriati and actor David Charvet
Former WNBA star Lisa Leslie and actor Dan Cortese
Former soccer player Brandi Chastain and singer Julio Iglesias Jr.
Freestyle skier Kristi Leskinen and Dancing With the Stars pro Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Other on-air talent includes host John Saunders, and sideline reporters Warren Sapp and Jenn Brown.
The competition begins with the Run & Ride, an event in which the teams may run/bike 1.1 miles across the Paradise Island bridge. The contestants can decide how much each of them will run and/or ride, but both team members must cross the finish line to complete the race. The teams take various strategies, the worst being Jennifer and David’s, which was to lose their bike along the way. Unsurprisingly, they finish last in the event.
The standings after the Run & Ride look like this:
1. Brandi & Julio – 100 points
2. Kristi & Maks – 80
3. Lisa & Dan – 70
4. Bode & Paige – 60
5. Robert & Estella – 50
6. T.O. and Joanna – 40
7. Jeff & Ali – 30
8. Jennifer & David – 20
We move on to the Kayak Rapids Relay, which finds each team member going solo on the rapids for half the race. There will be two heats to determine the four participants in the Winners Race and the Losers Race. The first thing that becomes obvious it that people the size of Robert Horry and Lisa Leslie were not meant to kayak. Neither of their teams are headed to the Winners Race, as Bodie & Paige and Jeff & Ali win the first heat. They’ll be joined by Kristi & Maks and T.O. & Joanna, who finish first and second in Heat No. 2. The final two races offer few surprises, as the winners of the first two races take the top two spots.
The updated standing after two events are:
1. Kristi & Maks – 180 points total (100 in Kayak Rapids Relay)
2. Brandi & Julio – 150 (50)
3. Bode & Paige – 140 (80)
4. T.O. & Joanna – 110 (70)
T5. Jeff & Ali – 90 (60)
T5. Lisa & Dan – 90 (50)
7. Robert & Estella – 80 (30)
8. Jennifer & David – 60 (40)
The bottom three teams will head to the Obstacle Course, where the last place finisher will be sent home. But wait, the two middle teams in the standings — T.O. & Joanna and Jeff & Ali — will compete in a tandem kayak race to see which will join them on the chopping block. This make little sense for two reasons. First, T.O. and Joanna are 20 points ahead of Jeff and Ali. Why should they be included in the bottom four, when they’ve clearly secured a top four spot? Also, who determined that Jeff and Ali — who have the same point total as Lisa & Dan — are the fifth place team? Shouldn’t Lisa & Dan receive the same shot at immunity? Of course, Jeff and Ali win the kayak-off and are safe, and already this game makes no sense.
At the obstacle course, a few competitors seem to have some trouble with the cargo net — most notably T.O. and Lisa Leslie. Their teammates offer polar opposites in sportsmanship after their teams lose, with Dan Cortese consoling Lisa and Joanna playing the role of a complete shrew, blaming T.O. for their team’s failure. The two teams go head-to-head in one final loser-goes-home race through the obstacle course, and it’s Joanna who lets her team down, losing the lead that T.O. had handed her — yet she continues to blame T.O. for the loss. She then goes on to belittle his achievement of “making the NFL” and claims that he’s not a good enough athlete. We totally agree with T.O. when he says that he feels sorry for Joanna’s boyfriend.
To sum it up, we never thought we’d see the day when someone made Terrell Owens look like the good teammate. We confess, we didn’t really know who Joanna Krupa was before last night and this will likely be the only impression she ever leaves on us. But one thing is sure — we’re glad we don’t have to see her on our TV again next week.