Fashion Police Oscars 2013 recap

An everyday fashionista provides our Fashion Police Oscars 2013 recap

Well, there’s nothing like Hollywood’s top celebrities getting opinions about fashion from an 80-year-old standup comedienne, a host of a celebrity “news” show, the daughter of a rock star famous for biting the head off a bat, and a random stylist … so that’s why the editors of Channel Guide Magazine assigned an everyday gal like myself, who is obsessed with award-show fashion, to weigh in on what the average viewer liked and disliked about this year’s Oscar wardrobes and E!’s coverage of them.

First of all, let’s start with the hosts of Fashion Police. What was Kelly Osbourne wearing on her head? A do-rag? I think she was going for a ’40s Rosie the Riveter look, but her hair is purple! Purple!!! Come on. You’ll gain viewer credibility if we think you dress and look fashionable yourself. Joan looks … like Joan, and we love her for that and all her biting commentary. Giuliana is code orange — her skin is the same color as her dress. And George is just there.

There are two special guests for this year’s Fashion Police Oscar 2013 show. The first is Nina Garcia, a fashion critic and former fashion director for mags like Elle and Marie Claire, but she hates everything. The second guest is comedienne Sarah Silverman. She told a great story about a dress she wore to the Emmys a few years ago that she “co-designed.” It turned out so badly that the designers refused to let their names be associated with it. They also showed a picture of Anne Hathaway kissing Sarah’s hand at the Vanity Fair party. Sarah said: “Look, ladies love me.”

Joan Rivers had a slew of jokes as she always does. It was a 90-minute show, so her writing team must have worked overtime for this one! Here are some of Joan Rivers’ best one-liners:

“Sandra Bullock’s hair is “more one-sided than a Scientology marriage.”

“Sandra Bullock’s dress is busier than Kirstie Alley looking for Twinkies on eBay.”

“Meet Anne Hathaway and the Pointer Sisters … and just like her they are begging for attention.”

Referring to Helen Hunt: “The statues at Easter Island have smaller foreheads than she does.”

Joan wondered if that was George Clooney or the guy from the Dos Equis commercial.

Referring to Amanda Seyfried: “She’s smiling because this is the last time she has to pretend she likes Anne Hathaway.”

Referring to Renée Zellweger: “The boardwalk on the Jersey Shore is holding up better than her face.”

On to the best and worst of the night. The panel decided that Reese Witherspoon had the best hair of the night. I couldn’t agree more. It’s so pretty! Very Veronica Lake.

Best Dressed Nominees:

• Naomi Watts
• Jessica Chastain
• Jennifer Lawrence
• Nicole Kidman
• Halle Berry
• Octavia Spencer
• Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan
• Amy Adams
• Kerry Washington

Overall Best – Jennifer Lawrence

Worst Dressed Nominees:

• Kristen Stewart
• Naomie Harris (Bond girl)
• Anne Hathaway

Overall Worst – Anne Hathaway

There are themes that happen on every episode of Fashion Police. Giuliana loves to somehow find a way to make everything about herself, Joan tells some really dirty jokes, George has a fake laugh — it makes me wonder if he gets a bonus if he pretends to think that all of Joan’s jokes are funny — and Kelly constantly says everything is amazing and that she is obsessed with certain people and/or looks. I decided to keep a tally:
Giuliana Rancic talked about herself: 3
Off-color Joan Rivers jokes: 20
Fake George laughs: 9
Osborne saying “Amazing”: 4
Osborne “obsessed” with: 2

See you next time!