Has everyone refreshed their beverages and their munchies and their Advil and their special crying pillowcases and whatever else we might need to get through the next hour New Year’s Day Dance-Moms-a-palooza? Good. Let the Season 4 premiere begin.
After a quick highlight reel of all of the ridiculata that went down in Season 3, as promised in the preview, we open with the revelation that everyone is back for Season 4, including Payton and Leslie, despite the street brawl in New Orleans.
Thalia and Jennifer, from last hour’s special, are not.
Because we have not been beaten about the head with it enough, Abby reminds us that she is about revamp the team, so no one should get too comfy about the status quo for the new season. Christi says it’s weird to be back, but her plan is to stay out of the mama-and-Abby drama and keep herself and Chloe focused on dance. I give it 3.2 minutes. Tops.
Abby announces that Orlando, Atlanta and New York are the site of the new auditions, even though everyone has pretty much glazed over about the whole situation, and then we get to the pyramid.
Predictably, Chloe is bottom of the bottom. She apologizes to the team for missing Nationals (even though she was nowhere near Bourbon Street) and says she will work especially hard this season.
Payton is next. Same reason, but even though it was Leslie who made the New Orleans street fight physical — and protracted — Chloe’s stuck in the bottom spot.
Then comes Nia, even though Abby says she has worked diligently over the summer. Holly says Nia couldn’t possibly have worked any harder. Abby says she’ll come back to Nia.
Brooke rounds out the bottom row for missing class. Kelly says oh fer God’s sake, they were in New York for Fashion Week and she missed one lousy class because of it. Big whoop. It is to Abby.
It is to me, too. I mean the Fashion Week part. Since the mothers got into that crap, all the fun that was our weekly dose of Dance Moms Fashion Moments has fallen by the wayside just outside of Couture City. Well, mostly. Jill’s still able to delight me now and then.
Row 2 begins with Paige. Abby says she’s almost a teen, which was when she was supposed to become amazing, so she better get crackin’ on that. Mackenzie (who has a glam new headshot) takes the middle. Abby says the competition from Asia made her act like a baby, but it inspired her to work harder, too. Kendall rounds out Row 2.
Whoops. No, she doesn’t. With great bluster, Abby switches Nia’s and Kendall’s photos, announcing that even though Kendall took second at Nationals, she and Jill were disrespectful for going on vacation during booty camp. Jill says no offense to Holly and Nia, but Abby’s reasoning is a crock of crap. Same as it ever was, Jilly. Same as it ever was. But I’m still pleased to see the devoted Nia get her much deserved propers … and so is the devoted Nia.
This week we are trying something new and going to Sheer Talent in Wheeling, WV. Hmmm. Is Sheer Talent this season’s in10sity Dance? Looks like they’ve done a couple more since Wheeling.
In any case, Maddie and Nia get solos, and Holly and Melissa high five. Paige, Chloe and Kendall will do a trio, with Chloe and Paige “backing” Kendall. The whole group will do a routine called Girls Night Out. Oh boy. Let me guess. One dancer will throw a drink at another dancer and then throw some punches? BINGO! In Abby’s version, it’s Payton versus Chloe. This should be painful in about 90 different ways.
Then Abby says if this team isn’t amazing enough to support Maddie, she will go out and find people who are. Yes, Abby. We know. Everyone is replaceable. Nationwide auditions. Orlando. Atlanta. New York. What did the West Coast do to piss you off? They probably wanted an audition spot, too!
Up in the Mom Loft, the ladies discuss the ol’ Nia/Kendall switcheroo. Jill says it was intended to hurt her, but it really hurts Kendall instead. Holly agrees that it was cruel to switch the photos in front of the kids, but Jill didn’t need to say the things she did to put salt in the wound. Then she puts Jill on notice that this season, Dr. Holly isn’t going to take any crap.
Then Abby springs her wonderful Chloe-Payton fight idea on the dancers. “Don’t you think it would be funny?” she says to the girls who stare back at her like she’s lost her marbles. Here’s how funny Christi finds it.
Not funny. Leslie says she only feels bad for Payton.
So the girls can adopt the appropriate amount of fury to reasonably replicate their mothers, Abby affords them a demonstration.
I may see that in my sleep.
Also this.
What on Earth is this thing? People who know Pittsburgh — what is this orange-pants, disco-shirted, jump-roping man thing? And why did it deserve a post-commercial shot of its own?
Actually now that I’m over the shock, I kind of hope it becomes Pittsburgh’s version of the Welcome to Ohio, John R. Kasich Governor sign.
Maddie’s solo will be called Birthday, because Abby wants to celebrate her. Abby says Maddie is the only girl who can consider herself safe from being replaced. Then Gianna brings Maddie a cake. Jill wants to know where Kendall’s cake is. Maybe they delivered it to booty camp, Jill. It could happen. It probably didn’t. But it could.
Speaking of booty camp, Abby says Nia was a totes rock star there, which is how she earned her solo. It’s called Freedom in Paradise. Upstairs, Jill prattles on about Kendall deserving a solo more than Nia, and Holly simmers.
Next day, Brooke is late to practice. Kelly says it’s because she’s going to sing onstage with country star Jana Kramer, an opportunity that Abby had nothing to do with her scoring. Well, maybe. Because Abby just said country star Jana Kramer is her friend, which is indeed how Brooke got the gig. And for that, Brooke rewards her by skipping dance rehearsal. The nerve.
Kelly clarifies that country star Jana Kramer actually asked for all of the girls to do a dance to one of her numbers, but Abby had nothing to do with her also asking Brooke to sing. That happened all by itself.
Brooke finally arrives at class and, as punishment, Abby asks her and Payton to do the group dance choreography side by side. Brooke blanks on half of it, and Leslie starts Leslie-ing all up in Kelly’s grill. Leslie says that even though her daughter is clearly superior, Abby uses Payton as a pawn in her evil little dance game. Kelly thinks Leslie is just jealous of Brooke.
Down in the studio, Abby is grouchy because the girls want to leave rehearsal early to go see Brooke and Jana Kramer sing. Up in the loft, Jill is grouchy because Kendall’s trio is the only thing that isn’t good to go.
And we’re off to country star Jana Kramer’s concert. After meeting all of the girls, Jana gives Brooke some one-on-one time and tells her that if she wants to dance and sing, she can be amazing at both if she believes she can. After all, Jana does acting and singing and it works out just fine. Brooke thanks her for the encouragement, and Jana calls herself Brooke’s unofficial big sister.
Come concert time, Jana does a couple of tunes and then it’s Brooke’s turn to sing. She needs to work on her stage presence, but she gets her song out just fine and remembers all of the words, much to her mother’s relief.
Next day, everyone notices the change in both Nia and the way Abby works with her. I notice Abby’s poofy hair, cerulean caftan and match-matchy shoes.
The trio is called Buckle Up, and the mothers think that, while the dance is cute, the girls’ timing is totally off. Jill also worries that this particular trio lineup means Kendall has become part of the Abby Doesn’t Like Me club.
Arriving in Wheeling, the Pitt Crew gets what Abby calls a Bieber-esque welcome. She says that right there’s why the girls should want to work hard to stay part of the team. For the hollering. The positive kind, anyway. Done by people who like them.
The trio goes first. The dance is indeed cute as a button and the combination of the slender, leggy girls works really well.
Abby looks relieved. Jill says if they win, Abby will surely forgive Kendall for missing booty camp. I wouldn’t bet on it, muffin.
For whatever reason, Maddie gets bumped up to go next. It’s your basic, flawless, reachy-beseechy Maddie solo that I would truly love if we weren’t constantly asked to see her as the perpetual pampered pet. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Melissa gives Abby a teary thanks and says she’s lucky to have such talented children.
With that fresh in our minds, Nia goes next. Her hair and costume are beautiful and befitting her new maturity, and Holly fervently hopes all of her girl’s hard work over the summer will show in her performance. Nia bobbles a landing (which we accentuate with a dramatic drumbeat and a surly looking judge sadly shaking her head) and, with Maddie having danced just moments before, it is evident that Nia does not have the fluid grace of her teammate. But everyone hollers like mad for her anyway. Even Abby. Which is nice.
Abby says Nia started out stunning and in control, but focused too much on performance and forgot about her technique as the dance progressed. But maybe the judges won’t notice.
To buck up her dancers while they get ready for their group dance, Abby tells them a story about a little girl of about 12 who is short and petite with extraordinary legs and feet and wide-ranging versatility. It’s called “Who I’m Looking For During These Infernal Auditions I Won’t Shut Up About.” There’s a moral to the story, too, which is: “Not one of those things is Payton.”
Even though Abby said that last thing outright, Christi still thinks it means she’s going to replace Chloe.
Meanwhile, a frustrated Leslie appears to be trying to exorcise her demons by jabbing her daughter’s head piece right through Payton’s skull. Melissa volunteers to hurt Payton instead, so she doesn’t fight with her mother while it’s happening. Then the girls run their dance and Leslie runs her mouth until Abby freaks and tells her to shut up and be grateful that her kid is spotlighted in the middle of the group dance.
Then Abby begins to lecture the kids, telling them that she has four kids standing right out there in the hall whom she recruited throughout the day and would be thrilled to take their places. Huh. Wonder what their coaches think of that?
In any case, her derision gets to an already unhinged Payton, who walks away in tears. Abby calls her a baby.
Girls Night Out is lively and the costumes are cute, but Brooke blanks on some of the choreo. Christi flinches during the bitch-slap portion.
Abby calls the whole deal a hot mess. As in, the girls looked hot. The dance was a mess.
Come awards time, Jill gets down in her special Jill way and Abby just looks nervous.
The Abby Doesn’t Like Me Club gets first place for their trio. Abby says she is very happy about that. We’ll just see about that come next week’s pyramid, lady.
Holly hopes Nia at least lands somewhere in the Top 5 for her solo. Name after name is called, but not one of them is Nia’s. She looks crestfallen. Holly hopes Abby doesn’t give up on the girl because of it. I do, too.
You don’t need me to tell you that Maddie wins her division.
The hot mess gets third place. Abby does the ALDC math — two wins plus two not-wins equals a score of 50%, which is an F. Her team failed. No more vacations for anyone, ever. No time off. No, no, no, no and no.
Kelly says Brooke took advantage of a better opportunity and she’s not sorry one little bit; Abby says Brooke only had that opportunity because of her … which kinda equates with permission, if you ask me. So she shouldn’t be so upset about it. Then Abby augments the happy mood by informing everyone that not only are they all replaceable failures, but next week they will be replaceable failures dancing in the land of the Apples. We end on a collective groan.
Except from me. Cathy always lends some badly needed comic relief that makes these babies way more fun to write. So bring on those grazing cows and that Welcome to Ohio sign, say I.
But what say you, Dance Moms nation? Is it good to be back in Dance Moms business? Were you surprised to see Payton and Leslie are still a part of the team — or are you chalking it up to contracts? Are you tired of hearing incessantly about the auditions and seeing nothing to do with them? Are you expecting all new drama or the same $#!t in different settings? Fill me in on your fervent hopes for the next three months in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms air Tuesdays at 9/8CT on Lifetime.