First things first, Dance Moms nation. I would like to thank those of you who pointed out Kira’s newly-missing facial mole because now it is all I can think about whenever she is onscreen.
No mole no mole no mole. Also, Christi’s hair changes length every time she’s on screen. Long hair. Shoulder length hair. Long hair. Bob.
And since we’re sweating the minutiae, why are Kelly and the Hyland girls still in the intro for this show? I am sure they most of all would be happy to be removed from anything that has anything to do with Dance Moms.
Anyway …
We start out at the studio, where Abby congratulates the assembled masses on their eighth straight group-dance win. Then she reminds them that’s it’s still early in the season, so there’s still plenty of time for them to blow it.
Before Abby can go too Debbie Downer, Holly interrupts to announce that she has published her first book and everyone is invited to her book signing. This is where I learn that there is such a thing as drhollyfrazier.com, and on there, you can purchase Moments of Clarity. Also Dr. Holly is a hyphenate. Dr. Holly Hatcher-Frazier.
Also, I’m not too sure I would encourage what is left of the Dance Moms audience to experience any real Moments of Clarity. God knows what we might do.
In any case, Abby doesn’t want anyone forsaking dance practice for a book signing. And right now she would like Mrs. Thunder Stealer to embrace these words of wisdom: Silence is golden.
And if the admonishment doesn’t shut her up, this should help. Nia is bottom of the bottom on the pyramid. Her headpiece slipped during the group dance and her confidence followed suit.
Kendall’s next. She was good, but her mother was bad, going on and on and on about the whole group-dance, special part, apple-holding drivel. Jill responds by going on and on and on some more, just in case it might be beneficial this time. Abby lets her get it out of her system, then cheerfully admits her treatment of Kendall isn’t fair.
Well. As long as we’re all on the same page.
Good God, Maddie is next. Maddie is in the bottom row. Abby says you can’t be on top when you miss practice. Of course she missed practice because she was doing a dance job in L.A. But still. She missed practice. It’s a quagmire. Maddie looks unconcerned.
Row two starts with Chloe. She did good. And that’s that. Christi is shocked that there is no criticism to rub the sheen off the “good.” Next is Mack. Abby says she’s a triple threat. Which still doesn’t earn her the top spot.
That goes to Kalani.
No mole no mole no mole.
We’re apparently back to doing mostly In10sity Dance competitions; this week’s is in Detroit.To celebrate that fact, Abby has worked up a Musical Theater group routine called Riches to Rags, which is designed to remind the city that it’s the economic armpit of the nation. Classy.
Maddie will be doing a contemporary solo called Timeless.
Kendall will be doing a lyrical solo called … Battle Feet? Battled Feet? Battle Ship? I don’t know. Battling anything doesn’t sound too lyrical to me no matter how you go about it. But we’ll see.
Speaking of battles, Kira (who no longer has a mole) wants to know why Kalani doesn’t get to dance a solo opposite Maddie. Abby says because Kalani was brought here to dance with Maddie not against her. So have a moment of clarity and stop asking, lady.
Abby also says she looks forward to making a splash in Detroit with her group dance about how the host city is “kaput”. She says that even though the song is sassy, her dancers will be sad and dirty and hungry. In another Moment of Clarity that’s too late to make it into the book, Holly questions the wisdom of going to Detroit and bitch-slapping it hard with the group dance message.
Abby says Maddie’s solo is called Timeless because it is meant to honor her being Abby’s constant amid chaos.
Up in the Mom Loft, the mothers are having at it about whether or not Kalani should get to go up against Maddie. Christi says it’s a shame some kids are sacrificial lambs and some are protected — even though Kira wants her daughter to have a shot at it.
Time for Holly’s book signing. Handsome hubby Evan shows up to support the missus, and so do the Dance Moms. Photographs ensue — not all of them of Holly. Then Abby shows up with Nia in tow. She says she’s there to support Holly, which she does by calling Holly’s literary debut a “pamphlet” and suggesting it would be a fine fit for the gynecologist’s office. And that is all the thought I would care to give the equation of Abby + gynecologist office.
Holly says she’s just jealous. But not for long, Hol. Not for long.
Back at the studio, Melissa reveals that Maddie and Mack think the group dance is funny. Well, at least the beginning. Well, the music is … kind of. Oh, never mind. Holly looks disturbed. On this show, toots, having clarity is not always a plus.
Poor Kendall’s solo should actually be called Battled Neck, not Battled Feet, because she has to dance with pointe shoes around her neck to demonstrate her devotion to them. Jill says she thinks it’s too difficult for Kendall to dance lugging the shoes around like a feed bucket — and it sure seems to be. Abby and Gia get exasperated. Jill says they are ganging up on her. Kendall turns pink and begins to huff. Jill comes down to rescue her.
Jill and Abby enjoy a screaming match with Kendall in the middle, looking like she’s about to have a stroke. When she can get a word in edgewise, Kendall says she’s not doing the dance. Abby says if Jill keeps bailing Kendall out of trouble, she’s going to be bailing her out of jail soon enough.
Yes, Abby. Juvenile delinquency is surely caused by overprotective dance moms. I’m certain you could find at least zero or possibly no studies that prove it.
Kendall says she hates this. Me, too, Kendall. Me, too.
Time for a mom-free moment in the costume room. Kalani slaps a bow on her head and does an imitation of Abby. Kendall says she loves having Kalani there because it challenges her to dance better. Kendall says she may be gone because she’s not doing a solo and that makes Kira mad.
Up in the Mom Loft, the moms talk about how they missed Holly at the book signing and Holly says she texted Kelly to tell her so. In the studio, Gia begins gesturing for Melissa come down from on high. Abby wants her to videotape Maddie’s solo. Melissa says Maddie knows she has to do good in order to stay Abby’s favorite and that’s a lot of pressure for an 11-year-old. Try being an 11-year-old who knows you’ll never be Abby’s favorite, Melissa. Try that.
Speaking of which, Jill says Kendall is embarrassed that they’re up there watching her screw up. Christi says au contraire — they’re up here rooting for her.
Come competition day, the Pitt Crew enter the building, and Abby is immediately trailed by an overdressed woman that we quickly learn is Ava’s Mom. Abby says Ava’s Mom and Ava (Cota) came to the New York City auditions and like some other mothers, “They’re tracking me down.”
In the get-ready room, Jill upgrades Abby from the 3o0-pound beast of Kelly’s deposition to a 400-pound screaming woman yelling at her daughter, almost assuring that Kendall will not do well. They better do well, because Abby says the soloists are going to determine how the judges view the group dance.
First soloist we see is Ava, whose mother hovers over Abby’s shoulder like a large, animal-printed moth.
Hey guess what? Kendall’s solo ends with her lying on the stage! The rest of the dance was lovely, and as always, Kendall does a beautiful job with what she was given. What I would give for this child to have a coach that could work with her sensitive nature and natural grace and let this truly talented, beautiful girl live up to her potential. Same goes for Chloe. These two girls deserve a nice dance studio and a nice dance teacher who relishes the chance to guide these two nice young women to be their best.
Maddie does her dance flawlessly. In a shocking turn of events, it ends with her sitting up. Nonetheless, Kira says Kalani could beat Maddie any day. She thinks she might enter her as a soloist, even if Abby didn’t.
Abby comes charging down the hall and demands to know what’s going on. Kira says she just wants to know Kalani is a permanent part of the team. Abby says this sure as hell isn’t the way to go about it and if she keeps acting like Christi and Kelly, both Kira and Kalani are going to be out on their ears.
No mole no mole no mole.
Time for the group dance, for which the girls are dressed like grubby little ragamuffins. Kendall says they need to show Abby they’re not replaceable. Maddie looks bored about that.
Christi says she understands the gravity of a ninth win, and she “would hate to see that all go to hell because of some little hobo dance.”
Mercifully, the little hobo dance is is not about Detroit or the auto industry at all. It’s about girls who are never satisfied with what they have in terms of clothes and makeup and stuff in magazines. Whether that amendment was due to Holly’s concern about biting the town that hosts you, or if choreographing a dance for preteen girls about the Motor City’s economic woes is beyond Abby’s capacity, I do not know.
Christi says no one in the audience likely had a clue what the dance was about, but hopefully the judges like it.
Beck in the get-ready, Ava’s Mom — who is clearly so pleased for her big chance to be on camera — appears with Ava to announce to Pitt Crew that Ava did better than Kendall but not as good as Maddie. When the mothers look at her like she smells bad, she loses her confidence and starts to babble. Kira smells weakness and advances on her. Christi is happy to let Kira get the oh-no-you-d’int job done.
Abby isn’t too excited about the interloper either, and says that the ultimate dancer of the day will be decided at an Improv competition. 35 dancers in all.
Of the ALDC dancers, Nia is eliminated first. Then Mack. Then Kendall.
When the final three are announced, neither Maddie or Ava are among them. Chloe and Kalani are. Go Chloe! No. Marissa wins. Abby says Kalani blew her big chance.
I am never more sad not to have a screener to capture than when Jill does her thing at Awards time. No one does an awards-time thing like Jill.
Kendall’s solo gets ninth.
Ava gets third.
Maddie wins.
Riches to Rags makes it nine straight wins. Abby says she’s on Cloud … well, you know … but she thinks Jill owes her $500 for Kendall blowing the clean sweep.
Abby hugs Kalani but tells her she should have won the improv competition. She tells Chloe she did too much repeating of her movements to win it. Christi gives whatever face and Abby doesn’t like it. She gets in Christi’s face — skipping the incriminating teeth gnashing this time — but Christi doesn’t take the bait. They trade insults instead. Abby says Christi is like putting silk stockings on a mule. Christi says Abby is like putting lipstick on a pig. Abby says Christi doesn’t respect her mother. Christi says she doesn’t speak to her mother because her mother is just like Abby.
And the last word goes to Christi.
Next week, we get our first look at ringer Fallon and her mother Cheryl, and the Candy Apples are back.
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Should Lifetime give me my !@#$# screeners back now? Do you like Kira better with or without her mole? Christi with or without her extensions? Holly with or without her moments of clarity? Are you going to buy her book? Are you going to buy Abby’s book? What else is on your mind? Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms air Tuesdays at 9/8CT on Lifetime.