Sometimes I feel
I got to
BOMP BOMP!
Run away
I got to
BOMP BOMP!
Get away
From the pain you drive into the heart of me, Dance Moms.
Yes, Dance Moms nation, I know. My homework is late. I tried to get it done last night, honest I did, but a couple things happened. For one, after Abby said her tongue was tainted, I spent most of the rest of my night singing a retooled version of Tainted Love to myself (and wondering what reader John Linen will do with that bad boy). And also, am I the only one who found the non-dancing part of Seeing Red just deadly dull? Even after Christi staged a walkout and Holly got pointy.
This is what happens when we kids watch our mommies fight all the time. We get used to it. It just sounds like so much blah blah blah. And everyone on stage mostly looks like it’s an excuse to buy a new dress, get the ol’ hairs did and live through the hour.
• RELATED: Abby’s Studio Rescue premieres on Lifetime in June
• RELATED: Abby Lee Miller guest judges on Dancing with the Stars May 5
We start out with JC Executive Producer Superstar and Abby, who is a vision in shiny shades-of-eggplant amoeba print.
JC asks how she’s doing in the wake of Maryen Lorrain’s death. Abby says she is OK.
Turns out, Maryen has been laid to rest in a gorgeous Catholic cemetery in Miami. And she didn’t go alone. Abby put her dad’s ashes in there, too. And also stuffed Broadway Baby.
Well that’s one way to get out of that little severely misguided foray into pet taxidermy, now isn’t it? Since it’s the last time we’ll see her …
Abby also says it’s a little overwhelming to know that her whole family is in one casket. I have no argument. No argument at all.
Enough of this sentimental drivel. Let’s talk about The Fight. The one that got Kelly booted from the show, Abby’s hair pulled and, most importantly, my screeners taken away.
JC wants to know if Abby feels betrayed that 30 years of, well, pretty much hating each other’s guts amounted to hating each other’s guts in litigious fashion.
“Can I be curt? Yes,” Abby responds. “Sharp? Yes,” Tainted of tongue, sure thing. (BOMP! BOMP!) But tainted hands are another matter entirely. No touching allowed. Even if someone’s gnashing teeth are a half-inch from your nose.
Tainted tongue. Ohhhhh oh oh!
Next, JC asks Abby about her relationship with Christi. Abby does not want to talk about Christi, thank you very much. There is no relationship.
Well, let’s bring her out, just to make sure.
Christi, who clearly got the memo that this thing would be called Seeing Red, sweeps looking uber glam in a flowing crimson gown with a high slit.
JC asks her if she feels alone without her bestie on the set. Christi says she does not.
At the beginning she was upset, but without Kelly to pick on, Abby’s been targeting Holly and Jill more and since they’re getting a taste of what she was talking about, they’re banding together more than ever.
JC asks about the reaction of the Twitterverse to what went down and Abby says the most upsetting part was that the kids were still in the room when it happened. Christi reminds Abby that it was she who advanced on Kelly, and that’s what turned the thing physical.
Just to make sure, let’s go to the tape.
Yep. Abby advanced. Abby bared her toofies. Kelly slapped her head and yanked her hair. One big batch of reheated bummer.
Abby says it doesn’t make her sad or angry now. She’s just relieved it’s over and Kelly’s gone.
JC notes that the silver lining of the thing, if you can call it that, is that it seems to have made Christi more empowered to stand up to Abby. Just to make sure, let’s go to the tape. Yep. empowered.
JC asks if Abby and Christi can still work together for the sake of Chloe. Christi says Abby doesn’t care one bit about Chloe, so it’s a moot point. Abby says yuh huh, she cares. She changes all of Chloe’s dances to make them better.
Not as good as Maddie’s. But better than, say, Nia’s. So there.
JC asks flat out what Abby thinks of Chloe … not Chloe as a dancer. Abby says Chloe is a beautiful dancer, a beautiful girl. Polite. Nice. [Inside Abby’s head: And her mother sucks. And her mother sucks. And her mother sucks. And her mother sucks.]
Christi isn’t moved by the pleasantries. “Everyone in America sees how you treat that kid,” she howls. Everyone in the audience applauds.
Enough of that. Let’s watch the girls do the Kinky Boots Dance. Here’s reminder of what it looked like the first time.
Then we have an ad for True Tori. Show of hands — who’s watching that little train wreck? If you are, check out my colleague Kelly’s recap. Mama’s not touching that thing, no ma’am.
When we come back from commercial, Chloe performs Seeing Red. Here’s a reminder of what it looked like the first time.
Then it’s time to take Abby to task for bringing in new dancers, but not a one to challenge Maddie. Wouldn’t a little challenge be good for Maddie, he reasons? Abby says it just so happens that out of the bazillion dancers she saw that were worth bringing in, wasn’t a one in Maddie’s age group. Go figure.
JC says well what about Kalani, who’s already in the building? Abby counters that Kalani is 13 and Maddie is only 11 — which is probably why it took so long to bring her aboard, now that I think about it. She had to age out of Maddie’s age bracket and into Chloe’s. Handy how they can duet together, but they can’t compete their solos, hmmm?
Well anyway, Abby says, Chloe has missed class at least 13 times and that one teacher named James hasn’t even seen her once this season. Uh, Ab? Yes, he has. Two episodes ago. Watch your own show, pookie.
Christi says Abby is just jealous of a little girl’s popularity.
Abby decides to deflect to the clip where Christi says the f-word eleven times. Uh, Ab? Seventeen. Seventeen times. Then we talk about how unfortunate it is that Abby and Melissa are teaching Maddie to lie. Let’s bring out Melissa to talk it over.
Nooooo ho ho way, says Christi. If she’s dealing with these two, she’s doing it with Holly and Jill to back her up. And. Don’t. You. Forget. It. J. C.
Melissa makes the Many Expressions of Denial, Special Total Dismay Version.
Abby feels about it like so.
JC looks like he has the man cramps.
Ouchie.
Christi gets her way and returns to the studio with Holly and Jill in tow.
Melissa explains that Chloe asked Maddie if they were competing the Two Sapphires duet at the studio, not at the actual competition. So it’s different. It is not either different, says Jill. Maddie knew full well what Chloe meant.
Melissa would like confirmation that Jill is calling her kid a liar. Jill is.
Then Holly jumps into the fray and says Paige and Chloe could have won in just the same way Maddie and Kalani did, if they’d only been giving the chance. Abby says it’s her studio, she decides who dances and that’s final. The audience applauds weakly and Holly admonishes them to think about how they would feel if it were their kids in Chloe and Paige’s shoes. The clapping trickles to a halt. We’re sorry, Dr. Holly.
Abby says she wanted to secure the win and Maddie and Kalani were a sure thing. Christi reiterates Holly’s point that Paige and Chloe only came in second because Maddie and Kalani competed, so they would have secured the win on their own. Abby says one child who shall remain nameless — Paige — flakes when faced with too much to do and just wanders right off the stage.
Except that she didn’t, Abby. She did her dance beautifully.
Ad for Abby’s Studio Rescue. Show of hands — who’s tuning into that little train wreck? And noooooo, that does not include me. No and no.
Since we’re fighting about it, what say we have Maddie and Kalani do Two Sapphires.
Perhaps to break up their little anti-Abby girl gang, JC asks Jill about accusing Christi of changing the lineup back when Kendall was supposed to go last, but Chloe did. Jill rehashes the tale. Abby backs her up on what went down.
We see the clip of the argument, after which Christi says the kids go when they’re told and everyone knows it. Jill says it was still kinda premeditated. Christi retorts that Chloe didn’t say, “Can I go last?” She said, “Am I last?” It’s different.
Speaking of switcheroos, let’s call Abby out on pulling Nia from the Bollywood group dance. Abby says it was merely a costume issue. Holly says costume issues have been a problem all season long and Abby isn’t doing the whole of her job.
Jill adds that they never get recognition for all the work they put in on that end, and Abby claps in her general direction.
Christi gets the line of the episode — well after Tainted Tongue. BOMP BOMP! — when she says the night before a competition, they get handed a roll of toilet paper, a square of tissue and a sequin and are told to MacGyver up a costume that will make their kids look fab on television.
The audiences claps. Holly lets them.
Abby says Nia was the one who got pulled because she had a solo and Holly should be honored about that. Holly — who is just filled with piss and vinegar this evening — wants to know why Nia has to be either or. No other child is either or. Why is her child either or?
I’m genuinely thrilled to see her vent her grievances so emphatically.
Put an exclamation point on it, Hol.
That’s right.
Abby says Holly knows darn well that Nia’s solos don’t succeed like everyone else’s, so she was just giving her extra time to work on it. So, you know, stop pointing and be honored already.
Then Kenzie — JC actually pronounced it Kinsey and throws me off for a second— does Cry and it’s still not as good as when Maddie did it. Would it have been so tough to let the kid do a solo that was made for her and let her shine? Or let her sing about Girl Parties? Or something?
Let’s talk about Leslie. Abby says Leslie is cray cray. An Energizer battery that doesn’t quit. Somewhere out there, the Energizer Bunny high-fives itself for dodging the comparison.
Leslie says she tries hard not to disrespect Abby, but all she gets is disrespect from this team. And yet she falls for the siren song of their invitation every time, even though it amounts to nothing but heartache. No lyrical dances. No beautiful custom costumes. Nothing but heartache for Payton.
Let’s go to the clip.
Leslie says even though this injustice continues to happen, she’s going to consider it an investment in her child. Abby ignores her and fluffs up her hairdo.
Then Maddie performs Game of Love, having first informed JC that it’s her favorite tap routine ever. Here’s what it looked like the first time.
Next, it’s Cathy’s turn to join us — she must be a contract player, too — but before JC brings her out, he asks if Abby has any advice for breaking her rival’s season-long losing streak. Can’t happen, Abby sniffs. And that is because Cathy is not talented. Plus also, she’s not even a Candy Apple anymore. She’s a Prissy Prune. Pa-DOW! Let’s see the logo for that studio.
Let’s also bring out the Prissy Prune, who understandably goes and sits on the Holly/Christi side of JC.
How do you feel about Abby, Cathy, JC wants to know. Cathy feels one sentence about Abby: “Abby is a joke.” She wins, yes, but her choreography is elementary. Clean. But elementary. The synchronized swimming of dance, if you will.
Dance Moms Season 1 Flashback!
Then it’s time to take Cathy to task for pulling The Last Dance in the Fallon episode.
Cathy looks like she could care less about that and everything else that is going on here and she pretty much says so. Win or lose, it’s just fun to ruffle Abby’s feathers.
Since Cathy’s out here, what the hell. Let’s do The Witches of East Canton dance. We didn’t seem to save that one for posterity on the Lifetime site.
Did that bother you, Cathy, JC wants to know when the dance is done. Pretty much the opposite, Cathy says. It’s just evidence that Abby worries about her more than she worries about Abby. It is not, either, Abby says. Cathy’s just a dancer stealer. And besides, without her, Cathy wouldn’t get a paycheck.
We got a couple minutes left, so let’s spend them with Kira, who comes out and sits by Holly. She tells JC that despite her bumps in the road this season, everything is mostly just ducky.
Well, what’s her take on the duet that turned into the lawsuit, JC wants to know. Kira says the conflict had more to do with past history than her kid and Maddie dancing. Christi says it was Abby’s intention all along to replace Kelly’s kids with Kalani, so yes, it does have something to do with them.
Let’s build on that and revisit the new team for the waning seconds. Christi points out that 13 first places in a 15-dance season wasn’t good enough for Abby. Leslie wants to know why Abby didn’t assemble a team of dancers Payton’s age, since the original team is winning. Abby tells JC that she will sometimes compete the new and old teams against each other. Sometimes the new instead of the old. Depends. We’ll just have to see.
Then she adds that when Kelly walked out and Kalani walked in, every kid on the team got better. Christi says it’s because they were terrified for their place on the team. Whatever it takes, Christi.
Jeff warns us that we haven’t seen the last of Dance Moms … and then we’re treated to 30 seconds of genuinely funny outtakes and I feel desperately cheated.
Next time, let’s do 40 minutes of funny clips, 10 minutes of the girls dancing and 30 seconds of the grownups rehashing ofd bitches, ‘kay, JC? That’s the show we want to see. Who’s with me?
Aaaaaand cut.
Next week on Dance Moms — at long last, it’s a Girl Party!
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Same @#$%, different outfits. Worth the price of admission just to see the girls dance? Was Christi right to declare a fair fight? Was this a really cool version of Holly — or was she merely sinking to Abby’s level (and rising to her volume)?ANd how excited are you for next week’s all girls, no moms festivities? Sounds off in the comments section below.
The Dance Moms “Girl Talk” special premieres Tuesday, April 29 at 9/8CT.
Video: Lifetime