This will be quick, Dance Moms nation, because for all intents and purposes, Dance Moms: The Battle of Maddie vs Chloe was just hour devoted to reminding us that Christi and Kelly Are Bad and Abby Is Good. With Maddie and Chloe stuck smack in the middle.
JC — in front of a questionably inappropriate wine-bottle-motif backdrop — says we’re going all the way back to Season 1 to see the advent of this historic rivalry [between little girls who have no interest in being historic rivals] and to plumb the reasons that it’s become so “epic.” If one defines epic as “created, and carefully, toxically nurtured for the sake of Dance Moms.”
If there is a silver lining to this recycled yawner, it’s getting to harken back to the days when the kids were super-teeny, Abby wore hairbands and grocery store makeup, and the mothers were all pre-extensions and Pittsburgh’s version of haute couture.
We start out by reminding everyone that Kelly and Christi used to go drinking at competitions and one time that made Chloe’s hairband fall over her eyes during the Esther Williams trio with Maddie and Paige. If this theory were correct, Paige’s hairband woulda been a goner, too, but whatever. That was before we were mad at Paige.
Here’s Chloe doing Baby Mine versus Maddie doing the infamous — and now recycled — Cry.
Maddie wins!
Here’s Christi and and a very young Chloe getting weepy over Abby’s abuse.
Here’s JC reminding us that one of Abby’s greatest talents is amping up the competition between her dancers. For example, the time when Abby moved an 8-year-old Maddie and her Beautiful solo into the same division as 9-year-old Chloe and Pardon Moi.
Maddie wins!
Then we revisit that time in New Jersey — I think it was Jersey. Jersey, right? — when sneaky sneaky Abby entered two Maddie solos in one competition and Christi took very exuberant exception.
Maddie wins! Twice! Look at that armload of trophies!
But, you know, not everything is Christi’s fault. Some of the enormous pressure on Maddie is due to her own mother’s slavish need to please Abby. See? Here she is yelling at Maddie on multiple occasions and making Maddie cry.
JC says that yelling is not the only thing that Melissa and Christi have in common. They are also harboring unfulfilled dreams of being a dancer themselves. Let’s go back to Christi reminiscing to Chloe about dancing with her sister on the front yard of her childhood home. Let’s talk about Maddie’s late grandma, who is watching her from heaven.
Maddie wins!
Sorry. Habit.
Then we have some awkwardly edited stuff about the time when Abby gave Maddie a week off from performing solos just so Chloe would have to put up or shut up in the win department. But we don’t actually get to recollect if she actually won or not. We just see Christi and Abby yell some more and Chloe cry some more and then JC reminds us that Abby isn’t entirely about blowing up Chloe’s dreams and bruising her self-confidence. After all, remember that one time they had a pep talk down by the river and Abby told the girl she could be anything she wanted to be … as long as she promised to never, ever listen to her mother?
That was great, wasn’t it? Good. Now let’s watch Chloe screw up Another Season, under the guise of demonstrating how she can’t keep it together on stage the way Maddie can. And then feel bad about that and make up for it by watchng her do well on Dream on a Star.
Then JC reminds us that the competition between the girls went beyond dance all the way to the chance to be in a Broadway revival of Annie and the infamous battle to be in the Lux video. Each girl gets a win.
We see the girls dance their lovely Black Swan duet and JC says that when all is said and done — and despite the adults’ best efforts to arse it up — the girls have still still managed to maintain their friendship.
Er, as much as possible.
