The Bachelor: Episode 4 recap: Bachelor virgins are revealed

“Full moon, full craziness,” serves as the most accurate statement ever made about Episode 4 of The Bachelor, which could have been easily titled “The Bachelor Virgins Episode.” Things got pretty wild this week with Prince Farming (Chris Soules) and his group of potential wives.

The first date card calls for the girls to “do what feels natural,” and six lucky ladies are called to meet Chris on his outdoorsy date. The girls meet Chris at a lake, or as Kelsey, the whiner, calls it, “a mucky pond,” where some of the daring few opt to jump around topless. So much class, so little time (as if). Kelsey, who I liked before, literally transforms into The Bachelor’s own female Calliou and whines about everything and anything. A bee proceeds to sting her in the crotch. Karma’s a bitch.

Meanwhile, Chris’ three sisters visit the house to choose one lucky lady to go on a glamorous date. Britt, one of my faves, comes off super cocky and basically expects the date to be handed to her. Another one of my faves, Jade, comes off so cute and lovable. She instantly wins over the sisters with her Midwest charm (Midwestern girls do it better), and she ultimately wins the prestigious one-on-one date.

Back on the group date, or the date Kelsey described as “a date for bimbos,” the girls work to pitch a tent and brave the wilderness.

Ashley I. (pictured left), who was somewhat bearable for the beginning of the date, becomes super annoying and makes a huge deal out of being a virgin every chance she can get. She even relates her virginity to camping and calls herself “a camping virgin and a virgin camping.” The whole thing is embarrassing and overdone … I guess that’s just Ashley I.

Kaitlyn and Chris continue to bond and have a serious conversation. Chris states the obvious and admits that he is a “touchy feely guy.” Wow, I never would have guessed it. Kaitlyn, who “continues to impress” Chris receives the rose.

The real highlight from the wild date was, of course, from crazy Ashley S. Oh, Ashley S., you poor girl. The Bachelor and heavy drug use never seems to go well; Ashley S. is living proof of that. She tells Chris that she loves him, kisses him and then the two try to make it down a steep hill. In other words, it was a big fat mess.

As the girls die down and retire to their cabins for the night, Ashley I. turns bedtime into lets-discuss-the-fact-that-I’m-a-virgin-time and crawls into Chris’ tent. She really tries to emphasize the fact that she is extremely “inexperienced” in the hopes that Chris will pick up on that fact that she is a virgin, but he doesn’t, and she leaves the date feeling like he “totally gets [her];” however, Chris leaves the date feeling like he “has no idea what she is saying.”

On date number two, Jade transforms into a real-life Cinderella. A team of stylists come to the house to beautify the princess of the night while the others girls watch with envy. Jade looks absolutely radiant, covered in diamonds and perfected from head-to-toe.

Jade meets Chris at the ball and they have the most perfect evening imaginable. Chris tells his lovely lady that the “princess thing works well for [her],” and his true Prince Farming breaks through his playboy façade.

By the end of their date, Chris sees Jade’s true potential and promises America that he will not “overlook Jade anymore.”

Date number three entails activities that are more Chris-like. The girls partake in a mud race in wedding dresses. Jillian, the body-builder, wins the race without competition and according to Carly, “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo, not a dress.”

Jillian wins the chance to stay in San Francisco with Chris for a romantic evening. The date was awful — so incredibly awful. Jillian talks about every topic, ranging from her lack of friends to her success in female body building competitions and dominates the conversation. Chris can not keep up mentally, and he “[begins] to think of unicorns and dancing fairies” while Jillian is talking. Jillian is blindsided by the fact that she was sent home, and she cries tears of embarrassment.

With the cocktail party under way, Ashley I. decides it is a good time to talk about being a virgin — yet again — only to find out that Becca is also a virgin. Everyone is shocked and Megan says that being a virgin is “abnormal” in today’s society, freaking out Ashley I. even more. Ashley I. begins to cry and no ones cares – typical.

Britt decides that confronting Chris about his scandalous date behavior is a good idea and it totally blows up in her face. Chris gets mad and decides to start the rose ceremony early.

In the end, Crazy Ashley S., Samantha and Juelia are sent home. Juelia and Chris share a sincere goodbye, Ashley S. made some strange noises and no one knew Samantha so she just left.

For more recaps on The Bachelor:
The Bachelor, Episode 1 recap
The Bachelor, Episode 2 recap
The Bachelor, Episode 3 recap