Welcome back, Dance Moms Nation. Whose NCAA bracket is still worth the paper it’s printed on? Who picked the Badgers to take it all? You are my special favorites.
Speaking of competitions … this week we start at the front desk where Abby is all a’twinkle over Maddie’s new Sia video, Elastic Heart, which — if you’re the one person on earth who hasn’t seen it yet — features Maddie in Chandelier gear having one serious nightmare of a (bird)cage match with a brief-wearing Shia LaBeouf. Since we’re going to get all worked about it multiple times throughout the episode, here. Refresh your memory.
It’s kinda icky, but Abby says that’s what makes it art.
Jill wants to know if Maddie likes this video better than the first one, and she says it’s just different.
Jess wants to know why she was dirty. Because she was playing a wolf who was living in that cage for a year. (Yeah, but where’d the dirt come from?)
Jill wants to know is Shia is an animal, too? No, he’s a person. (Insert your own joke here.)
Jill doesn’t get it, but that’s how it goes with high art.
The Inquisition of Maddie ends when we get distracted by something on Kira’s phone — a “social media post” that says Candy Apples Cathy will be competing a whole new team against the ALDC this week.
Who’s freakin’ out?!
This one right here is!
Kira says that everyone on the scab team — we’ll call them the Canned Apples — has been to multiple Abby Lee auditions and two of them, Tessa Wilkinson and Haley Huelsman, are from Abby’s Ultimate, just like Kalani. And Jo Jo. And Asia. And Hadley. And whomever else I’m forgetting who has been trotted through here for a few moments …or many.
Abby is going to be so mad, says Melissa. So she’s barely through the studio door when she tells her all about it.
Yep. She’s mad.
Abby says Tessa has become a fine little dancer since leaving AUDC — and besides, her mother is fun. A friend, even. (Which, in Abby’s mind, is kinda one and the same). Bad mom, bad dancer. Good mom, good dancer. The world according to Abby.
Speaking of Bad Mom, apparently Haley’s mom, Melanie, showed up at one of Abby’s book signings and SIGNED ONE OF ABBY’S BOOKS! Excuse me while I nurse a little giggle fit. I remember Melanie being a real piece of work, but that is tacky, even for her. Abby says she’s just out for revenge.
Pyramid time. It’s all kinds of wonked up this time.
Kendall and Nia make up the base for not placing with their solos.
Midsection is Kalani, Mackenzie and Jo Jo. They were all great in the failing group dance, but Abby only likes winners. Like Maddie. Who is tops.
This week we are headed to Energy National Dance Competition. “To go against the Candy Apples!” chortles Melissa, who just cannot get over it.
No solos this week, because there just ain’t no other Maddie in the bunch. Instead, we will be honoring the wonder that is Elastic Heart with three duets.
Yaaaaaaay!
Yaaaaaaaaay!
Maddie and Kalani will pair up on Walking Through the Storm. Kinda like Dancing In The Rain, only just two dancers. And walking.
Jo Jo and Kendall will partner on a dance based on Freaky Friday, which Jo Jo has clearly never heard of in her whole entire life. Kendall says she’s going to have to work extra hard because she’s the total opposite of Jo Jo — no sequins, no rhinestones, no Nebraska.
LOL.
That leaves Mack and Nia to perform The Little Girl Who Lived Down the Lane. Holly loves it.
Or not.
Group routine is a killer, too. But the hows and whys are overshadowed by the news that in two weeks, we are headed back to L.A. Squeeeeee! Now run along, mothers.
What in the what is this thing?
According to my wildly unsuccessful Google image search, it is some combination of horse jumpers, skydivers … and these guys.
Someone help me out — what is this thing I shall christen Unihorsquito and where can I find it? Because I must find it. It is my spirit animal.
After a quick montage of my beloved Ohio sign and other arty Ohio landmark shots (Ohio must have pushed back against the perpetual cows, pigs and yard trash that represented it previously), we head for the Candy Apples.
Cathy — sporting some funky new highlights — welcomes the newbies and reminds them that she didn’t not like the team that just got ousted. They just needed to take a break. It’s not you, other team. It’s me. I promise. Do not cry. Even though I just called you losers.
These guys are winners.
And apparently it’s up to this guy to make sure they are.
He is Chehon (say KEE-yon), the real-deal Season 9 winner of So You Think You Can Dance. If you’re wondering why he’s doing the Cher thing with his name, I’m guessing it has to do with having the surname Wespi-Tschopp, which is hard to say and even worse to spell.
Not wasting a minute where making an impression is concerned, Melanie (whose neighbors, I sincerely hope, are not missing a few fluffy white cats) reminds her new coach that she and Haley are out to make her proud. Well, and also get Abby. Same difference.
Cathy says the mothers must shun Abby or they and their Louis Vuittons will be dismissed.
Back in Pittsburgh, there has been …
… and it’s a mystery. Along with the equal mystery of why Abby insists on perpetually foisting the past on these young girls. The dance is based on the board game Clue. Oh boy. Who is stuck being Colonel Mustard? Or Professor Plum. The corpse will be the one who does the dance the worst, says Abby, looking at poor Mack.
Up in the Mom Loft, we’re trying to decide if the dance is lyrical or not. Kira says the Apples will certainly be doing a lyrical dance, but they need to find out who is choreographing it. The moms pressure Jess into calling Renee to do a little spy-teching.
Ring ring!
Jessalyn calling!
Alrighty!
When we come back from commercial break, a reporter from the Nashville Star is at the studio to interview Maddie about the Elastic Heart video. Oh suuuuuuuuuure, that dude gets invited to the studio and here I sit, growing mold in Beertown. WHATever.
The Candy Apples will indeed be doing a lyrical dance and Cathy is feeling good about the idea that she’s amassed a crop of winners. Her lecture is interrupted by a phone call.
IT’S TMZ! ERRRR MEEERRRR GERRRRRRHD, it’s TMZ! Why are you calling, TMZ?
How does Cathy feel about it? Well, since you asked, she almost threw up. Also, shame on the parents. Not an art form. About time Maddie “falls off the boogie board.”
Er, Ohioans, I know I’m leaning on you hard tonight, but in addition to telling me what the Unihorsquito actually is, could you also tell me what “falls off the boogie board” means in this context … and if it’s an Ohio thing or just a Nesbitt-Stein thing?
Buh-bye, now.
Back at the ALDC, Mack and Nia are practicing their Little Girl duet, which Abby says was inspired by their work on last year’s Amber Alert group dance.
Speaking of life-threatening situations, check out what Holly’s up to, on the sacred grounds of ALDC.
… says Aubrey O’Day Recording Artist. Holly tells her that they will be back in L.A. shortly and Nia has been wanting to do a music video. Here she is to tell you herself. (Quick quiz: What’s more dangerous than talking to Aubrey on Abby’s turf? Answer: Pulling Nia out of Abby’s dance class to talk to Aubrey on Abby’s turf!)
Melissa is appalled. Never mind that Maddie just got done doing an in-studio interview. It wasn’t during class. Never mind that class got rescheduled to accommodate the interview. Just …never mind.
When Holly returns to the Mom Loft, Jessalyn tattles on Melissa, who has instant amnesia about what she just said and drops an F-bomb to punctuate.
Abby says Kalani and Maddie are her best dancers, therefore everyone wants to see them fail. Meanwhile, Melissa’s problems are only getting worse. She gets wind of Cathy’s chat with TMZ and, since she mentioned it, Jill adds that Sia did apologize for the video, so there’s that. Surely Melissa knows. No?
Melissa doesn’t know. Also Melissa doesn’t read the negative $#1+. The other mothers say well she better before Maddie finds out about it from other, less over-protective people.
In comes a basket of Clue-appropriate props, but rehearsal is interrupted by a camera crew from Entertainment Tonight. Whoops. Jill says they can’t compete with Maddie’s fame.
Time to head for Highland, MI.
Since they are the first to arrive, Cathy and the Canned Apples decide to scope out the ALDC get-ready before heading to their own. Wait! Let’s do a funny and hide behind the curtain until the Pitt Crew shows up! So so funny! And hey — there’s food! To eat or to spit, that is the question. In the meantime…
Cathy’s prank backfires a bit when Jill discovers them and Abby pulls Fun Renee into a cozy hug. Uh uh uh, says Cathy. What did she say about shunning Abby? Little tough to do when you’ve invaded their room, Cath, but it’s your world. Nope. It’s Abby’s. The latter says the every one of the Canned Apples would come running to the ALDC if she beckoned them.
“Do you guys want to touch Jo Jo’s jacket?” hollers Jessalyn. “It’s probably the closest you’ll get to an Abby Lee jacket.” Abby beams like a proud mother. Melanie freaks.
In the CADC get-ready, Cathy — who’s having a little trouble sticking to her own rules today — takes Fun Renee to task for her niceties with Abby, and when Abby shows up to defend her, Cathy orders her out of their dressing room. Can Abby not read? C-A-D-C, not A-L-D-C.
Remembering her role in today’s episode, Fun Renee looks enormously uncomfortable and delivers her big line:
Not very fun at all, huh, Fun Renee?
Abby could care less either way.
Back in the ALDC get-ready the mothers remind their charges to act, act, act. Good prep for L.A. Melissa asks Kalani and Maddie if they are emotionally attached and they nod unemotionally. Let’s do this.
Kendall and Jo Jo go first with Play to Win. Timing’s a little off, but it’s cute and sassy. Jo Jo wins the hair thingie. Jill is feeling meh about the whole deal.
Mack and Nia, in shades of purple, are next. As per the usual, Holly looks like she’s about to witness a bullfight. The girls dance remarkably well together and the dance is surprisingly sophisticated. Holly says the girls could possibly win.
Melanie says this:
Game on.
Melissa says Melanie is embarrassing herself in front of a lot of people. Melanie says Melissa should be embarrassed about letting her daughter act all freaky with Shia. The brawl grows loud enough for Kalani and Maddie to hear it backstage. Kira asks the audience to cheer if they’re on Maddie’s side.
Maddie and Kalani’s duet is pretty but they don’t seem terribly connected on stage. Ten bucks says it’s a winner, though.
In the ALDC get-ready, Abby is livid about Melanie’s diss. She howls that you never, not ever, say something negative in the audience, because you don’t know who is sitting around you. Pots and kettles, I say, but whatever.
Then she turns it up to eleven and screeches that Melanie would sell her kid to any Tom, Dick or Harry on the street corner if it would land her some face time on TV. Oof! Probably not the best choice of words, there, Abs. Especially given your run of legal woes. Especially when a camera is capturing it all.
Dance Moms Fashion Moment! ’70s PARTY! That necklace would lay me flat out!
Time for the group dances. ALDC first.
If you’re keeping track, the only thing that differentiates one character from the other is the color of their headpieces. Going by that, I would say that Maddie is Colonel Mustard, Kalani is Miss Scarlet, Mack is Mrs. White, Nia is Mr. Green, Kendall is Mrs. Peacock and Jo Jo is Professor Plum. Mrs. White turns into Mr. Boddy. Not sure via whom or with what, but anyway. Wheeeeee!
Mrs. Acken likes it … more than I thought I would. But it’s Professor Holly with the doubt in the audience that’s the killer.
The Canned Apples costumes remind me of something ALDC, but I can’t put my finger on what. The dance starts out a little bit The Last Text…
…then morphs into a lot of rolling around on the ground …
…then lifts a little from Amber Alert …
…and in between is a lot like every lyrical deal Abby has ever choreographed.
Not a chance in Che-hell this thing is going to win. And even less chance that it was ever intended to. Poor Chehon. Poor girls.
Feeling weirdly charitable, Abby says she liked the choreography and thought the dance was interesting (of course you did — it was a steaming casserole of your own stuff) and that she’ll never forgive herself if her dance loses. Wait, what? Forgive yourself? I thought everything was Nia’s fault. <Rewind, rewind, rewind>. Yep. She said, “Forgive myself.” <Rewind, rewind, rewind>. Yep. She did.
Awards time.
Jo Jo and Kendall get third.
Nia and Mack get second.
And it’s a clean sweep for the ALDC in the duet department.
The Canned Apples group dance gets third.
Get a Clue gets a win.
Let’s fight. Nope. Let’s do this instead.
Wha’? We went head-to-head with the Apples and no one is throwing down in the hallway? We’re crying? You’re losing your edge, ladies. But thank you for that. Sincerely.
With her mothers promising they’ll try even harder next time, Cathy dries her sniffles and says they’ll regroup and come back to deal the ALDC an L-O-S-S before they leave for L.A.
Next week on Dance Moms, Abby really, really, really wants to zigazig ah!
So what say you, Dance Moms Nation? Is Melanie some welcome comic relief or a giant pain in the ass? Who else feels sorry for Renee? Who feels worse for their girls? Anything left to say about Elastic Heart or are we over it? Or did we never hate it in the first place? And WHAT IS THE UNIHORSQUITO??? Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesday nights at 9/8CT on Lifetime.