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Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People recap: The Wild Year

Ryan Berenz

Alaskan Bush People Billy Gnome

Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People “The Wild Year” special episode (Aug. 7), the Browns reflect on the events of Season 2, answer viewer questions and talk about some previously unseen footage from the series.

Alaskan Bush People Season 1 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | The Wild Life

Season 2 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8  | Wild Times | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | SHARK WEEK! | Episode 15 | Episode 16 | Lost Footage | The Wild Year

We get this “The Wild Year” clip show for the final “new” episode of Season 2. All I can say is THANK THE GOOD LORD, DADGUMIT!

We have all suffered through so much together this year. In fact, Discovery says 50 million of us have been subjected to ABP  (they must’ve counted Sherry twice). There is no need to throw sand in our already weary eyes or further afflict our addled brains, so I’ll make short work of the old repeated stuff.

Remember when the Browns were building that cabin in the Copper River Valley way back in Season 1? Man, that was awesome.

And then tragedy struck. “Confrontations with the locals made them fear for their safety.” “I have seven kids. I want to leave with seven,” says Billy. “This land is not worth dying for.” So they got a boat and headed back to Southeast Alaska.

And then tragedy struck. Their boat, the Opal, sank at the dock in Ketchikan.

And then tragedy struck. The Browns were forced to work for money. Matt contributed by making and selling rings and trinkets made out of utensils. (So if Misty Bay Lodge is all out of forks, you can blame Matt.) Eventually, they earned enough to get out of Wretchikan. Billy purchased two boats, the Lorcan and the Osprey, and Used Boat Guy threw in a free skiff. Used Boat Guy has to be kicking himself, because that skiff grew up to be The Skiff, the finest vessel ever to displace water and the only boat worth a damn in the Browns’ fleet.

And then tragedy struck. Viewers had to watch the Browns build yet another cabin, this time on Chicago Bears Island. Matt put on a little sideshow act of building his own hut. Well, was not so much a hut as was a hole in the ground under a tree trunk.

And then tragedy struck. A spider chased Matt out of his hole in the ground. Then Matt decided to build a home out of plastic wrap.

And then tragedy struck. The plastic wrap house failed at the first rainstorm. Matt insists that his plastic-wrap house was still his best creation. He eventually builds a house out of tires salvaged from a junkyard.

And then tragedy struck. Gabe and Matt got swept out with the tide at night during the whole crab-pot debacle, and search and rescue was called to stop them from floating out to Russia. This scene was so brief in the “Welcome to Browntown” episode that it just seemed tacked on for unnecessary drama. Well, it smells even more like B.S. in this episode’s “lost footage” of the event. All we get to see are very dark, obscure shots of the film crew looking distressed. When we actually do see a search-and-rescue boat, it has fishing rods on the stern and no visible markings of an emergency vessel. The only evidence there is of a S&R team is that someone is wearing something with reflective “POLICE” lettering on it. If any Alaska friends can explain how this could not be fakery, the comments section is all yours.

And then tragedy struck. Ami, desperate for grandbabies and lacking in sense, calls in Susie the Matchmaker to set the boys up with some fertile wombs. “We live together as a clan and we’re hoping to build Browntown as a clan,” Billy says. “And we know it sooner better than later they got to start finding wives.”

And then tragedy struck. Bear is paired up with a nice girl who is not EXTREME enough for him. Gabe has an awkward phone conversation with a girl we never get to see. In a scene that was cut, we find Gabe interrupting his father hard at work (!) chainsawing stuff to give the urgent news about his love life. “She was really nice,” Gabe says. “I know she put a lot of time and effort into it, but these girls are looking for, like, a serious relationship. I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. I want to be sure what I’m getting into, basically.” I know that Ramona is very sad she won’t be having any Brown grandbabies.

And then tragedy struck. In a previously unaired scene, Noah decided to do some Tai Chi at the playground in an effort to impress his date Christi. “I’d say that Tai Chi was a good move,” Noah says. “It showed physical prowess. It’s always good to try to do something like that to break the boundaries and the borders.” If you look closely above the garage of Christi’s grandparents’ house, you’ll see an Oakland Raiders logo. I think you’re better off, Noah. You don’t want to get involved with Oakland Raiders fans.

Now, on to some really important, probing, not-at-all-vetted questions from viewers:

Viewers really want to know if the Browns will be cutting their hair anytime soon. “My hair is AWESOME,” Bear says. “Why would I cut it?”

Viewers really want to know if the Browns know that they’re FAMOUS! “They tell us we’re famous,” Ami says. “I feel a little bit like one of the wildlife animals, like people can walk up and take pictures with,” Gabe says. “It’s like a picture with a bear or an eagle or something.” You know you’re FAMOUS when a tourist who just stepped out of People of Wal-Mart wants to take a picture with you. “I was unaware I was famous,” deadpans the arrogant ass Noah. “I haven’t cured cancer — that’s the kind of fame I was looking for.” Eh. Might have to adjust your goals, Noah. Maybe stick to turning soda bottles into arm bands for portable cassette players.

Viewers really want to know about the boys’ tattoos. A few of the boys have crosses tattooed on them, because as the Bible says, “Verily I say unto thee, gettest thou ink done and thou shalt be spared of the burdens of wisdom and truth.” Matt had other ideas. “I always wanted to get a tattoo that said ‘Made in Alaska,’ like an action figure that says made in the USA or made in Japan,” Matt says. “So now I have ‘Made in Alaska’ tattooed on my butt. I know. I know.” No, you don’t.

Viewers really want to know why the adult kids don’t move off on their own. “I never get that question from Alaskans,” Matt says. “Up here in Alaska we realize that a large family means teamwork and survival.” And basic cable TV shows!

Viewers really want to know what new inventions Noah is working on next. “I’m working on a power station design, so I can supply the entire Browntown from one spot,” Noah “Tesla of the Bush” Brown says of his “Power Vine” idea. He’s got compact flourescent bulbs strung up on fallen tree branches as light posts. I hope his power station is just Bear riding on a stationary bicycle from dusk till dawn.

Viewers want to know just how ignorant the Browns are about popular culture. “I have no idea who won any Super Bowls,” Bear says. What is One Direction? “Straight forward,” Gabe says. “The Lord’s path.”

Viewers really want to know how the chickens are doing. The chickens are great! You see, chickens lay eggs, and eggs can be prepared in a variety of ways and then eaten for food which is then digested. “I’m extremely glad the guys thought up a coop to keep them in,” Billy says. “We’re going to keep an eye on them so the bears don’t come in and take their fill.” I think Matt should be forced to pull overnight chicken-guard duty.

Viewers really want to know if Birdy will marry them. “I don’t marry people I don’t know,” Birdy says. “My name is Snow and I am looking for my Prince Charming.”

Viewers really want to know how the new shipping business with the Integrity is going. “Well, the transport business is … it’s going,” Billy says. The Browns have gotten a few odd jobs by going door-to-door in Hoonah and soliciting dudes in ugly sweaters holding their cats. I imagine the exchange went something like this:

Matt: “Hey hey, sir! We’re the Brown family! Maybe you’ve seen us on the TV. We’re FAMOUS! Anyway, we’re wondering if you have anything you need hauled by boat, like any empty fuel drums or goats. We’re FAMOUS and on TV, but we’re desperately poor and really need you to give us some pity work because we need to pay for Mom’s teeth, and Dad’s Coma Fund is getting low. We’re trying to start this unlicensed, uninsured marine shipping business with an outdated, underequipped and barely seaworthy boat and a barely competent crew of man-children.
Ugly Sweater Cat Guy: “Get the [expletive] out.” [Starts to close door]
Matt: “No! No! Wait! OK, you don’t have anything you need shipped. That’s OK. Let me ask you another question: Do you by chance have any daughters of childbearing age? You see, we’ve got this crazy mom and — ”
Ugly Sweater Cat Guy: [Slams door]

Viewers really want to know what the Browns will be up to next. “The big push right now, though, is a garden,” Billy says. “That’s probably going to be 90 percent of our summer.” Wow. Can’t wait to watch 16 hours of gardening in Season 3. At least the Browns will have no shortage of fertilizer. HEY-YO! Bear goes around like a human weed-whacker with a branch trying to clear space for the garden in the most inefficient and ineffective manner possible.

Viewers want to know if any of the kids plan on ever leaving Brownton Abbey. “One of these days I’m going to have to go down south, because I think that’s where there are real girls,” Bear says. “I mean like California. You hear about California. It’s supposed to be chock-full of pretty girls, so I think that would be a pretty good place to look for some beautiful women.” Valley Girls wouldn’t find Bear nearly EXXXXTREME enough. (BTW, all of the Browns have already been to Los Angeles.)

Viewers want to know what Brownton Abbey will look like in the future. “It will probably look like some sort of gnome village,” Bear says.

“There’s so many of us that by the time we all have kids, it’s going to be a population boom like nothing else,” Matt says warns.

https://twitter.com/roadhammer11/status/629835158682779648

And that, friends, concludes Alaskan Bush People Season 2. You can all begin trying to repair the damage done to your psyche in preparation for Season 3.

Much love to y’all.

 

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