Scream Queens ScreamCap: Pilot/Hell Week

Ryan Berenz

11 years ago

🔪Read all of the Scream Queens ScreamCaps here, yo!😈

Alrighty, pledges. It’s premiere week for the 2015 fall season, which means it’s hell week for those of us smart enough to dupe someone into paying us money for writing about TV. I’m taking a break from covering football and these here idiots to do some recapping of FOX’s Scream Queens, which premiered Tuesday, Sept. 22, with “Pilot” and “Hell Week.” Instead of writing a whole lot of words you’re not going to read, I’m a gonna take a bunch of screencaps — I’m calling them “ScreamCaps” because I’m a clever bastard like that — of the most interesting or funniest stuff from the episodes. Then I’ll post them here with some commentary and attempts at humor.

But first, you guys have to go through some hazing rituals:
Step 1: Read this.
Step 2: Read this.
Step 3: Watch the Scream Queens episodes or Step 4 will either A) spoil stuff or B) won’t make any damn sense.
Step 4: Read this recap in its entirety.
Step 5: Repeat Step 4 as necessary.

You’ve been warned. Here we go:

We start off in 1995. A KKT sister just gave birth in a bathtub at the house during an off-the-hook partay. Major inconvenience! “I didn’t know I was pregnant,” she says. “I thought it was the freshman 15.” The urgent medical care both she and her newborn need will have to wait, though, because the six-disc CD changer just got CrazySexyCool with TLC. “I am not missing ‘Waterfalls‘ for this. ‘Waterfalls’ is my jam!” Seriously, if we find out that the killer in Scream Queens is T-Boz, I’m gonna be pissed … and maybe just a little surprised.

Poor Melanie Dorkess. The former KKT president overcame an unfortunate last name and her family’s Olive Garden ties to rise to power in the sisterhood, only to be maimed by a spray tanner containing hydrochloric acid while trying to achieve Jada Pinkett-Smith’s skin tone.

Oh, Chad and Boone. I love these dude bros. They remind me of the football players in Heathers. “I need you to stay popular, because if you want to stay on top of the list of pieces of ass I’m getting, there’s criteria, and the criteria is you need to be popular,” Chad tells Chanel No. 1. “We’re just trying to have a nice day hitting golf balls at hippies. Cross swords, bro.”

Let’s meet the new KKT pledges, all of whom will most assuredly survive and not be killed in grisly or ironic ways. Left to Right: Grace/Señorita Awesome/Sissy Spacek; Zayday/Akeelah; Neckbrace/Hester/Chick From Glee; Candle Vlogger Jennifer; Predatory Les/Butch/Mack/Something; Deaf Taylor Swift/Tiffany Something.

Horror flicks and deep fryers are such a crispy, delicious combination! Here, Ms. Beam is being cooked to tasty golden perfection. Add just the right seasonings (remember: no ethnic spices) and maybe a little side of Sriracha aioli for dipping, and you’ve got yourself some great eats! Enjoy, and don’t give a second thought to why a sorority house with apparently only four residents has a deep fryer of that size, or how petit Chanel No. 1 has enough strength to force the ample Ms. Beam into the oil.

Much to the delight of Americans and donut enthusiasts everywhere, Ariana Grande’s Chanel No. 2 character meets her fate. This is the 21st century. If your screams of terror aren’t Tweeted, then they didn’t really happen, amiright?

Might I suggest if someone offers you to attempt something called the “Sexy Gopher Whore Head Challenge,” that you politely decline? I’m just surprised that the killer only mulched Deaf Taylor Swift and not all the pledges in one single mowing. He must have something special planned for each of them. Inefficient, but fun! Commence with the Internet hand-wringing and finger-wagging about poking fun of and lawn-mowing deaf people.

A serial killer on campus is a great opportunity to give your institution some national media exposure. It’s also the perfect chance to videobomb TV news crews! “The campus is open, the classes are resuming and frogurt is back after popular demand in the dining hall,” says Cathy Munsch, Dean of Murder U.

The school and Kappa House are taking appropriate measures to fix the problem of murders on campus. Hiring private security firm Secure Enforcement Solutions, whose agents are equipped to protect malls, office complexes and Best Buy parking lots with non-lethal, barely effective force, should do the trick. Meet Denise Hemphill. If you encounter trouble and need Denise Hemphill’s assistance, here is the Secure Enforcement Solutions three-step program:

1) Scream Denise Hemphill’s name real loud.
2) Call 1-866-KLJ-0199.
3) Get the hell out of there. Run away real fast. And when you get to a place you deem to be safe, call 1-866-KLJ-0199.

Little Miss Sunshine Chanel No. 5 isn’t just homophobic, she has practical reasons for not wanting Boone in the sorority. “Accepting a gay will hurt the house, and he’s going to steal all of our expensive makeup and toiletries!” Hmmm. Might this give her a motive to kill Boone later on in this episode? Probably! She’s a super freak!

OMGWTF! Did anyone see Jennifer putting candle wax on her food? Ew.

SLUTS WILL DIE? That’s certainly true, but we’re not sure that’s what we were looking for in our “WE ❤ OUR KAPPA PLEDGES!” banner. Could you maybe change the text to read something more like what we originally planned? The color and font are OK as is. Thanks.

I love these guys, too. Boone’s gay buddies discover his body, and they react appropriately. I hope this isn’t the last we’ve seen of Rodger and Dodger.

“Ever since I broke up with you, I banged, like, 50 chicks. Also, my best friend Boone … he is dead.”

OH NO HE AIN’T! Woah. So Boone is in on the murderousness? Or did he fake his own death so he could rebrand himself as a gay guy? Is he trying to frame a Chanel? And who the hell is in charge of security at the county morgue? Denise Hemphill?