In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People special episode “Surviving the Lower 48,” to save the wolf pack from going stir crazy during Billy’s medical treatment, the family heeds the call of the wild and goes on an adventure even further into the Lower 48.
Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!
Here we have what Our Dear Narrator refers to as a “lost episode.” This makes even less sense than that one episode made from “lost footage.” Park Slope sure does lose a lot of stuff. So they’re telling me that this episode was filmed and edited in its entirety, and then a box full of VHS tapes that contained this episode just fell of a Park Slope truck and was rediscovered at someone’s garage sale, where Park Slope paid $3 for the whole box even though it was easily worth $5.
The episode opens with Bear playing around with a cactus. I’d love to see him try to climb one. The pain would be EXXXTREME.
Then we’re treated to a bunch of stuff we already saw at the end of last season and in this season’s preview episode. After bidding farewell to Brownton Abbey, the Browns head down to Seattle, where they live in the luxurious Marco Polo Motel. The sign out front advertises its “Nice Rooms,” and, hell, one really has to admire how they undersell the place. (Fun fact!: The Marco Polo Motel is slightly famous for being one of the last places Kurt Cobain was seen alive.) The same guy who came up with the “Nice Rooms” marketing campaign is probably also responsible for the motel’s half-finished website full of Lorem Ipsum:
Oh, the big, bad scary city! There are lots of noisy firetrucks racing to put out dumpster fires. The tap water is gross and doesn’t have any of that bear-piss flavor that you can only get from the creeks of the Alaskan Bush. Poor Bear is forced to run on treadmills, which are neither AWESOME nor EXXXTREME. And they all sit around in the motel room listening to Billy bitch and moan about popping pills and going to doctors appointments.
Then it’s time once again for Sentimental Journey With Billy & Ami. They take a walk to the harbor, where “Thirty years ago, Am and I started our adventure to Alaska from this very dock,” Billy says. He tells Ami that they’re going to take the family out on a road trip down the West Coast.
Billy shows up in the motel parking lot with a 33-year-old RV, which he acquired in the “best deal” he’s made since the Integrity.
What was the deal, exactly? Billy doesn’t say. Billy’s going to wait until the trip’s over to reveal which of his kids are now the property of Big Lou’s Pre-Owned RV Emporium.
The Browns shove off in the RV headed for Southern California, but a rainy night in Oregon forces the Browns to face A CRISIS THAT WILL CHANGE THE FUTURE OF THE FAMILY FOREVER! “I smell the radiator,” Bam says. Billy pulls off to the shoulder and they get out and check the engine. The radiator blew, and they’re claiming there’s a fire, though we don’t actually see one. Billy extinguishes the imaginary fire. (Does that count as work? I suppose.) Billy also tells his darned fool son Bear to stop standing in the freeway. A Good Samaritan, or maybe someone in the Park Slope production truck that’s been following them all the way, called for a tow truck.
The RV gets towed to M&M Auto Sales, where the unusually friendly staff let the Browns sleep in the scrapyard overnight. Bear gets to start a fire, and they can roast hot dogs. Space in the RV is limited, so Bear sleeps on the roof. Matt sleeps in a junked van, doing whatever it is people do in junked vans.
In the morning, Mickey [Update: Woah, Mickey], the owner of the scrapyard, gives Billy the bad news that the RV’s motor needs to be replaced and it’s going to take five days. Billy’s got to be back in Seattle for a doctors appointment, and they don’t have five days to sit around in rural Oregon. Not mentioned is how Billy could possibly pay for a replacement engine on a 33-year-old RV. Following the script, Mickey steps in with a generous solution. “I have a motorhome I don’t use,” Mickey says. “You can just take it and bring it back on your way back.” WHAT? Why are the Browns always running into people with a lot of expensive unused vehicles who are willing to lend them to a guy convicted of fraud? THAT IS BROWN LUCK!! Mickey’s had a few workers call in sick this week, and he’s behind on the car-crushing and metal-smashing work. So Mickey puts the Brown boys to work in the scrapyard, actually letting these nincompoops operate his heavy machinery. According to Our Dear Narrator, the Brown boys moved 50 tons of scrap in 10 hours. I wonder how Kenny will feel that Matt has been cheating on him with other scrapyards.
The Browns are truckin’ again, and in California, Billy stops at a ranch where the family can hunt wild pigs. Feral pigs are a menace in the South, and I’m sure they’re not welcome in California, either. Gabe, Matt and Birdy go hunting, and Matt shoots one of the hogs. Did a Brown actually shoot and kill something on the show? I can’t tell.
[DIGRESSION! This story is one of my favorites, and I can’t do it justice in writing, but I’ll try. My brother-in-law’s buddy Ty goes on trips to hunt wild pigs in the South. It’s basically a chance for a group of guys to get together with their guns and have fun shooting a nuisance species. Someone in Ty’s group shot and killed this enormous boar, and the guy was very excited. Their hunting guide, a stereotypical hillbilly, asks who shot it. The hunter proudly claimed responsibility. “Might as well kick that f*cker in the ditch,” the guide says, spitting out his tobacco juice. WHAT? Why? Everyone was confused. “It smells like piss. Not even the dogs will eat that thing.” Eh. Trust me, Ty tells the story so much better.]
Anyway, Gabe hangs the hog up and skins it, getting all nice and bloody in the process. They’re going to roast the pig on a spit. I’m not sure where they stored the carcass in the RV or where they acquired the spit, but that’s like pointing out a scratch on one of those junked cars the Brown boys smashed up.
The Browns stop in a desert area to set up camp, but first they’ve got to check for rattlesnakes. Bear, Birdy and Gabe spot one, and they get busy pestering and taunting it. Gabe gets down on all fours and starts mimicking it. Bear gets a big stick and scoots the snake away. I hope that snake comes back with 300 of his friends. Do the Browns even camp there? We don’t know, and it doesn’t matter.
In the interstitial, we find the Browns stuck in traffic. Bear is in AWE over the number of cars on the road and the number of people in them. “Every car has at least one person in it,” he says. And the cars in the carpool lane have at least TWO people in them! Someone get Bear one of those self-driving cars. I’m sure Google has one or two unused ones sitting around that Bear could borrow. Gabe is in awe of the traffic congestion. “There’s something up ahead stopping us, right? Car wreck? Moose crossing?” Gabe asks. Bear spots a Target store, and says, “Look! A giant bullseye!” Sure, Bear. Why don’t you shoot at it and see what happens?
The Browns finally arrive at the beach in San Diego. A few of them do a little swimming in the warm waters of the ocean, Birdy feeds the seagulls so they can crap all over someone’s Mercedes and Noah does his Bush Tai Chi on the beach to attract aspiring actress waitresses. Well, that was fun. So how do the Browns get back to Seattle, and what adventures do they have along the way? We’ll never know, because Park Slope lost that episode, too.
We’re treated to some scenes from upcoming episodes. Matt does something with tires again, Noah builds a Bush Security System with a motion-sensing light and a record player, and there are lots of Browns running around with guns like they’re defending against those imaginary guys who ran them out of Chitina way back in Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur? At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint occaecati cupiditate non provident, similique sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. Et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. Nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio cumque nihil impedit quo minus id quod maxime placeat facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. Temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.
