Done With Charity, It’s Time To Wave The American Idol Axe

Why am I surprised that tonight’s elimination episode of American Idol starts with a crappy recap of last night’s Idol Gives Back? Why? Why does Ryan Seacrest start this episode in a weird artsy way? Why? So many questions. So many answers I don’t really care about. Oooh! Songs from Idol Gives Back are topping the iTunes chart. Wow, I don’t care.

Then we get the Idols once again doing ‘Shout To The Lord.’ Again. Apparently American Idol is thinking maybe Kristy Lee Cook is on to something and invoking Jesus might up the ratings. I wonder what Carly thinks of this song, since she grew up in a country where people blew each other up over how they worshiped Jesus. I’m also wondering if any of our Idols don’t identify as Christian. Questions that I’m actually interested in that Idol shall never answer for me. Such is the dichotomy of American Idol.

Great. We’re getting all the stuff that was deemed too lame for the original broadcast of Idol Gives Back. People shilling for money — those who actually made it to air and those who didn’t — lip-synching to The Monkees ‘I’m A Believer.’ Oh, and who’s the wanker who cut Eddie Izzard from last night’s show? That would’ve actually been interesting. Except he wasn’t in makeup. Pity.

So we’re down to business. Ryan has his stools warmed up and Brooke White is out first. She’s very charming and flustered. She’s not sure if she’s going to make her sister’s wedding on Saturday. She’s not. She’s safe.

Then David Cook is called up to meet his judgment. We have a bit discussing the performance and who’s more smug — David Cook or Simon Cowell. Doesn’t matter, they’re both still in the show. David Cook is safe.

Next is the other David — David Archuleta. And the squeals commence. He often has that ‘I’m about to puke’ look. Ryan asks him if playing the piano made things harder. Doesn’t matter. He’s safe.

So we’ve got 3 safe and 5 left in the holding pen. That means most folks still in the back are in the bottom 3. Poor kids.

Just so you know, you can still give to Idol Gives Back if you so desire. We get another film from Forest Whitaker. He’s in Angola. It’s the story of a family led by a father who was blinded by a land mine. His 6-year-old son helps him get around to beg for food. I wonder if Forest Whitaker is even more affected by what he sees in Africa after playing Idi Amin, someone who caused so much pain in Africa. I’d love it if someone asked that, but alas, American Idol will not answer that question.

But enough of that — let’s get back to the singing! Jordin Sparks is singing with some guy. His name is Chris Brown and apparently he’s dreamy, given the squeals from the audience. I don’t know, Jordin, that performance bordered on naughty. At the end of the performance Jordin is awarded with a platinum download for the song she just sang. She gets a gold record for hitting a half-million CD sales and she got another platinum download for the song ‘Tattoo.’ Way to go, Jordin.

We’re not denied a Ford commercial this week. Man, the Top 8 Idols must be exhausted. This time they’re singing ‘I Just Want To Celebrate.’ Essentially they just had to dance in front of a screen & lip sync the song. Shouldn’t have been too hard.

We’ve got 20 minutes to get rid of the rest of them. Jason Castro is the first one out of the gate. I’m sure he’s warming his seat up for the Ryan stools. But there’s no need. He’s safe. Ryan’s going to have the last 4 mud-wrestle for that last spot. Kristy Lee Cook is called out, and Syesha looks like she’s going to cry. Ryan fake walks Kristy around and tells her she’s safe.

So the bottom 3 are Michael Johns, Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson. When Ryan asks who’s got the lowest votes, Carly waves. Don’t know, Carly. According to the TiVo factor, tonight’s Syesha’s night. We shall see, though.

Idol Gives Back is about changing the world, FYI. Bono tells us how we can change the world. He then tells us we can get his super-cool sunglasses through one.org and make a donation and get cool stuff. We also then get statements from the candidates that got cut last night. John McCain makes a way-lame comment about votes from Michigan and Florida counting in Idol elections. He then makes another lame joke about his immigration policy and that Simon better watch his back. Kathy makes a ‘klunk’ sound with each of them. They are quite the clunkers. John McCain is not the most charming guy.

Oh yeah, and this whole time the bottom 3 are sweating it out. We then come back from the break. Ryan starts with Michael Johns. Then moves to Syesha Mercado. Finally Carly Smithson gets the Ryan recap treatment.

OMG! Michael Johns is going home. Wow. Paula is slack-jawed. This is like that time Constantine Maroulis got sent home. Or Chris Daughtry. Ryan mentions that last year at this time they didn’t send anyone home. It’s a big tease — not so this year. Bye-bye Michael Johns. TiVo hath failed us. Let this be a lesson to others — do not taunt Americans with the ascot more than once. America will not take kindly to that.

I’m taking kindly to the lack of lame phone calls from ‘people like me.’ Cut to Carly crying, since she really thought she was going home this week. Welcome to the Kristy Lee slot, Carly. You’ve got to own it and move on, just like the rest of us.