I’ve decided that this cycle of America’s Next Top Model, I should drop the alias and come clean. Start fresh. Admit that part of my work duties include blogging trashy TV. Tyra is starting Cycle 11 with a new beginning in Los Angeles. Because, you know, ANTM has never been in LA before.
I learned this before from Sarah Palin, but one of the Alaskan semifinalist (Hannah) says that LA is way different from Alaska. Thanks for confirming Hannah!
The Jays are dressed in space age dress introducing the Top Model School of Technology. These girls are on a top-secret classified mission. The girls all have to dress in a hootchie Star Trek outfit with 80s boots.
Mr Jay is looking very, very 80s. His hair reminds me of Fred from Scooby Doo. Or part of the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Or Xandir P. Wifflebottom from Drawn Together.
Miss J is looking for scientifically superior walk. Joslyn throws in a twirl. It could’ve been a swirl, but I think it’s a twirl.
The girls have to step into the Glaminator 11.0. One girl actually thinks the glaminator is a real thing. Really, it’s just a box for Tyra to make an entrance. Kathy says, and I agree, that they’re amping up the cheese this cycle. Tyra is speaking in robot speak. It’s so bad. She calls Miss J ‘Alpha J’ and Mr. Jay ‘Beta J.’ I wonder how Mr. Jay feels about being the beta. Maybe that’s what his spat with Tyra was all about.
One girl is confident she’s going to win, but she doesn’t know any designers. Another girl was almost sold to a Saudi Arabian prince. Whoops! Guess that ‘modeling agency’ wasn’t for real after all.
Isis is the star of the show. Why? Because she’s transgendered. Oh, yeah. She also tells all the girls at the outset. Didn’t wait until they cut to the top 14. This girl’s tough — was discovered during the homeless shoot last cycle & is back to compete on her own terms. Clark also sets herself up as the resident B in the house. Sorry, Clark. A blonde won last year. I wouldn’t count on winning this cycle.
I learned something! When meeting Sheena, I learn that Miss J is half Korean. I did not know that. Thanks for educating ANTM!
Hannah is sweet as pie. She grew up without heat and once got chased by a moose. So Tyra plays moose & chases her. Hannah’s job is to run fiercely. She doesn’t do a good job, so she has to then chase Tyra so Tyra can show her fierce running.
Elina likes all flavors. Except the meat kind. Elina is crushing on Clark. Oh, that’s too bad Elina. Go free some animals. You’ll get more satisfaction out of that. We’ve already set up that Clark’s on the prowl to stomp on someone. Perhaps it won’t be Isis she’s stepping on after all.
Susan will not get in to America’s Next Top Model. Not because she’s unattractive, but because she went to Harvard, majored in English, and couldn’t pose like any character from literature Tyra threw out. Yeah, not good.
So we’re moving on to Phase 2. For this, the Wonder Twin Jays have changed into pink. Girls put their hands on a ‘scanner’ and a cheesy message comes up saying ‘access granted’ or ‘access denied.’ Of course, the ‘access denied’ girls are crying.
Now it’s time for the photo shoot that will cut things down to 14. The girls have 5 minutes to put on a blue catsuit and put on makeup. Samantha does a way weird cat thing with her makeup. No one knows why. Other girls vamp, flop, and pose in other awkward ways. We’ll see what the end products look like, but right now I’m only seeing a whole lot of ugly.
We get a ‘commercial’ hosted by Nigel Barker telling us all about some girl who competed in Cycle 3. I have to believe Nigel, as I didn’t watch the show at the time. Apparently she did real good in an edition of Italian Vogue. See, ANTM does breed top models! It does!
Now Tyra’s in pink, and the Jays are in silvery trench coats. It’s time for them to talk about the girls. Tyra did a lot of fingering of buttons. Then they have to beam fiercely. I want to beam fiercely. So do all of these girls, but only 14 will be allowed to. Do I have to tell you who those girls are? They’ve been all over the Internet for a couple of weeks now. Well, if you don’t know, they are:
Analeigh
Brittany
Brittany S (McKey)
Brittany B (ShaRaun)
Clark
Elina
Hannah
Isis
Joslyn
Lauren Brie
Marjorie
Nikeysha
Samantha
Sheena (Yellow Fever)
So, now we’re starting the first official ‘episode’ of ANTM. The girls are in groups of 3 in the backseat of a cool convertible and are taken to a rooftop to mix & mingle and scream at the top of their lungs when the Jays come out. Mr. Jay’s hair is back to normal. I feel like all’s right with the world.
The bus is here to take the girls to their Top Model pad. Of course, it’s huge and gorgeous.
But enough about the house, let’s hear about Isis and her boy bits. Seriously, girls, calm down. Some girls freak out about her being in the pool. She’s not naked or anything, people. Other girls are way cool about it. Oh, yeah, and Marjorie is all self-conscious & doesn’t know if people like her. Pssst. Marjorie. The other girls aren’t paying attention to you. If you haven’t noticed, there’s a transgendered girl in the house. She’s kind of got the lock on the attention right now.
McKey is ‘training’ and so she’s using a pillow as a punching bag. Seems logical to me. Girls gotta have a workout.
TyraMail! Something about being intimate. The girls are whisked away to The Magic Castle. There they meet Ed Alonzo, the misfit of magic. The Jays are his assistants, and with the word ‘fierce’ Nigel Barker appears. Then Paulina appears from the Magic Book. The judges announce that each girl will get one on one time with each of the judges. They will be judged in this meeting.
ShaRaun introduces herself to each judge as America’s Next Top Model. Nigel is confused by her. Paulina asks McKey what she would do if she were propositioned by a photographer. She, of course, responds that she would kick him in the crotch. Paulina is frightened. Marjorie can only sit & giggle in front of the judges.
Back at the house, all the girls get ‘model basics’ clothes: black dress, shoes and skinny jeans. The things that will get good marks from the judges & not the mall comment.
Today’s photo shoot is all about the issues of the election. Voting is sexy! And the girls who aren’t registered to vote will get registered. That’s cool. Mike Rosenthal is our photographer for today.
Marjorie is given the task of conveying the issue of immigration, which makes her feel comfortable, since she is an immigrant. Clark doesn’t know what bureaucracy is. McKey is smart and doesn’t tell her what it means. McKey doesn’t know how to convey environmentalism and Clark predicts she’s going home. Rowr. I predict neither one of them will be out, as they’re both good TV.
Hannah doesn’t know how she feels about nuclear weapons. ShaRaun is being a big old B by talking smack to Isis while she’s one of the background players in her shoot. Then ShaRaun is complaining about how hard the shoot is. It’s hard!
TyraMail tells the girls that someone’s about to get the axe. Marjorie admits that she needs to toughen up. Glad you realize that. Here’s hoping you get a chance to try and do that.
Tyra’s posing with aluminum cans in her hair & a shirt that totally violates the flag code. She tells the girls that voting is their responsibility, which is true. We finally see Miss Jay’s theme this cycle. He’s got a big old sparkly #14 as a necklace. I have a feeling it’ll be 13 next week.
Samantha gets the ‘you went crazy at the mall’ comment on her outfit. She’s asked to remove several pieces of jewelry, as is Joslyn. Hannah is asked to remove her headband so she doesn’t look so ‘Gossip Girl.’ She squeals that it’s her favorite show! McKey gets major props for her boxing look, much to Clark’s chagrin. I wonder if Clark knows what chagrin means. Isis gets positive feedback too. Time to talk behind people’s backs, I mean, deliberate.
The deliberation doesn’t give us much, because we’ve just got too many girls in the pool. But we do get encouraged to vote. Yeah voting! The girl who gets called first will have her picture displayed in the house for a week for all the other girls to sneer at.
We whittle down the girls until we’re left with ShaRaun and Nikeysha and ultimately ShaRaun gets the cut and immediately falls to the floor sobbing. I didn’t see it, but apparently Clark had the smarmiest smirk on her face. She now knows that she’s the evil one of the house. The DE — Designated Evil.
So we’re ready to go weekly. Next week we’re bringing back your favorite guest mentor and mine — Benny Ninja! Boy, I’m sure glad I’ve got yoga again next week. I’m going to need it for the next episode of America’s Next Top Model.