By Barb Oates
It seemed at age 36 Adam Goldstein (a.k.a. DJ AM) had finally overcome his demons. When we met in July, I never imagined he would be dead four weeks later — allegedly falling victim to the drug he so faithfully and confidently professed his sobriety to.
Having survived last year’s devastating plane crash that killed four people and critically injured him and blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, he said to me: “I often sometimes go, ‘Why am I still here? How am I still here?’ And then I realize I’m never going to get the answer to that. I just keep going.”
And he seemed to be going in the right direction. In October, MTV was scheduled to debut Goldstein’s passion project, an intervention series titled Gone Too Far that offered an eye-opening portrayal of the horrifying effects and battles addicts and their families face every day.
“I’ve always helped people get sober since I’ve been sober,” Goldstein said. “If someone’s alive, they are not too far gone. There is a chance. I’ve learned that it’s all about willingness — they have to want it. If they don’t want it, there’s nothing I can do for them. If they want to stop, I can help them. They just have to take that direction.”
If only someone could have done the same for him.
Below is a more detailed transcript of some of our conversation.
In the pilot of Gone Too Far, the mom kind of surprised me, she didn’t seem like she wanted to help.
DJ AM (Adam Goldstein): And that was the pilot. I’ve always helped people get sober since I’ve been sober. [In the pilot the mom claims to not have seen her daughter doing drugs.] Their bedroom doors are right next to each other; I’ve been in their house. And I said to them, “Your daughter is 20 years old and she’s been shooting heroin for five years, right next door to you. How does that happen?” And she’s like, “What am I suppose to do? I don’t know what she’s doing behind the door.” “You know what she’s doing behind the door.” And I asked her, “What if you found her dead?” And she said, “Well, you know then she wouldn’t be in pain anymore?” And I had to ask her do you realize how insane that sounds? Do you really think there is no hope? Do you know there is another way? And the family got mad at me, I guess, for asking, “Do you realize what you just said?” The words came out of their mouth; I’m just kind of repeating it from an outsider’s point of view, I guess, from someone who knows there’s another chance.
Do any of the addicts you confront recognize you? Does that help with the intervention?
One or two have recognized me, but none of that matters — even outside of the show — at all. What matters is that I am a recovering drug addict and I’m trying to help someone get sober. I try to quickly move past whatever they have seen or heard of me, and say, “I am Adam and I know what it’s like to be completely obsessed about getting high and have to answer that bell that rings in your head.” Right away I speak addict to the addict and they get that we speak the same language — we kind of like have this bond, this phenomenon of a craving that you can’t stop and they know that I know, and I say, “Look I made it out and this is what I did,” and I offer them a chance.
How do the addicts’ families react to you?
Almost every family has been in agreement that they want help — they just really don’t know how to get it or what to do or are terrified of their child, brother or sister because drug addicts are, you know, pretty determined. They’ve tried everything and they are kind of at their last resort.
How much time do you give the addicts from the initial intervention to your follow-up?
Usually I check in two weeks from when they first go. I’ve called a few right away if I felt like they needed it. I’ve called them off-camera and on-camera, pretty much stay in touch. I would do this anyway, they just happen to be there filming it.
I imagine you develop relationships, since it’s obvious you care about these people. I would imagine this is a lot of extra emotional baggage.
It is.
How do you decompress, kind of shake it off and stop worrying about them?
Because I can’t worry about them. I can carry the message of sobriety, but I can’t carry them. And I know that. So that’s my job — to carry that message that there is hope, there is a way. Not them. To me that’s what their family has been doing, trying to carry them. It’s pointless. I have no control over them.
Are there some people on show who you struggled with?
It hasn’t happened yet. Miraculously I think somehow there’s magic in one addict working with another. Once I start talking to them they just break and they just don’t want to be like that anymore. Even when they are high. Once they see someone in front of them who knows what it’s like.
As far as yourself, as a former addict, you said in the press panel that you stay away from anyone doing cocaine. Once you are an addict, it’s like you have to lose that whole side of your …
I don’t think I could socially do cocaine. You know. When I start I can’t stop. I can’t socially drink. I don’t want two drinks. Two isn’t enough and 2,000 isn’t enough. That’s just the way it is for me.
How hard is that to constantly say no?
Honestly, it’s really easy in a club to say no to a drink because if you try being sober in a club, once, you see how stupid everyone looks that’s drunk. Trying or thinking that they’re cool and the liquid courage. You realize “Wow, that’s what I look like.”
What have you learned from this?
If someone’s alive they’re not too far gone, there is a chance. Some of these people are very near death. I’ve learned that it’s all about willingness, they have to want it. If they don’t want it, there’s nothing I can do for them. If they don’t want to get sober, if they want to keep getting high, they are going to keep getting high. If they want to stop I can help them. They just have to be willing to take that direction.
What surprises you about yourself? You’ve gone through so much, you’ve got to take a breath and say, “I didn’t realize I had this in me.”
I do. I often sometimes go, “Why am I still here? How am I still here?” And then I realize I’m never going to get the answer to that. I just keep going.
As far as your health goes, and the accident, are you fully recovered?
Yeah, I’m fully recovered. I mean I have scars from being burned, but I’m fully recovered.
Mentally, I imagine you have to have nightmares? How do you get on a plane?
I had a terrible nightmare right afterwards. I mean a terrible nightmare and I don’t usually have nightmares. I stay very close to my friends and family. I see a post-trauma doctor and I try and do what I have to do to take care of myself. Trying not too much to think about me, which is what I usually do. Addiction is a self-centered disease. Most addicts, it’s all about me, and me and me, and that’s how I naturally am. So I’m trying to make it more about these kids.
Well, actually with the series you are going back into this dark world — isn’t that scary where you’re kind of revisiting your past and looking in the mirror?
It’s very scary because I see myself in every one of them — in my disease when I was using. I see the same things but it’s also a reminder that I don’t want to go back to that because I see how unhappy they are.
Are you happy?
Yes.
That’s good to hear. How about your shoe collection, where you at?
I’ve slowed down. I don’t even know. Over 600 I think.
Still doing Friday nights in Vegas?
Every Friday in Vegas. I’ve been in Vegas for five years now. Almost every weekend.
R.I.P. Adam, you will be missed.