Dance Moms recap: The Smoke Before The Fire

Welcome back, Dance Moms fans. Did everyone have a nice holiday? A happy New Year’s Eve? A happy New Year’s Day … thus far? One that you’re willing to sacrifice to all the arguing that is surely about to entail? Or maybe you have a raging headache from too much celebrating that you doubt could possibly be made worse by what happens here. You’re about to find out, because here we go.

We start with an incredibly lovely group number called “Just Be” which I would love from start to finish except for the part where 3/4 of the way through the song, the ethereal singer notes that besides flying over the water like a couple of birdies, just being also includes making love from dusk till noon — which a) doesn’t seem like a good idea for children and b) I’m hoping is edited out of the press cut I am watching before it comes to your TV. In any case, it’s good to see the girls dance.

Then we start out with JC, Executive Producer Superstar — who has supplemented the new hairdo he sported in the Dance Moms Christmas Special with a little moussed-up peak — grilling the dance moms.

Jill looks like an advertisement for vacationing in Palm Beach, what with her deep, dark Banana Boat tan setting off her cantaloupe-colored dress.

She is also the first to admit she is most certainly worried about Abby hosting nationwide auditions to bolster the ALDC competition team.

Christi chimes in that Abby’s a total hypocrite replacing her own students with dancers trained to be outstanding by other instructors. Stand by your work, say the moms. The kids are willing to go to the ends of the earth for Abby and they should be rewarded for their loyalty.

Pressed further in the matter, Melissa says oh pshaw! Abby really does too care about all of her kids and she’s probably just threatening to replace them to light a fire under their complacent arses.

“Bingo!” hollers an also super-tan Abby, who is lounging backstage and flanked by her faithful companion Gia. “It’s not about putting new kids on the team.” Er, what is it about, then? Because if you’re giving the auditioning kids and their parents the impression that they ARE competing for a spot on the team, with no intention of actually putting anyone there, that’s a little … wrong.

JC wants to change the subject. When did you decide to start homeschooling, he wants to know of Melissa. That would be last summer, she says. So they can have more dance time, JC supposes. Well about the same amount as Nia, Melissa fudges.

Christi says Maddie and Mackenzie have told her that they’re at the studio 10-12 hours a day, which makes Holly and Jill frown something fierce. Melissa says that’s not possible. Christi says they only do “school” 2 hours a day, so it is, too, possible. Melissa says that’s not true either. They do school from 8:30-12:30. So there.

Christi says when she was driving Maddie someplace in her car, Maddie told her that she cried when she found out she wasn’t allowed to go back to school. Take that. Melissa says she was crying because of the teacher she got. And the school only wants money anyway.

Kelly says something I can’t decipher about the school not wanting something of Melissa’s, which makes the audience gasp and applaud. Or maybe the applause is for Melissa telling Kelly it’s none of her bleeping business. Or maybe it’s split down the middle.

Then we have a little talk about Chloe always having to prove herself to Abby and how new dancers might motivate Kendall not to be fragile and lazy. Then we talk about Brooke’s other pursuits — which also include a new boooooyfriend. Squeeeee!

The girls join their mothers onstage and JC calls them the real stars of the show. JC has obviously not been watching his own creation lately. Or if he has, he’s exceptionally bad at assessing how often the dancers are onscreen and a “real” part of the plot line.

We grill Brooke about the boyfriend a little bit and find out that Paige takes her job as their chaperone very seriously.

Then we learn how Nia got her new dog, Olive. Which is that Cathy tried to give Abby a replacement for the dear, departed Broadway Baby and — direct quote — “Abby flipped out.”

I’m guessing that would be because 1) a French bulldog and a Bichon Frise could not possibly look less alike and 2) who really does want to be gifted with a dog by your mortal enemy? But anyway, Olive has a happy home with the Fraziers now, so happy ending.

Backstage, Abby says she only saw the dog for, like, 2 seconds, because she opened the door, went “alllgh!” and slammed the door shut because it was just too soon. This is why we do not buy children pets at Christmas and Easter, people. It’s only good in theory. Buy pets for yourself and that is all.

Then Nia and Maddie tell a story about how Abby convinced an ankle-brace-wearing Nia to limp over to a wheelchair in the Vegas airport so her Zone 3 boarding privileges would be upgraded to first on the plane.

Busted.

Then we talk about Mackenzie giving make-up tips online. Mackie shows us how she applies lip gloss.

She looks all grown up … and a lot like her mom.

Then we talk about Kendall’s Dance Track magazine cover and whether Kendall plans to do any more modeling. She hopes to. I’m sure Abby is thrilled about that.

Chloe has started a new school and is texting all the new boys she met there. Chloe says she is keeping her options open.

When we come back, Abby and her sequined pink zebra-print shell have the stage to themselves, save for JC.

JC asks her about the national auditions. Abby says she trains dancers and can recognize potential in a 4- or 5-year-old, so that’s who she is looking for. Then she says the reason she is looking is because her own competition team members are pursuing singing and modeling and other stuff, so why should she waste her time on kids who aren’t fully committed? The audience applauds.

Then JC asks her how she would fix the kids she has.

Mackenzie, who does not have natural turnout, needs to double up her ballet training. Backstage, Melissa frowns.

Kendall’s biggest issue is her mother. Jill resists flipping off the monitor, but not by much.

Nia is getting taller and more mature, says Abby, but she is still not on the same level as some of the other dancers because of previous health issues.

Brooke, like Nia, needs her mother to meddle less, plus Kelly is a no-good momager. Let’s bring her out to talk that over.

Kelly points out that she has gotten Brooke on a national TV show and they’ve sold 35,000 of her albums. “Is this your way of thanking me?” Abby interjects. Because if Brooke wasn’t on the show, she wouldn’t have sold the albums. I’d argue that if she wasn’t on the show, the show may not have done as well as it did, so it’s the circle of life. Or fame. Or whatever. You get out your claws and scratch my back and I’ll get out my claws and scratch yours.

Kelly says that Abby has never shown any interest in developing the entirety of her students’ potential — except for one. Abby protests that Brooke was supposed to sing at the dance concert and she had beach balls and backup dancers and everything, and Kelly walked out of the damned show! Kelly says she walked out because Abby set Paige up to fail at the concert. Abby retorts that Brooke is going to be a one-hit wonder. Christi finds that rude.

But what if she is a one-hit wonder, JC wants to know. She isn’t, says Kelly, listing Brooke’s successes. Singing shminging — it’s Abby’s dance team and she’ll handle how she wants to.

Then Brooke sings a song called “Mean to Me.” Brooke is a beautiful girl, but she is not a professional-caliber singer by anyone’s standards. The most adorable critter at the school talent show? Sure thing. One with whom a music producer would work if she were not a Dance Moms franchise commodity? No. But she is, so how does it hurt anyone if she milks that musical cow for as long as it gives milk? So stop being Mean to Her, Abby.

Then Chloe — who has grown into her long legs and graceful body and decidedly become a young woman — dances a solo called Too Late. It involves a lot of falling-down-type moves.

When we come back, Jill and Christi are back onstage, too, and JC asks what the fan reaction has been like to Chloe not getting to defend her title at Nationals because of Christi and Leslie’s street brawl. Christi says the fans were understandably upset and she doesn’t think her actions should’ve been taken out on Chloe.

JC asks Abby if that’s actually the case and Abby says absolutely. It’s in the contract that that will happen if the mothers misbehave. Christi wants to know why public nudity doesn’t count, because Melissa flashed her boobs on Bourbon Street. Abby says she didn’t see that happen … well, until she saw the episode.

Uh. You weren’t there to witness the other thing, either, toots. Allow Jill’s face to speak for the rest of us.

Abby says anyhow Christi has never apologized. Christi says she HAS apologized — to the team. Then she formally apologizes to Abby and says she hopes that what has happened in the past will not continue to be taken out on her 12-year-old daughter in the new dance season.

Abby says she would never. What she would hold against the kid is missing booty camp and missing choreography class, and Christi retorts that Abby herself missed all but one day of booty camp herself. Abby says she was there; she only taught one day because she was hosting kids from all over the country. Christi says she had kids from all over the country because those kids wanted to take classes with the girls — which is how Abby advertised camp in the first place.

Then we learn that Jill’s husband has a little maxim that goes something like this: “Everything Christi does, Melissa has to hang her d-bleep-ick out to show that it’s the biggest.” That’s an image I’m going to need a few minutes to get rid of.

Jill says he actually says that about all of them.

Then, spurred on by JC, Christi says that Abby thinks education is a joke. Abby uses her outside voice to clarify that she thinks having to take gym class is a joke, because apparently walking to the bus, having recess and dance class should cover it. Christi hollers back that she can’t call the Pennsylvania Board of Education and inform them that Chloe only needs three classes because Abby says so, so hush up.

JC asks Jill how she feels about education and she says she is not opposed to pulling Kendall for special dance classes. It’s all about balance. Yes, says JC, but you missed booty camp! It was in the contract, adds Abby: Booty camp is mandatory. Kelly chimes in that the vacation was about family, and Christi says that if missing four days of camp out of years’ worth of training is such a disaster, Abby must not be a very good teacher. Abby says Kendall only learned the choreography for the Season 4 premiere from Maddie, so thank God Maddie was in booty camp. WOOOOOOOOOOOO! woos the audience.

Next Maddie … oops, Madison … oops [typing in a British accent, since she makes JC introduce her in a British accent] Madison does a dance called [British-accent-typing] “Madison.” Also, we are reminded, she is Abby’s favorite and destined for Broadway. Er, is this an existing song from a existing show? Because if it’s not, it is not going to do the kid any favors where those of us concerned about little egos are concerned.

I’m going to choose to believe it is. Don’t tell me if I’m wrong. I do not want to know.

Then Holly and a scowling Melissa return to the stage. We discuss how Nia only got 1 solo all last season, which Abby says is because she’s in it to win it, not be altruistic about who gets solos and who doesn’t. Holly says she is challenging Abby to make her willing hard worker of a daughter into a winning dancer. Abby says well then Holly has to push her, too. Holly says she will be a different mom this season.

Then Kelly asks Abby why, since she has been working with Brooke since the girl was 2, can she not be happy for Brooke’s other successes. Abby says it’s because they have differing opinions of what great is. Abby still tries to take credit for Brooke’s singing (which I will give her for the aforementioned reason) and says she is sad that Brooke is neglecting dance. Kelly says that that is because Abby isn’t profiting from Brooke’s singing successes. What is it that Holly always says? Oh yes: “Abby loves a dollar.”

JC asks Kelly if she would take Brooke out of school if it would help her singing career. Kelly says it would be up to Brooke. Melissa says the Hylands thought about it. Kelly says Maddie has told her, too, that she’s sad to be out of school. JC asks Melissa if she has any regrets. Sometimes, Melissa admits.

Jill says the extra dance time does give the Ziegler kids an advantage over their kids, but there is more to the school experience than just reading, writing and ‘rythmatic. Yes, says Abby. Like getting hit in the mouth with a field-hockey puck. Kelly says the girls could also tear their ACL in dance class and then what good is the home schooling? It is what it is, says Abby.

Then JC throws the ol’ $64,000 Dance Moms question out there: Who is more responsible for the success of the show, the girls or Abby? Melissa says they wouldn’t have the show in the first place without Abby. Yes, says Christi, but the only reason America cares about the show is because they are invested in the success of the seven dancers. They want to see Nia get solos and Brooke do her singing and Chloe feel good about herself, because they are who we fell in love with. The audience applauds.

Abby says fine, but give credit where credit is still due. Christi says they do; it is Abby who snubs the girls’ gratitude. Maybe she should thank the mothers and dancers for their part in her success. Abby looks livid and tells her not to come to Maryen Lorrain’s funeral.

Wait. What? Did Maryen Lorrain die? I thought we just learned on the Christmas special that Maryen was home for Christmas and doing fine? As broken up as Abby was when Broadway Baby died, I’d think she should be prostrate on the stage if Maryen met Jesus on Christmas, so I’m choosing to believe Mrs. Miller lives on. Tell me gently if I’m wrong.

Then JC warns us that another bombshell is in the offing. But first Kendall performs “what a lot of people think was Chloe’s choreography for Nationals,” which is called VooDoo doll. It sure looks way more like Chloe choreography than Kendall choreography. Jill says she hopes it makes Abby see that Kendall can do lyrical solos and push the envelope with her choreography.

Then JC asks Christi if she could ever accept Leslie back into the group. Um no.

No.

Christi likens Leslie to a chihuahua in need of constant squirts from the water bottle o’ admonishment.

Next, JC wants all the mothers to stare deeply into his eyes and tell him the one thing that they want from Abby this season. Holly?

Believe in Nia, Holly says. Abby says she always has and that a title-winning dancer isn’t always the one who makes it in the professional world. Nia could still make it. But Abby wants winners at competitions.

What does Kelly want? Stop torturing her girls, says Kelly. So just say, “Oh honey. it’s fabulous!” retorts Abby. No, says Kelly. Just keep your corrections about dance and not about personal attacks.

Melissa always gets what she wants, so JC asks her if, going into Season 4, she feels closer to Abby or closer to the moms. You do not need me to tell you how this one works out. Melissa says she and the Abster have gone through a lot of things personally lately.

Then JC flat-out asks Abby if the moms and dancers are truly at risk of being replaced.

Abby says there are a lot of kids with a lot of talent. One in particular. Meet Thalia. And her former dancer mom Jennifer, who uses a wheelchair. Abby doesn’t say if Thalia is actually already a member of the team or not, but we watch her dance, anyway. She seems to be about Maddie’s size, but a bit sturdier of limb and longer in the torso.

I’m not sure who I think should be worried most because she dances just like Maddie (only smiling, where Maddie always looks tormented) — the other girls because now there are potentially two Maddies. Or Maddie for the very same reason. I guess we’ll find out because the Season 4 premiere of Dance Moms is next.

New episodes of Dance Moms air Tuesday nights at 9/8CT on Lifetime.