Dance Moms Girl Talk recap: What we had was a girl party … sort of

Well, Dance Moms nation, those of you who predicted last week that this week’s Girl Talk special was going to be a little, er, shall we say … stagey? You called it. I was really, really hoping for the dress-up version of a slumber party where we were all in the same room telling secrets and giggling and eating junk food and calling Candy Apple boy dancers and singing into hair brushes. No moms. No Abby. No such luck.

• RELATED: Dance Moms star Abby Lee Miller on Dancing with the Stars May 5

We’re doing this several kids at a time — no JC either — and the questions came via Twitter from the fans.

Also, who else besides me got a good laugh out of the part where the intro pointed out that we’ve heard the screaming, the threats and the tears and now we’re about to be civilized. With the children. Thesis statement for the whole show, right there, am I right?

Also, Asia’s back and so is Vivi, but Kalani’s nowhere to be seen. What’s up with that? Kira was on the Seeing Red deal.

Well, anyway, Chloe Maddie and Nia are up first.

Question #1: Are Maddie and Chloe more like friends or rivals?

Maddie eyeballs Chloe cooly and says it’s kinda like one day they’re best friends, the next day they’re rivals. You know, because of dancing. But she can do a cool trick with Chloe’s face. Smiling. Frowing. Smiling. Frowning.

Aaaaand why is Abby talking right now? And now Melissa? Yes, it’s in flashback clips, but still. No Abby. No Moms. They promised. I was promised an hour of all girls and no Abby. This thing ain’t called Woman Talk, after all …

Then Maddie says that they kind of have to like each other because they live together half the time, and the other girls shrug and nod.

Question #2: What’s it like for Chloe to know that Maddie is Abby’s favorite?

Chloe says she wishes she could know what it feels like to be Abby’s pet, but she’s adjusted to her lot in life at the ALDC. Then we get to relive the drama where Chloe’s solo beat Maddie’s solo and Abby jiggered the results. Seriously? We could not have done this special without unpleasantness? That was out of the question?

Nia says she’s just  glad it didn’t happen to her and that she felt really bad for Chloe.
Chloe says it just made her stronger.

Question #3: Has Maddie ever been yelled at by Abby?

Maddie says it’s pressure being Abby’s favorite and she feels bad half the time. She’s at the studio every second and yet, when Abby questioned her commitment, she went three weeks without getting a solo. It made her cry.

We watch some video of Abby tearing down her special favorite, after which Nia reminds Maddie that it was only three weeks. Nia barely gets three solos an entire season … if she’s lucky. Touche’, oh plucky, head-banded one!

Question #4: How did Maddie feel when her music stopped during that one solo?

Let’s remember what that looked like. OK, yeah, that was a heroic effort there, kid. Worth the standing O.

Afterward, Maddie says she kept going because 1) she knew that Abby would kill her if she didn’t and 2) it was the professional thing to do. Nia says it’s just how they’re trained: Do not get killed by Abby.

Question #5: What is Maddie’s and Chloe’s favorite duet?

Both girls agree on Black Swan. Maddie loved it because she got to be sweet and Chloe got to be evil like she so loves to be. Chloe loves it because they won. “Yeah, but you killed me,” teases Maddie.

Who else is totally enjoying how teeny the little black and white swans were! And all the other dancers, too. Oh, they grow up so fast! So, so fast!

When we come back from commercial, Payton has taken Maddie’s place. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Payton talk this much, ever. But that could be because Leslie never shuts up.

Question #6: Why does Payton keep coming back to the competition team after all of the indignities dealt her way?

Good question, question asker. And Payton gives a good answer.

She says she comes back because the dance she gets to do is always something unique and interesting and lets her tell a cool story. Two thumbs up, Pay Pay. And way to find the silver lining.

Then we see Payton getting dragified with the Kinky Boots drag queens. Nia points out that there’s been a lot of drag queens in their world, courtesy of Abby. Payton thinks Abby wants to be a drag queen.

Yep. She does. Except for that one part. No, not that one.

In a related matter, Nia says she used to think drag queens were ladies. They ARE ladies, says Chloe, putting her head in her hands.

Let’s relieve the wee little dancers getting their first look at their first drag queen Shangela, who teaches Nia her death drop. Nia says that thanks to Shangela, she learned to be  herself, be fierce … and do her death drop. The other two decide that Nia’s the ultimate death dropper. You’ve been dethroned, Shangela. By your own trainee.

Question #7: You, know, since we just watched Nia purposely hurl herself to the floor on several occasions … Who hasn’t been injured?

Payton had a broken finger and a broken ankle — and that’s just from the times she danced with the Pitt Crew.

Let’s take a moment and watch everyone fall down. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Question #8: Did Payton think it was fair that she got kicked off the competition team after breaking her ankle?

Payton says no matter what Abby thinks, she was just practicing the routine, not goofing off … but whatever. Nia says, either way, she was just being a kid. The ultimate silver liner-er, Payton says she’s just glad she can dance with them again. So many bones left to break!

Along with #askdancemoms, Cinnamon Roll pancakes are trending on on Twitter. Errrr merrrrr gerrrd! These!

I want pancakes. Or a cinnamon roll. Or cinnamon rolls pounded into pancakes. Someone? Help!

When we return, Chloe is hanging out with Mackenzie and Asia, who cribbed Nia’s headband look. Also, you can only push Asia’s off button if you bribe her with a puppy.

Question #9: Are Big Mac and Asia friends or enemies?

Friends, says Mac, looking at Chloe, not at her “friend.” The battle is only the stage, says Asia. Oh, says Mac. We watch them duet and Melissa lose her marbles in the audience.

Question #10: What were Mac and Asia’s favorite dances?

Asia says she loved all her solos on the show. Er, she means on the competition team, wink wink. No shenanigans there, no sir! She was a dyed-in-the-spandex member of the Pitt Crew, yes sirree.

Mac says she liked Asia’s robot solo best. She made good face. Asia says she was born with faces. She demonstrates a few. The Eyebrow is her favorite.

If you’re going to be Team Asia, you have to have an Eyebrow.  If you’re not, you have to have a puppy.

Mackie likes a kiss face best. Chloe? Chloe says she doesn’t have a face. She’s just … there.

Question #11: What’s are Mac and Asia’s favorite part of being on Dance Moms?

Mac’s favorite part is singing. Who wants to bet that’s, at least in part, because Maddie doesn’t do it? Asia says she thinks Mac could be Katy Perry in a few short years. And on that subject, guess what’s fresh out of the editor’s oven? No, not Cinnamon Roll pancakes. The Girl Party video!

It’s so auto-tuned it could be Katy Perry, but the cuteness factor is off the charts, and the girls seemed to have the time of their lives doing it, so I declare myself a fan. If you can’t live without the single, you can download it here.

After commercial, Nia, Maddie and Chloe are back to talk about missing Brooke and Paige.

Maddie says Brooke was special because she was bendy. Nia says she used to be bendy, but not like that. Maybe Brooke has no bones. She can put her head on her butt and who does that? Or this?

Chloe says she was close with Brooke, even though Brooke was a teenager and she was just a pipsqueak. Plus, whenever Brooke was dating a boy, it was like he was dating all of them, too. Braaaaaandon! Keeeeevin! Squeeeeee!

Then we talk about how Brooke always gets the boys. She had her first kiss in 8th grade. Or maybe it was sixth. Or maybe was it 4th. Anyway ….

Let’s talk about Paige.

Nia says Paige was the true star of The Last Text, and Chloe adds that she was the person who made the judges and audience get what it was about.

Let’s relive The Last Text. And Jill’s superb long Linda Evans hair.

Chloe says it’s weird not having them around. Now she’ll never get to do all the things she was planning to do with her bestie — have their double wedding and move to L.A. and be neighbors. That’s how they drew it. Chloe was supposed to have pink flowers in the wedding and Paige was supposed to have purple.

Chloe gets teary.

Good grief. Has Kelly cut off all contact between Chloe and her girls? Has Christi? What is actually going on here … because that was heartrending. Someone give Chloe and Paige back their pink and purple double wedding. Right now.

Maddie says the Hylands will always be part of the team and she’s happy they were in their lives. Um, were the Hylands forced to leave Pittsburgh — or Earth — in addition to Dance Moms?

Question #12: Are the moms as nuts as they seem?

Chloe, Maddie and Kendall take this one. It’s the one thing they can all agree on.

Yes. The moms are cray. Montage to back that up. I’ll make my own.

Chloe says Jill in particular cracks her up. Kendall says Jill tries to be a teenager and it does not work out at all. Let’s all do our best “Jill putting on makeup in the car” complete with duckie, selfie faces.

Question #13: Was Kendall surprised that she got on the Dance Track magazine cover?

She was, because Abby was rushing her, so she got fewer pictures than the rest of the girls.

Chloe thinks she looked fierce. Maddie says they all wanted the cover for themselves, but they were happy for her because her picture was so pretty.

Question #14: What are the girls’ all-time favorite dances?

Kendall’s was her Bodies Electric duet with Maddie. Man, that was a good dance. That was a really good dance. They should dance together more often. And it’s kind of cute how Kendall seems to idolize Maddie.

Chloes favorite solo was Dream on a Star, because she loved the dance and the music was magical. That was a really good dance, too. Remember when this show was about dance? At least a little?

Kendall points out that Chloe does a lot of star solos. And they all want to be stars.

Oh haaayyyyyy! It’s Vivi-Anne! Haaaaayyyy, Vivi! I’ve missed you. A lot. Let’s have some awkward interaction with Maddie and Chloe.

Chloe tells Viv that she likes her bow. We find out Viv is now 9. And she’s got cool eyebrows. She cocks one for the ladies in a manner that would do Jack Nicholson — and Asia — proud.

Viv says its fun to have Cathy for her dance teacher because they get to spend time together. Vivi never gets tired of hanging out with Cathy, but likes hanging out with her more as a mom than as her dance teacher.

Let’s reminisce about ice cream with Vivi, during which Cathy angles to make Jalen her son-in-law.

Chloe wants to hear Vivi’s secret. OK. Here goes. Vivi actually does like Jalen. A little.

Question #15: What has been the highlight of dancing thus far for the girls?

Viv says it’s being with Mom.
Maddie says winning nationals last year
Chloe says playing little Lux in the long-ago video.

And with that, school’s out for the summer, Dance Moms nation. I’m going to take some time to see if absence makes my heart grow fond enough to come back for the second half of Season 4 or if Girl Talk is my swan song. But in the meantime, did you enjoy a little Girl Talk? Would you have liked it better if we gathered in the same room as the Mom reunion and let them take live questions from the audience? Weren’t the long-ago dances fun either way? Sound off in the comments section below.