Okay kids, you’ve been good, I promise this will be over quickly. We’ve sat patiently for 5 weeks, through tummy lumps and cat’s ass, through ugly cries and ugly yelling and now we’re at episode 6, where either Tori and Dean come to a resolution, or like the Spelling that she is, gives us the dreaded “to be continued…”
Grab your booze, we’re heading in…
Tori is having more beautiful pictures taken. Her photographer is amazing. She deserves her own show.
I’ve watched all of the love stories, I’ve watched all of the movies,” Tori still wants the fairytale. Didn’t she watch any of her dad’s shows? There was a lot of bed-hopping on Melrose Place.
Saturday, May 3. Tori and Dean’s house.
Dean is chewing his cud like an old man. Tori wants to remember this terrific time in her life by having a photo shoot. Having pictures of the time your husband cheated on you is almost as awesome a revenge as Kobe Bryant’s wife’s infidelity diamond. Bet you forgot about that, right?
Liam isn’t into posing for pictures. He says everyone is stressing him out. He’s a cutie, but that Kate Gosselin, circa 2007 hair isn’t giving him an ego boost. Get a buzz bro! Sweet Finn is just the ticket to get his reluctant brother in the photos. He went pointed into the room and said “want.”
Saturday, 6:13pm. Jess and Wolf are over for dinner to give advice on his dilemma on leaving for Chopped Canada in a week.
Tori, “There’s the right thing to do, and there’s what I want.”
Tori is bummed that Mystery Girls and her needs are falling second to Dean’s wants and needs.
Wolf is upset at the situation because Dean f-d up everything and is frustrated that Dean isn’t doing his best to protect his relationship with Liam. Wolf is so upset that he flees the dinner table. I like Wolf, even his name. It’s nie to see a guy take Dean to task for being a scummy husband and a semi-checked out dad.
Hattie is getting a doll-sized bed in Liam and Stella’s room. Why are three children forced to share one room? Didn’t they just take family pictures in a room that was empty save for a wrought iron bed? Can’t one of the masses move into there. This isn’t third-class steerage on the Titanic, or the Duggar’s house.
Tori and Dean’s retreat to their child-free haven in short-lived. Before too long, tiny hands come a-tapping.
“This was the best three minutes of my life…”
Tori’s house 4:53pm, I’m guessing Sunday?
Tori and Dean are heading out to dinner to celebrate their 8th anniversary. Tori is pretty in a black maxi-dress, Dean looks like a scum-ball in another plaid button-down.
At dinner, (shockingly no paparazzi!) Tori and Dean talk about their anniversary and Tori reveals that Dean gets her a ring every year for their anniversary. Tori doesn’t want a ring that year, for not only financial reasons. “Our dream was in 50 years, I’ll have a great collection of 50 wedding bands to share with our girls. I would hate for one to be missing.” She gives Dean a budget of $40 to buy a ring. I guess if my mom wanted to share her ring collection, I wouldn’t say no, but which kid is going to fight over the $40 infidelity ring?
Tori still doesn’t want Dean to leave for Chopped Canada.
“I don’t want to go, but I think we both know I have to.” Tori’s face is priceless. I’ll see if I can get a screen grab tomorrow.
Tori doesn’t know how their marriage will work if he leaves.
Dean is scheduled to leave in 4 days for Chopped Canada. Dean has a tea party for the kids. Dean knows the best think to talk about at any proper tea party is the kid-approved topic of poop. it’s good to see those kids acting like kids and not hearing Mommy and Daddy drama. And then Hattie grinds her cookie into the floor and the party is pretty much over.
Jess, Kate, Tori and Courtney are dining at Burger Lounge, while a single paparazzo snaps away. It’s good to see Tori eat. Courtney has a super awkward reality-TV transition.
Tori, “I hate when there’s herbs on my fries. When I was younger, I was afraid that I’d get food in my teeth and no one would tell me and if my fries came with herbs on them, I’d freak out.”
Courtney “So how are you?”
So smooth Courtney.
Ad Tori recants a delightful tale in which a paparazzo yells at Dean for being unfaithful “ He says, at least I didn’t cheat on my wife.” She laughs. More of said, Paparazzi show up and happily snap pictures of Tori’s back. When Tori says that Dean still isn’t sure if he’s leaving for Chopped in faw days, Kate rolls her eyes with such disgust that I’m sure she’s about to barf her over-priced free-range turkey burger.
Kate wants Tori to have Dean sign a legal document saying he won’t cheat on Tori or drink alcohol ever again. Because nothing curbs infidelity like things that are legally binding, says no one who has ever been married and cheated on.
Tori, “Should I make him get a tattoo?” Kate “Yes!” it didn’t stop him before, he has a tattoo near his thing that says “tori’s.” Kate “On his penis?!?!?!??!?!?!” (like this information means today is Christmas in Kate-land) Tori: “Above it, it’s above the pubis.” Oh Kate, you are the ugly, stupid friend. That’s why we love you. You ask about Dean’s cootie-infested penis with unadulterated glee.
“Dean gets to do whatever dean wants to do, whenever Dean wants to do it.”
Wednesday, Dr. Wexler’s office.
Dr. Wexler has another impeccable blow-out. Tori is wearing a shirt that she was shopping for in episode 5.
“Had you not filmed all of this, I actually don’t think you would have found your voice.”
Tori is still blah-blah, I don’t want Dean to leave for another 2 ½ months. Dean wants to prove that he can hold up his end of the bargain.
Dean, “I have to leave for work.”
Dr. Wexler “What if Liam says, ‘why? Aren’t I more important than this show?’” Dr. Wexler loves low blows.
This is a problem that has no solution.
Today, Dean is wearing a shirt that I also own. I got mine at Talbot’s. Maybe I’ll wear mine tomorrow in honor of Dean.
I applaud both of them for having jobs, but who schedules their gigs? Didn’t they each know that there was the potential for conflict even before the cheating?
After the therapy session, Tori doesn’t’ think that Dean should go. Dean texts his manager about leaving the show but he will face a $5 million dollar lawsuit. Tori is still unsatisfied. (and wearing a different shirt than earlier). Then Tori is wearing her original shirt. When were these conversations?!?!? Is Tori changing clothes mid-conversation? I’m so confused…
Friday morning. Dean is scheduled to leave for Chopped Canada tomorrow. You know, the day before Mother’s Day. Because Dean is an a-hole.
Dean, “I can’t go.” Dena borrowed his hat for the closet of Jason Mraz. “I don’t want to leave you right now. I don’t want to leave the kids right now.”
Tori magnanimously decides to let Dean go.
We can’t let one huge mistake define us.” I’m sure Chopped Canada loves hearing how non-committal Dean is to their show.
Saturday morning, Deans flight leaves in 2 hours. And they are still at home. Are they unaware how long it takes to get to LAX? It took my 45 minutes to get to LAX from WeHo last Tuesday morning at 6am. Drive fast Dean. I wonder if he got his night-before intimacy. At the airport, they double park and unload the kids so the paparazzi can get pictures of Dean leaving.
While Tori and Dean make out on the curb, the kids run into traffic, climb onto the cargo belt, and join other families. Just kidding, but they are unattended for several minutes as traffic whizzes by. Parents of the year. And Dean leaves. Tori somehow still wishes that he had a change of heart at the last second. Why isn’t she bringing up that tomorrow was Mother’s Day.
Oh Holy Hell, next week there’s another episode? A reunion episode!?! This was supposed to be the end! I’m gonna need more beer.