Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.
In Season 2, Episode 15 of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, “Sink or Swim” (July 17), a snow storm threatens the Browns’ first hauling job on the Integrity. Noah goes on a second date with Christi.
Alaskan Bush People Season 1 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | The Wild Life
Season 2 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Wild Times | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | SHARK WEEK! | Episode 15 | Episode 16 | Lost Footage | The Wild Year
The Browns are taking their first hauling job with the Integrity, carrying four drums of fuel 11 miles to a cabin in Nika Bay. This would be the pro bono job Hoonah Mayor Kenny Skaflestad hooked them up with in last week’s episode. Billy hopes this small job will result in good word of mouth from some guy in a cabin 11 miles away. Billy’s staking his entire reputation on this small job for some guy in a cabin 11 miles away who must have 632,000 Facebook friends or something. Nika Bay is too shallow for the Integrity, so they’ll have to employ The Skiff to haul the drums the last mile.
Back at Brownton Abbey, Noah built a writing desk out of scrap lumber and is using a wheelchair from the dump as an office chair. Here, he longs and pines for Christi, fair bespectacled maiden of Hoonah. He writes poems and fancies himself the Elizabeth Barrett Browning of Browntown.
Ami pays Noah a visit to discuss the possibilities of his planting Browntown seed in Christi. “If you say the words ‘grandbabies,’ I’m walking out,” says Noah, expressing the thoughts of everybody watching this damn show. “Not only is she beautiful, but I’ve never met an intellect to match my own,” Noah says. Noah’s always been weird, but this is the first time I thought that he’s just a self-absorbed, conceited narcissist (or he plays one on TV). Noah can’t remember what he and Christi talked about on their first date (STUPID FRIGGIN’ DANDELIONS!) but he knows she’s The One for him. Ami asks Noah if he’ll “bring her out and show her Browntown.” Must … resist … dirty … joke …
Back on the water, the Browns are hoisting the fuel drums from the Integrity into The Skiff. The whole operation is like a monkey humping a football. First, like I noted last week, there is no way those barrels weigh 600 pounds each. Just no friggin’ weigh way. A 55 gallon drum of diesel weighs, depending on temperature and other factors, about 400 pounds. Look closely at the barrels, and it appears as if there is practically nothing in them. There is barely any tension on the ropes when they hoist the barrels. This is all just smoke and mirrors.
It’s also very tedious and boring, so Billy decides that they need to pick up the pace and transport two barrels at once in The Skiff. There’s a knot in the rope and the hoist doesn’t work. Bam takes a drum to the shin, which probably would’ve done much more damage had it really been filled with 600 pounds. Matt’s likely going to get crushed and end up at the bottom of the bay with The Skiff. Bear thinks it would be AWESOME and EXXXXXTREME to climb down the rope and on top of the barrel to die in the same manner as his elder brother. But the Browns pull a Homer.
The Skiff is loaded with two drums and about four Browns. (Seafaring friends: Could a boat that size actually carry 1,200 pounds and four people?) The “wind” is picking up, the water is getting “rougher” and the snow is making for zero visibility. Matt says he can’t see 2 feet in front of him, yet the camera sees everything just fine. Matt’s on the bow spotting imaginary rocks, and Bam gets all huffy about people shifting their weight. If they hit a rock, Gabe says they’d be up the creek without a paddle. “No, we’d be in the creek without a boat,” Bam replies. ZING! +1 for Bam! There’s some more silly manufactured drama to eat up time before The Skiff returns safely to the Integrity.
In Hoonah, Noah and Christi go to the Misty Bay Lodge (is there anyplace else?) for milkshakes. Noah goes for the gusto and asks Christi to meet his mom at the dock where the family is cleaning out the Lorcan. Of course Ami’s toothless gums flap uncontrollably and she creeps Christi out with talk of the grandbabies crap. They should call Ami “Trojan” because she is 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy. HEY-YO! Christi tolerates Ami and doesn’t flee in terror.
Some weeks have passed. Billy bartered the Lorcan to some poor bastard in exchange for a ton of building materials — another lopsided barter for the Browns, BOO-YAH! — to make upgrades to the Integrity.
Back at Brownton Abbey, Billy pays Noah a visit in his tent. Noah tells Billy that Christi is gone for good and will not be participating in the Browntown Propagation Project. “I just wasn’t enough, I guess, so she decided to go ahead and head off to college,” Noah whines. You mean she wanted to pursue knowledge and a career instead of spending the remainder of her life as Ami Brown’s grandbaby factory? Silly girl.
“The only heart I’m going to have is the one on my shelf,” Noah tells Billy. Noah means this literally. He has deer hearts in jars on his shelf. “OK, that’s just creepy,” Billy says, uttering the first bit of truth he’s said in this entire series. This would creep me out too if it weren’t all fake. So why, pray tell, does Noah have deer hearts on his shelves? “‘Cause I’m doing experiments with it,” he says, “but I guess in a way that could be a metaphor, that after my breakup with Christi, that I’ve put my heart in a jar and set it on a shelf, that way it can’t get broken again.”
Noah tells Billy that he hasn’t given up hope finding The One. “I just hope I don’t have to genetically create her,” he says. Someone needs to send this kid a DVD of Weird Science. He wrote a poem for Christi. He called it “Christi’s Poem,” because “Forget Not Yet: The Lover Beseecheth His Mistress Not To Forget His Steadfast Faith And True Intent” was already taken. And here we go:
“Christi’s Poem”
Love is fleeting, love is fleeting.
I loved and then she’s leaving.
Why is love so ever oh so fleeting?
Where does lie its meaning?
I loved her with all my heart,
Did all she asked.
I loved and she began fleeting,
And there lies love’s true meaning.
[Digression! I earned a B.A. in English (stop laughing!). I studied literature, mostly early 20th century British modernism. I tried to write a few poems, realized they were all horrible, and I stopped. I don’t ever recall trying to rhyme “fleeting” with “fleeting.” I like what what Noah did in the last line, with the nice juxtaposition of “lies” and “true,” whether he intended it or not. There’s your literary criticism digression for today.]
Billy dry docks the Integrity for extensive repairs. Billy’s sunk (pun intended) lots of cash into this boat, and he’s desperate to start making some of it back. He approaches Paul, who’s like the king of hauling freight in Hoonah. Billy says he’s willing to take on the garbage jobs that Paul wouldn’t touch with a 25-foot pole. “I do appreciate Billy’s honesty,” Paul says. “He doesn’t seem to be portraying himself as something he’s not.”
Paul is going to inspect Billy’s boat before he lets Billy do any business for him. Immediately Paul sees something vulnerable with Billy’s keel cooler. The Integrity also has no deck space, the picking boom has no hydraulic or electric winch, and it has no tie downs for securing cargo. But Paul doesn’t want to look like a jerk on national cable TV, so he gives Billy the thumbs up.
“I feel like the weight of the world just got lifted off my shoulders,” Billy says. That weight certainly wasn’t lifted by an electric or hydraulic winch.
Billy discovers some cracks in the Integrity‘s hull that may have been caused by the dry docking. They’re not just cracks, though. There’s a 4- or 5-foot-long section of rotted wood on the hull. “I may have bought an old rotten boat,” Billy says. “An old, rotted, stinking sinker.”
Well its great that we can direct and film stupid. I think they deserve every $ that is paid because its hard to find 9 people that will allow to be portrayed as bush people however have you noticed how clean shaved most are and clean clothing. Now where do these folks use the head oh that’s right that is they are called bush people lol! 🙂
On the episode where their trying to start their hauling business and their hauling I think 4 drums of fuel, come on man and atleast do everything you can to make it look real. Because it’s odvious that the drums are empty. Don’t get me wrong I love the show. I never miss an episode. But when the drums are hanging it’s to tell that they are empty. Also when the 2 drums were in the skiff you can tell that by the way the skiff.is sitting in the water that their empty. But I still love the show. But come on fella’s atleast make it look real.
W. Hand out
If anyone wants to know about real life in the Alaska bush read about Dick Proenneke. He built the best bush cabin in history. Today it is still as he first built it. It is also a national treasure. What they don’t tell you is that Dick homesteaded his place for 10 years and then Jimmy Carter made it a national park and the government tried to take his homestead away from him. Mary Alsworth and some really bush people got behind him and the government backed off.
these people get paid $10,000 an episode to make the rest of us figure out all the stupid things in the show. Why don’t they ever tell that on the show? Did you ever wonder how Noah had money for the milk shakes, they also seen to have money for gas, etc.? Maybe if Noah told Christi that he made that kind of money she might have hung around.
I must say that I find this blog even more entertaining and much funnier than the Brown Clan.
Going back a little here but,
leaving modern society for the bush and going back to junk yards to retrieve as much of it as possible is funny though. Then at $10,000 a show doing the bartering bit and chasing a deer to keep from starving to death . Gotta love being scared to death in the dark and foggy ocean with a huge escort boat within 30 yards . Eh anyway fake can still be entertaining and I suppose that’s the general idea . Can’t wait to see how ole Billy fixes his rotting stinkin sinker . I’m guessing maybe Noah will invent some super duper glue from one of those deer hearts he’s savin for a Rainy
Deyee. Accent attempted … Booyah
Well, this is a Gilligan’s Island remake, and Professor Noah never was able to fix the Minnow.
you got it! But the professor on Gilligan’s Island was much better looking and he was a lot smarter.
You are right, this blog is hilarious.
“Christi’s New Poem”
Love is fleeting, love is fleeting.
I loved and then she’s leaving.
Is it because I cannot offer central heating?
Why is love so ever oh so fleeting?
‘Cause of the dear hearts ‘n my room not beating? (see what I did there?)
Where does lie its meaning?
From my mom intervening?
I loved her with all my heart,
Isn’t two dates more than a start?
Did all she asked.
She preferred a solo blast.
I loved and she began fleeting,
In my bleating lies love’s true meaning.
Dedicated to Ryan Berenz and the commenters, the funniest people I ever knew – a poem as bad as the show.
“I guess I will go back to being alone in my tent and beating…”
Well done Mitt Zombie, this poem just went from average to Noah level quality.
I am the Skiff and I have a stern warning! Never gets old.
Please, please, please, god, let “Kenny from the Dump” be on next weeks season finale.
OMG……just spit out my drink laughing.
Mitt Zombie: I love your sense of humor…..”its almost like they live in HOONAH”.
Jack, great poem.Ryan, between your recap and the comments I laughed and laughed. Having been sucked into Brown Clown world in season one, then spit back out by the ridiculousness, I am familiar with all the characters and that increases my enjoyment of your recaps even more. Why waste time watching the show when your recaps come directly to my e-mail.Thank you Ryan great job.The Skiff-the most interesting boat in Alaska.
You know the skiff really is the most interesting boat in Alaska. If you look close at the crop on the side of the hull ( that’s that little bulge where the hull changes from side to bottom) even when loaded with 2 barrels and 3 browns ( about 1650 pounds) it doesn’t settle any deeper
than when there are no barrels. The skiff defies the laws of physics. Good job skiff.
SO what is going on with the timeline?
A couple episodes ago “winter is coming fast” they need a deer to survive. Then it seems to be summer and Christi is going off to college. They said 3 weeks passed last week and then Noah was dating for about a month, that should make it the middle of winter.
I guess they passed off the spring as the fall and now they are showing the summer? But in either case the family has done absolutely nothing for months. 1 Hauling job they did for free and no work on their camp.
Mit they said they had 1 day left in deer hunting season when they supposedly took that deer. That makes it Dec.
30th. The season is Aug. 1 to Sept. 1 for bucks and Sept. 1 to Dec. 31 for all deer. They also said it would be 6 months till they could take another deer. Simple math makes that 7 months the end of July till they can hunt again. After butchering a good size deer will give them about 35 pounds of meet.
Hey Ryan! Loved your recap to the max ! The SKIFF now has a full blown personality of his own…..LOL…..”I’m the SKIFF and I’ve seen some stuff, man”. Couldn’t stop laughing. And then…..must….resist….dirty…..joke……I have read and reread this recap because it is so hilarious.
It seems like so many people noticed the fact that the barrels were empty. I couldn’t tell the difference since I am a novice at such things. However…..I observed something else. Noah has referred to himself several times over the past episodes as being the “Da Vinci” of his generation. At one point I made a statement in a post in a discussion group that for someone who referred to himself as the DaVinci of his generation it didn’t appear that he knew much about the man. I brought up the fact that DaVinci wrote backwards, from right to left. A sample of a letter that Noah had written to his girlfriend showed no such talent. I then brought up the fact that not only was Davinci the greatest artist of our time but was also quite a scientist as well, performing (illegally, I might add) disections on cadavers to learn more about the human anatomy. Much to my surprise (which should not have been because this has happened to us a multitude of times) Noah brings up the fact to his mother that he has been performing “experiments” on deer hearts that he had stored in jars above his desk. I keep saying that DC should list us in the credits because we have given them many a story line. The only “real” thing I caught in the entire episode was that Noah felt genuinely hurt that things had not worked out between him and his girlfriend. She had decided that she would prefer to go to college and seek a degree instead of hooking up with Noah and live the life of a nomad. Noah is stuck in the chivalry of the 15th century dating game. Here in the 21st century women are much more interested in self enhancement. The look on the young lady’s face when Ami asked her if she was interested in having children was priceless. She answered that, basically, in as much as she would like to have children…..some day…..it was not on her list of priorities at the moment. Nice try Ami. At this rate she might have better luck asking THE SKIFF if he would like to give her some grand “skiff” babies.
Christi went to Hoonah University, pretty sure she is just blowing him off.
I seem to remember that in the episode divide and conquer that Matt and bam killed the dear and we’re field dressing it. All without getting any blood on there hands that Matt said he eats all the dear hearts and livers.
If granny Brown gives every girl the boys date that grand baby stare down treatment
there won’t be any baby Browns.
Well that and squatting on public land, living in a tent with hearts in jars with a family of people that never work. Having kids to get more welfare checks and so Billy can use them as an excuse to get handouts from people. Kids that will be slightly malnourished and lack proper healthcare and education. Not having any friends, culture and little entertainment besides Gabe’s terrible Connery impressions.
Well there’s that too.
There is no way in hell those barrels weighed 600 lbs!
They did, 675 pounds when Bear jumped on them.
This was the worst episode in the entire series (I know others may have their own worst of picks).
At this point, do you think we are enablers for watching and talking about this sorry show?
Oh, man. We’ve been enabling this show from the beginning. I’m guessing that two-thirds of the viewership watches ABP because it’s ridiculous and bad and they hate it. You might like this thing I wrote about “hate-watching”: https://www.staytunedmag.com/2015/06/24/hate-watching-haters-gonna-watch/
Your poem is marvelous. Your insight is even better. Thank you, Jack!
Your welcome Ryan and thank you for the great recaps. My son and I can’t stop laughing.
Too funny tonight!
I have to agree tonight took the cake with the boat and the huge holes in it.
Who the hell buys a boat w/out taking it out of the water.
5,000 for that piece of crap.
Billy Brown is really stoned or just dumb.
That Travis who sold Billy (his best friend) that boat knew where he could
find Alaska’s biggest sucker.
I never saw a wood boat get patched so quick and ready to haul crap.
Goats, gym mats and wood and some piece of old rusted half of a car.
Brown spirt is hey that’s going to make us have enough for fuel money and
then we can be drained again.
Now those empty old oil drums, OMG!!!
Just a little about me I know about boats.
First off life jackets are rule one. You will end up with a huge fine.
On the weekends I grew up on a 52 ft big boat in Michigan.
All I can say is my dad would have had my brothers neck if he even
tried to put a real barrel full of confetti onto our dingy.
What did we use our dingy for water skiing, taking food to the beach.
Normal things a dingy is used for or an escape if something goes very wrong.
I can believe this family is facing major fines and in trouble with the law.
I just want to have a seat in the courtroom when they do go to court.
Who is going to be put in jail?
I guess Brown town will be torn apart again by bears.
Bears love a battery, make shift hot tubes, and crap showers.
Did Mr. Bear use the hot tub and drink a Budweiser.
The bears I have heard about just go through windows to get to food.
Food is kept in a house. Bears go for food not plastic.
Oh wait the Browns don’t really live in the house they built.
Mr. Bear would have climbed right through that perfect cut piece of glass for a window they have.
Note also none of them looked for bear tracks or bear poo or foot prints.
Wake up Brown family it’s another day in the bush.
Hurry we have to get down to that house in the woods to shoot for another segment.
That’s a take people.
Kimberly
Who else wondered what kind of “experiments” Noah was doing on a heart in a jar? After he ranted about how “electricity is life” I would guess he was trying to pull a Dr. Frankenstein and shock them back to life, what girl could resist that?
Noah saying “I’ve never met an intellect to match my own,” basically calls his family a bunch of idiots, so that was funny.
The Barrels were shown kind of bouncing at one point, clearly empty.
It was hilarious that the boys were lost in the “blizzard” for a long time yet the shore and house were clearly visible from the Integrity and it was totally clear out when they were leaving.
Billy has to be the dumbest man in the world. His business plan is to beg for work from a guy when there is no market for it otherwise. He used more fuel than he delivered and would have had to charge well over a grand to make any money on the delivery of less than that in oil, of course he did it for free anyway for that Bush marketing plan.
Hilarious again that he needed a giant pig of a boat to deliver oil, then ends up using the skiff to finish the job! If the skiff could hold 2 barrels the Lorcan could hold 4. Not to mention his boys got those 600 pound barrels to shore some how.
Funny how the family keeps taking trips to Hoonah, like for Noah’s dates, when their only boat is elsewhere, its almost like they Live in Hoonah,,,,,,
We sit around the computer on the night shift waiting for this blog.
(Half of us want to throw things at the tv, the other half like to crank up the first half.)
Needless to say we find a couple of quotes to repeat all night long, laughing like idiots every time!
This makes me happy in so many ways. Thanks!
I truly love these people. I could not live like they do. I wish my family was close. I wish they were caring like them. I enjoy this show. I do hope little Ami gets her teeth fixed. Snow Bird too. They are unique. I wish they were on more. 10 episodes is not enough.
Well according to the show Ami had 12 teeth pulled one episode, and was missing about half of that before that. That would leave her with about 4 teeth in her mouth.
OMG I love this blog, your recaps are hilarious! I really was laughing out loud! Also, thank you Jack Evans for your poem! It’s perfect!
Aw, thanks so much!
He knows everything about fixn and drivn boats……i just want to hack that nasty lookn mustache off his face
at least cut it even with his chin
Knows everything about boats, (30 yrs), and takes the boat right into jagged rocks.
Then everyone has to jump into action cuz of his dopeyness.
Maybe it will get stuck in a chainsaw or something.
They can braid it into rope for the Integrity’s picking boom.
Ahh Bush rope, weave in a little Dental floss and it will haul anything,
Ha ha ha LMAO…..”hack that nasty………face”
Plus his son has an eye injury and is rushing to the doctor HIMSELF…….while his LOVING parents stand and watch him run to find help, they don’t give a shite.
What happened to family sticking together?????
The funniest thing ever is when billy the cry baby rips a giant hole in the comically named integrity
Wow the barrel seen defies explanation. So like Noah I will right a poem.
Oh Billy say it ain’t so while unloading the barrels it started to snow. While the barrel was lowered to the skiff below a knot in the line held up the whole show. What would they do it was over it seemed till Bear saved the day with an act of extreme. Without any fear for himself or his hand he jumped on the barrel like a raving mad man. And low and behold the barrel was free for there was no weight on the line cause the barrel was empty. Now they sped to the shore in the face of a gale for family and honor they just could not fail. Bam yelled out orders the wind howled and moaned if they fell in the water without life jackets they’d drown. But they made it to shore and delivered the load now the legend would spread of Bill and sons hauling service. Sorry…
30 years at sea my *%#$ ever hear of a fog horn. He is lucky all his sons aren’t dead or horribly maimed.
A 16 foot Lund alaskan skiff has a capacity of 1400 lbs including the motor. Perhaps Billy can barter a dead dear and a bucket of fish for some new hull planks. You know the coast guard would have done a free inspection of the Integrity before he bought it.
He don’t need no dam Coast Guard…He has 30 yrs. experience drivin and fixin boats…..ha ha ha