Go Here For All Of Your Fish-Punching Alaskan Bush People Needs!
Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.
“If they can stay alive. It will be the biggest summer of their lives,” says our dear narrator.
No, he’s not talking about some new teen slasher movie. He’s talking about Season 3 of Alaskan Bush People, premiering on Discovery Channel Wednesday, Nov. 11, with “Block and Tackle,” which disappointingly has nothing to do with football.
But it has everything to do with summertime in Southeast Alaska. The Brown kids while away the days in flights of fancy, playing a game called “It,” which disappointingly has nothing to do with terrifying clowns. It is a really EXXXTREME version of tag in which you run around until you pass out from exhaustion or fall and strike your head on something. Either way, someone always ends up unconscious.
While the Brown kids frolic about happy-go-lucky, elsewhere the grim spectre of doom hangs over Brownton Abbey. It’s time for one of those intimate talks between Billy and Ami. They discuss issues of mortality and how they want their kids to carry on their TV series after they’re gone. “I admit we’re getting older every year,” Billy says, finally understanding how time works.
Meanwhile, all the Brown boys are involved in their solo side projects that in no way will cause the band to break up. Matt is forging a sword that looks more like a fireplace poker, but whatever. Good for Matt. Brownton Abbey has already advanced to the Bronze Age. Bear wants to build a treehouse, because AWESOME! EXXXTREME! TREEHOUSE! Noah’s workshop of horrors is growing ever more sophisticated.
WTF is that on Noah’s head, you ask? That’s Noah’s Retractable Magnification Monacle (RMM). It’s a headlamp attached to a bunch of reading glasses that he calls a “wearable microscope.” Now, surely at some point in your life you’ve put on the eyeglasses of some very nearsighted schmuck like me just to see what it looks like and nearly puked from the instant nausea it caused. Now imagine putting this contraption on your head and looking through it. “It seemed to smoke a little bit for some reason,” Noah tells Matt. Maybe try looking directly into the sun with it on and see if that helps.
The Browns are discovering that all of this technological progress has a cost. The Brown boys are now competing for space and resources, and some greedy bastard has mooched all the lumber. Billy calls together a special assembly of Brownton Abbey representatives to deliberate which projects are most deserving of lumber and should take priority. Of course, each representative wants priority for their constituency. Matt wants to build a summer house, because he’s an idiot, and the rest of the family tells him as much. You can see the fractures forming in the halls of power at Brownton Abbey. And so the ground is set for the great Civil War of Chicago Bears Island.
Billy decides the family must acquire more lumber. Lumber Guy Rick, the easiest pushover in the history of the barter system, is all the way back up in Chitina, so he’s useless.
It’s decided that the Browns will drop a tree all up in here and take the logs by boat to be milled 60 miles north at Excursion Inlet, where Billy knows a guy who will let them use an Alaskan Mill to saw the logs into boards. Billy’s plan is to cut the tree and transport it to the water while the tide is high, Blondie-style. [Update: Why didn’t the Browns just rent or borrow an Alaskan Mill to use at home? ¯_(ツ)_/¯ ]
The Browns start clearing a landing spot for the tree to fall on log rollers. They haphazardly whack away at the brush and I wonder if one of them is going to get dismembered. “Some people prefer machetes and axes. I prefer, actually, my sword,” Noah says. “Because it is a tool, it’s just a ninja’s tool. Not to mention it looks really cool.” Sure, it’s all cool until someone gets impaled. You know, I think Matt forged a sword to defend himself against possible Noah aggression. There is now a Sword Race in Brownton Abbey. The plot thickens!
Gabe pulls chainsaw duty. Billy would do it, but, you know, that would be work. Gabe drops the tree as gently as one would drop a grandbaby in a bassinet. Now to move the damn thing. They rig up a block and tackle system with pulleys and move the log some distance. But the tide rolls out and the Browns have to go to plan B, which is to tie the log up to the Integrity and drag it to the water. After cutting the log into manageable lengths, the plan works and the Browns tie all the logs together in the water and call it a day.
The following morning, it’s time to haul the wood to Excursion Inlet. All goes well until Billy loses throttle control of the boat. (Did you have Mystery Boat Malfunction on your Alaskan Bush People bingo card?) The Browns tied up the logs in a raft formation instead of an end-to-end train formation, and the extra drag was stressing out the Integrity. The problem gets fixed. Matt and Bam bicker. Circle of Life.
In a delightful little comic interlude, Matt uses axle grease as a shaving lubricant. Take note, good people of Barbasol. But you see below that Matt looks pretty clean shaven already. So this is just idiocy for the sake of idiocy.
The Integrity arrives at Excursion, and the saw mill guy helps get the logs ashore with machinery, because there’s no way in hell he’s staying late at work waiting for the Browns to do it the Brown Way. We get to see the Alaskan Mill in action, and the Browns cut some nice-looking planks from the logs.
And then tragedy struck. Back on the Integrity, Ami is in severe pain. It seems to be her back, which is alternating between a tightening vise pain and a burning sensation pain. Billy examines her with his vast knowledge of Bush Chiropractics and diagnoses that her back is swollen down to the spine. This will require a trip to the hospital in Juneau. Dadgumit, woman! Always falling ill when there’s work to be done!
It’s decided that Bam, Gabe, Matt and Bear will remain in Excursion to do some salmon fishing while the rest of the family goes along to take Ami on a whale-watching boat tour. Yay! Whales! 🐳 And then there’s that scenic bus ride from the dock in Juneau to the hospital, which gives us this gem:
Yes! Exactly what everyone wants to hear from the person sitting behind them on the bus! Anyhoo, Ami gets checked into the hospital and gets all loaded up with pain meds and muscle relaxants. The perfect end to the perfect day. [Update: Based on what we see onscreen, I’m now doubting that they’re actually in the hospital.]
After much incompetence and bickering and nets getting caught in The Skiff’s motor, the boys back in Excursion score a nice haul of salmon. Many fish are punched and bludgeoned to death with rocks. Here, Gabe samples some Bush Sushi, which I call Bushi™!
Before Billy left, he told the boys to remain in Excursion until he contacted them. And Billy was never seen or heard from again.
The end.
“‘I admit we’re getting older every year,’ Billy says, finally understanding how time works.” “You can see the fractures forming in the halls of power at Brownton Abbey. And so the ground is set for the great Civil War of Chicago Bears Island.”
Great recap! I always get hearing what you had to say about this week’s episode’s ridiculousness 🙂
If you hate the show so much, and talk crap about it….why are you still watching it? And spending so much time posting about it. Sounds to me like you secretly are envious. Of I dont like a show, I sure as hack don’t watch every week, and spend time talking about to ppl I don’t know….js
Why do you come on a site that is a satirical lampooning of this show and are completely FLABBERGASTED that we aren’t all big fans of this show and eating it up? This show is such complete and utter rubbish that it is impossible not to laugh at the train wreck that it is. The production company quit even trying two season ago about making it even believable. Do you go to PETA’s site and just can’t understand why they aren’t talking about the latest and greatest in animal testing and how great it is? Does Mr. Berenz write in a style that would make it seem that he running the Alaskan Bush People fan club here (if you are Ryan you have really pulled one over on me and we are totally not friends anymore)? The media, the locals, even Billy’s own words have confirmed that this is a steaming pile of you know what. If you choose to believe this show and love it, more power to you. Enjoy the show by all means. If anybody wants to watch the show just to laugh at the sheer stupidity then they completely have their right to do so and I am missing why it would be any of your concern. Also if you have noticed in my postings, I don’t watch the show. I just have fun reading hilarious recaps of it and swapping posts with people.
Ha! We’re still simpatico, David. I’m not writing about a bad show because I’m a hateful person with nothing better to do. Full disclosure: Someone actually pays me money to do this.
OMG I still have pains in my belly from laughing. So true, so funny. Best recap ever! Now if only I didn’t have to wait til next week to see who’s going to die because the bickering never ends. 😉
I think the Browns are terrible actors but Alaska is perfectly beautiful!!!
I also don’t think they are in a hospital. Not 1 hospital staff was on camera. Mom & Pop walking down a hall and a few outside shots of the medical center. No diagnosis, either. Then the son, can’t remember which, was handing her a pill and saying “This is the mule relaxant. Should kick in soon”. Nurses dispense meds, not your offspring when you’re an inpatient. I was surprised to see Billy helping w the log. He’s usually standing around barking orders and supervising. Any idea how “Ammy” injured herself? Maybe by cranking that dryer?
Ami was definitely in a motel room with the med dispensing. Wooden headboard….yeah those went out of hospitals about the time bacteria was discovered. I’ve been in that hospital. I know what it looks like. She was not there.
I can only say I believe they do stuff knowing that you have nothing better to do than watch a tooth pulled a cold or flu.show them with people who they know . show them eating pizza driving there truck. And real life after shotting stops.people would know longer watch. There are so many shows in Alaska that it not funny. How do people who live near them feel about them ??
I live in Alaska and I can’t say the average person on the street really cares or pays much attention to these shows. In fact I don’t ever remember discussing them with any of my family or friends. It is really crazy the amount of Alaska shows on TV. Seems like it is something around 50% of the Discovery Channel’s prime time lineup. For me it seems like after the big success of the Deadliest Catch (my vote for the best Alaska show) a number of years back things just things exploded after that. I wonder if I added them out how many shows there are now. I would say at least 15-20.
As far as ABP there is no doubt this thing is probably 95% scripted. I mean just the land and their houses are completely staged for the show. Most anybody’s real life isn’t interesting enough to warrant anybody watching on TV. So I completely understand the need to spice things up a bit. This show doesn’t just spice things up though, they make things up better than any fairy tale could.
Can someone tell me who do you think is hurt.. Watching previews about the 3 going hunting and if someone is hurt shoot. There is 3 shots and I am curious as to who its about.
Thanks Donja
I did see that preview. I just heard them talking about they have to shoot to communicate with each other since they have no phones. Then there was some shooting and then mad scrambling and running ensues. I would bet my entire life saving that nothing at all happened and it the usual way over done drama over nothing to try to keep viewers coming back. If somebody got seriously hurt, mauled by a bear or died it would have been reported in the news here in Alaska. I am sure when you watch the show they will run back to camp and go… “Oh, sorry I was just target shooting”. How many of these false cliff hangers have they done in this show… 25? 50? 100? This show isn’t alone in doing it, but ABP seems especially bad. A season or two ago (they all run together like a bad dream at this point) the family sent us off to commercial by scrambling around because, GASP, the girls were missing and might have been mauled by a bear. We come back to them walking into camp after picking flowers or berries. Whew, we can all breathe now. Every commercial break on this show is a, GASP, did somebody die!?!?!? moment.
Also, don’t put too much stock in the Browns shooting. They shoot guns to put a hole in the roof for a chimney, to take down branches, and any other unnecessary reason to shoot a gun. For most people ammo is expensive and they wouldn’t just waste it shooting branches. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a future episode Matt doesn’t shoot their garbage pile 1,000 times with a shotgun and then go… “look Ma, I made a compost pile”.
David, I know you live in Alaska, Up North. Down here in Southeast bush guys are insanely profligate with their ammo. I just did a blog post noting the time my brothers shot the fishing lures that got hung up in trees. (Yes, they’re lunatics, no argument from me.)
My oldest brothers loads his own because it’s cheaper, admittedly. But he doesn’t hesitate to shoot to get someone’s attention when he’s in the skiff. He does load wax into his .22 shells in order to shoot the mice that come into his house. Yes, he’s a barbarian. Totally unscripted.
http://www.alaskaforreal.com
Actually I do agree with you on the ammo. Even up here there isn’t a road sign that isn’t shot up. I think I was understating Alaskans to shoot things. I have still never seen anybody try to shot a hole in the roof for the chimney though.
Yeah, shotgun ammo is plentiful here in Fairbanks. .22 LR on the other hand – well good luck.
Yes, I am in Fairbanks also. I remember years ago .22 ammo was everywhere. Now it is like a rare commodity. Amazing they can’t keep up with demand
My guess would be that useless scarecrow Ami ..
She’s lazy as hell and always fakes injury when work needs to get done !
They should fire her and bring in a decent looking actress with all her teeth
Hey Ryan !! Your recap was at its usual best. Got a big kick out of the Q&A as well. There was another Q&A recently that we participated (we tried, anyway) in. But as par for the course, only “certain” questions were asked…..real important ones like “what is your favorite meal”. Is it me or did you catch a glimpse of “homicidal” thoughts in Bam Bam’s eyes a time or two? LOL
Thanks, Sherry! So glad you’re back! Bam is an intense dude, but if I were stuck in the bush with a Brown, I think I’d want it to be Bam.
Gabe is about the only normal acting human being. Matt would be fun at a party, the girls I will give a pass to. The rest of the Browns are pretty much always annoying.
Good job on the Q & A as I just read it. Way to give it a shot at the real questions. I thought you eased into well and were respectful. There is no way in !@#$ they were going to answer anything controversial or put them in a bad light. Now here is a puff piece of an interview…
http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/11/11/alaskan-bush-people-star-says-big-game-tropy-hunters-are-ridiculous/
Some of my favorite parts were… Billy doesn’t know what a “Bush Heart” is even though he coined the term. Ami doesn’t know exactly how far she lives from town. The question on what they think of other hunters that just take trophy heads (Seriously, could you lob worse open ended questions to them to help paint themselves any better? I think not.). I enjoyed them saying how this all just fell into their lap and how naïve they were getting a reality TV show when their own videos say how they were trying to get a show and a movie over 5 years ago. Bam sitting in the background like the secret service or mafia with the leather and the aviator glasses. The Browns are just the worst interviews as you learn nothing new and they just regurgitate the same old crud from the show over and over.
Man, that’s good stuff. Thanks for the heads up!
Here is some actual news from ABP and the Alaska Court System. A new hearing is now scheduled for November 18th for a “change of plea”. That is this coming Wednesday. Guess this means that some certain bush family is now bargaining for some sort of deal from the state of Alaska. I figured there is no way the Browns wanted this to go to an actual full trial. Billy alone is facing up to a max of 120 years in prison if found guilty on all charges. Alaska doesn’t lose these Permanent Fund Dividend cases because they only prosecute the ones they know they will win. This is long overdue since this was supposed to originally go to trial about a year and a half ago and the Browns kept giving excuses why they couldn’t make it to the courtroom.
Susie the Matchmaker posted something on Facebook that she heard the Browns were moving due to Billy’s health. I wonder if that’s why they’re trying to settle the case. [Just saw your other comment. Of course you’re already on the Susie thing.]
I have not been on this what court case are you talking about?
I feel like I have written on this subject a million times so this is going to be way brief. The Browns are accused of collecting tens of thousands of dollars from the state of Alaska for being residences of the state when they are alleged to have not lived here. The family is facing decades in jail for theft and other serious charges. This goes along with their other hunting and fishing violations because they haven’t been in Alaska long enough to have residence licenses. So to connect the dots, the Browns not only never lived in the bush of Alaska for years as they claim, they were living in Colorado and Texas.
Just Google… “Alaska Bush People PFD” and it will tell you all you want to know
This is a very superficial thing to wonder about, but I was distracted the whole show whenever I saw Birdie because I was wondering what those “things” were in her hair. Isn’t she a little old for hair clips for children? Or were they hair clips? Inquiring minds Ryan….
A little old? A number of episodes back Birdie was playing with Barbie dolls. Matt tries to make forts out of Saran Wrap. Bear climbs tress, rolls in the mud and howls like a wolf. Hair clips might be the most adult thing I have seen on the show.
True David. It was distracting to me because before this season Birdie never seemed to want to try to “glam” it up, unlike Rainy.
Hmmm. There was so little Birdie in this episode, I didn’t even notice that. I think I was distracted by Rainy, Princess of the Dark.
I was trying to figure those out too, it seems like there’s words on the clips, but I couldn’t tell.
You ask a good question, why didn’t they rent or borrow a mill? We borrowed a chainsaw mill to cut the sled logs for my floathouse out here in the bush, and just recently a neighbor in the nearby village, offered us the use of his mill when we needed lumber for several repair projects.
Your recap was logical as well as hilarious, the best combination for tackling blatant fakery. However…I did want to let you know that my oldest brother has been making his own swords for years and has been in several swordfights with other bush lunatics–yes, blood and scars are more often than not the result–culminating in swordplay at my cousin’s Viking wedding at the nearby village where the locals dressed as Vikings. One wedding guest cleverly adorned a stainless steel collander to make an ad hoc Viking helmet.
Also, a kid I went to bush school with used to catch fish off the dock at lunchtime and chew into whatever he jigged up without worrying about dressing it or cooking it.
The Browns, whether everything they do is scripted or not, are actually fairly accurate, it seems.
http://www.alaskaforreal.com
Someone needs to put Tara’s family on TV!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
One of the things that is so blatantly overlooked by the producers on this show is the time, but much more importantly the cost of transportation. Running a boat all over heck burns up fuel. You wouldn’t save anything and probably would lose money dragging heavy logs behind a boat to get them cut to drag them back. Keep in mind the fuel in Alaska is one of the highest in the nation already, but out in these small towns it can get as high as $10 a gallon (milk can get as high as $10 a gallon also in some of the very remote villages). So driving your boat everywhere to get logs, chickens and other assorted stuff would be going backward economically. At high gas prices you would spend more than you were gaining then if they just went to Hoonah and bought this stuff. Keeping this is mind, their so called “transportation” business using the Integrity to haul small loads is nothing but losing money as fast as you can. I am sure in real life it was $500 in fuel to haul those 4 barrels for $80 100 miles and get back home in previous episodes. Also there is all kinds of business licenses, insurance, Coast Guard certification checks and all of the other things REQUIRED by law to operate a marine shipping business that of course the Browns don’t do. So anything these guys do with their small fleet of boats would be expensive to operate and maintain. Ask any boat owner the cost of ownership and they will tell you (What does B.O.A.T. stand for? Bring On Another Thousand. (All boat owners are nodding their head in agreement.)).
If this show even tried to show some sort of reality these so called survivalist would build log cabins which is what all early pioneers did because it is one of the available local resources. But again, they don’t even own the land they are on which is leased to the Discovery channel. But what would I know, I am only typing this in a log cabin in Alaska that is 70 miles from the arctic circle. What did the Browns do for shelter in their so called 30 years of isolation in the wilds of Alaska? These are supposed to be the best of the best of people living off the land yet they have to use a boat to drive many miles to borrow somebodies mill just to make shacks (excuse me, the construction company who builds the dwellings). I don’t watch the show anymore so I am assuming they still start the show with the whole “recently discovered family after 30 years in the bush). AS IF!!!
Funny as @#$$&!/*”! Recap is perfect. Basically what I’m thinking as I watch the show. I can’t imagine how Amy got hurt, she never lifts a finger. Believe me if she was cooking for that crew, Discovery would show that on TV.
Not sure how she was injured either, but when Noah is giving Ami her “medication” she has her arm in a sling. The sling is gone in the next shot.
He got them this far it’s time the men step up & take care of mom & dad.
I really wish you would post this a few more times because we didn’t get the first 3 times you did. Billy and Ami got them this far? And where is this may I ask? Living on land they don’t own, facing years in prison for fraud against the state of Alaska, recent charges for fishing violations, no discernible skills of any kind to make a living of support themselves, still living at home with their parents even though some of them are in their 30’s, no girlfriends or wives to be seen anywhere, and generally running around like 4 year olds on a Mt Dew high yelling a hooting and hollering and building things that any child could (see anything Matt has ever built). Yea, wow, how could they have come this far without Billy and Ami?
As far as Billy not being lazy???? Are you frigging kidding???? No, seriously, have you ever seen this show??? In every season combined I cannot think of one actual physical task he has completed by himself. He either delegates everything to the kids to do for him while he tells them how critically important for their survival the task is, or… he gets sick (as if) and goes back to the hotel in Hoonah.
BTW – great recap Ryan. You are my eyes for this show because there is no way I could watch another second of this travesty myself. I have seen shows drag things out but this takes it to a whole different level. It seems like this would be the best hate watching show ever, but I just stare at the screen blankly and worry about humanity.
So happy you’re back, David! Missed you, man!
I missed being here. I couldn’t stay away. When I kept seeing all of the trailers for ABP I knew it was time for the recaps that I so look forward to.
Bill isn’t lazy,s….both his wife and bill got those kids this far,it’s time they (dad & mom) fall back.stop hating
Billy says that lumber just “won’t materialize”… true, but isn’t it growing all around them? :/
As always, your recaps are the best part of ABP!!
Hi I live in saskatchewan Canada. Can anyone tell me what time this show was on, on the 11 th? We looked at the guide all day and could not find it, desperate.
Hi Joyce, I think this season of Alaskan Bush People will probably air internationally in 2016.
I also have to thank you for leading me to this absolute gem:
https://www.facebook.com/327263602805/photos/a.464859672805.283386.327263602805/327301162805/?type=3&theater
Classic!
I just happened to notice on the site that it said this…
“Women purchase Susie’s AlaskaMen Magazine, and are encouraged to write a letter, to the bachelors they like, with the hope of finding their sweethearts.”
Write a letter? What? I bet 95% of the woman under the age of 30 probably have never written a letter in their life. Time to upgrade there Susie don’t you think? Get an app or something digital and come soar with the rest of us in the 21st centruy.
Wait… I’ve written letters to penpals when I was a kid. Anywho, just thought I’d throw that out there. I appreciate your comments though, it is good to get the authentic Alaska resident’s perspective!
Till she came on the show I had completely forgotten about the Alaskan Men magazine. Thought it was long out of business. It had some notoriety when it started back in 1987 and the very early 90’s but it faded (hello Match.com). Bet Susie being on this show was a gift from the heavens for her. I see now on her official website references to ABP are splashed all over the front page. Ahhhh, the smell of desperation.
That photo on that site looks like a SPOOF photo! Or something straight out of the best years of “Saturday Night Live!”
I saw this little nugget there as well:
“Hi everyone! been traveling and doing some filming. I am getting questions about the Alaskan Bush Family and if I am still forwarding emails to them. I will see if I can find out what is happening to them. I heard that Billy’s sick and they are moving, I heard that as a rumour, not from them. I can understand that, winters can be pretty rough and if someone is sick, even more so.
Sure appreciate all your messages! Susie”
You would think that it was a spoof as the cheesiness is indeed over the top. But I can assure you it isn’t. They make all Alaskan men as these lumberjack types with these total clique background shots of mountains or fishing boats along with holding a hunting dog sometimes. I couldn’t beat the Alaskaness (new word) of the photos if I tried.
Yes Susie, winter here in Alaska can be rough. Especially if you actually live here and not just to film a TV show and then spend your time elsewhere. Imagine how rough it would be for the ABP if they really lived in the wild. Billy is sick? Guess that means some physical work needs to be done (just making fun of their show and not wishing any ill will on Billy). Not sure the bush people even need Susie for forwarding e-mails. They are on Facebook and have various websites. Don’t think sending them e-mails would be that difficult.
I literally laughed out loud reading this! I cannot believe I’m only finding you now. I have some catching up to do, hilarious stuff.
Thanks! Enjoy!
I’m supposed to be working, but eh. Instead I’m hiding behind my monitor laughing. These recaps are FANTASTIC. Not to mention they spare me from watching it myself. You suffer so I don’t have to, thanks! -Maureen
No fair! Get back to work! 🙂
I’ve got recaps to finish! I need uninterrupted time to laugh at things like this from your wife-> “How does he kill the deer? Does he just run up and punch them?” Meh, I’ll get some actual worky-work done tomorrow. IF I finish these all read today, on company time.
Billy Brown is Lazzzy
He isn’t lazy if you think about it bill got them this far,it’s time the men (so call kids) step up and take care of mom and dad.
very funny and all true, millions of people believe that they really live in clown town i mean brown town