Lifetime

Oh you crafty, crafty Lifetime people! You’re finally onto me. You’ve finally figured out that I watch each premiere episode of Dance Moms pen and paper free in order to stay deeply in touch with my own personal moments of elation and revulsion, to track the number of times my husband drapes himself over the back of the sofa, gapemouthed, to watch … and mostly to save my hands for holding a beer and a bowl of ice cream, which just go really well with Dance Moms. Come morning, I return to the online episode to fill in exact quotes, […]

By Lori Acken Follow @ChannelGuideLLA With no advance warning (unless I was still reeling from LaQueefa when it happened) the gang is now — SURPRISE! — on a multi-city tour that begins in Orlando. Well sort of. We’re pretty sure that everybody is physically in the Sunshine State. But, Chloe will not be dancing solo, says Abby Lee, because, while she was happy with last week’s fourth place finish, Christi was not. Christi looks like she’s going to choke. Chloe looks philosophical in an, “Oh well, at least I can just sit on my doopa to lose to Maddie this week” […]

Welcome to the wildly uncomfortable racial-profiling edition of Dance Moms, dance fans. We’ve already done sexually inappropriate and emotionally inappropriate to death, and we did death last week, so heaven knows it’s time for something new to melt our minds. But first the good news. Since the missing kids routine was such a showstopper, today the blackboard pyramid is not a pyramid at all! It’s Maddie at the top (I think she is superglued there), and in a surprise bit  of joie de vivre, Paige, Brooke, Nia AND Chloe all made the second row! On the other hand, poor Vivi-Anne […]

Ok, now I can barely feel my leg for how hard this show is pulling it. (And yet, I watch. And. Yet. I. Watch.) For one, in the first five minutes of this episode, tastefully titled “Dying To Dance,”  Abby Lee referred to her oddly-assembled little group of dancers as “the entire cast.” For two, she’s bumping 8-year-old Maddie into the age 9-11 solo competition category and no one says a thing. Except Christi. Who, if she was really that tweaked, would have tipped off the judges and put a fine, fast end to Chloe’s competition. Unless I’m not understanding this […]

By Lori Acken Follow @ChannelGuideLLA Fresh off of their hooch-ification of Lancaster, PA — in which Abby’s attempt at West Coast jazz/kiddie porn fusion resulted in one male judge taking photos, everyone else taking offense and the dance group taking home nothing but embarrassment — the Dance Moms and Abby Lee are more a-stew than ever. Well, maybe not so much crazy-eyed Kelly, who assessed her 9-year-old daughter in her inappropriate costume and cheerfully warbled, “Showin’ off that sexy little bod!”, thought the shocking “Electricity” dance number was just ginchy, and would happily glue rhinestones on the whole wide world […]

By Lori Acken Follow @ChannelGuideLLA Hellooooooo, fellow members of Dance Mom Faithful For Better Or Worse. DaMoFFBoW, for short. If you’re wondering what we’re in for this week, suffice it to say two things, 1) The name of the episode is “Wildly Inappropriate.” And 2) Christi — she of the “as long as my $16K check is cashed and my kid learns to boogie, let’s drank!” mindset — pronounces Abby’s newest surefire idea for competitive victory “prosti-tots.”