Ryan tells us that 97 1/2 million votes came in for American Idol’s Davids last night. Apparently that smashes the previous record by 20 million votes.
First we go to Mikalah Gordon in Kansas City. She tells me that David Cook rocks. Then we go to Utah and Matt ‘Queso’ Rogers. He’s surrounded by a bunch of blond girls who start an ‘Archuleta’ cheer. Squeal!
Then we move into the first Top 12 group number of the evening. First the contestants from that other Fox show, So You Think You Can Dance, do a rockin’ routine & show the Idols how to move. They’re all in white & singing ‘Get Ready.’ They’re also trying to step-touch out of the way of the people who can actually dance. Janice Dickinson — the world’s first supermodel — is screaming ‘I love you!’ to the group. I hope she means that collectively. I’d rather she yell at them and gesticulate in ways that things need to be blurred out. Good times. Oh, and call the girls ‘my bitches.’ I bet Brooke would love that.
We have a technical glitch of some sort & then someone tosses David Cook out to rock out ‘Hero’ or ‘That Song from SpiderMan’ or ‘Another Crappy Nickelback song.’ Then David Archuleta comes out to join in & take the second verse. It’s so not a song for him. He basically gets regulated to back up David Cook. Really, on a song like this, it’s better that way. Paula’s spastic clapping.
Ryan comes out to discuss the mentors the Davids have had. It’s a cheesy way to introduce the new Mike Myers movie The Love Guru. So in all the rehearsing this week, the guys had to fit in watching the movie. Then they go visit The Guru Pitka. He has spiritual advice for the guys. David Cook needs to shave & Archuleta will get hair in weird & wonderful places. Mike Myers does attempt to shave David Cook. It’s funny enough, if potentially offensive. Really, if you want to enjoy the cheesiness that can be Indian culture, and a western interpretation of it, you need to check out Benny Lava on YouTube.
Ryan almost breaks his neck riding Guru Pitka’s flying carpet. He does this to introduce Syesha. She gets to sing ‘Waiting For You’ with Seal. I imagine Heidi Klum is around their somewhere with their beautiful brood. I half expect her to come on stage in Victoria’s Secret underwear and big angel wings. Instead we just get Syesha in a herringbone dress & no bra.
Jason Castro gets to redeem himself by singing ‘Hallelujah.’ Ryan mentions how difficult it was to interview him. All they had to do was mention Bob Marley. Then he would’ve said ‘I’m thinking Bob Marley!’ That’s good stuff right there. He’s gripping the microphone with two hands. I think he’s a tad nervous.
Ford Commercial — ‘Let the Good Times Roll’ and the theme is outtakes and extra video from all of the shoots of Ford Commercials. It’s cute & feel good.
Ryan’s now standing with the two finalists. He’s there to tell them that the guys each get their own Ford Escape Hybrid cars. Then the girl Idols get to sing ‘She Works Hard For The Money.’ Amanda Overmyer really thinks she’s going to fall, ’cause she can’t stop looking down at the stairs. Several girls ignore the tempo set by the band. They just sing the song the way it sounds in their head. Carly leads us into the ‘Hot Stuff’ portion of the performance. The So You Think You Can Dance contestants are out again & Donna Summer herself is introduced & escorted down the stairs by the Davids. She gets a pink sparkly microphone. She’s singing her new song, ‘Stamp Your Feet.’ It’ll sound better once the Gay Remixing Brigade gets their hands on it. Of course, she has to go into her classic ‘Last Dance.’ Unfortunately, we’ve got about an hour before the last dance of this show. The stage goes disco fabulous. Paula’s up and dancing. I’m hoping she’s seriously taped into her dress. Donna gets Syesha to take a verse — with the sparkly mic & everything.
We get a special duet from Carly Smithson and Michael Johns, supposedly because they got sent home too early. I think it’s because they’re the foreigners in the competition. Michael Johns forgos the ascot. He knows it can’t help him now. Oh, yeah, and they’re singing ‘The Letter.’ Seven of Nine, I mean Jeri Ryan, is in the audience.
Next up is Jimmy Kimmel. He makes a joke about Sanjaya being the valet. Even Sanjaya is in the audience. Why not Danny Noriega, Idol? Jimmy makes another joke about Ryan looking like Chris Sligh without all the manscaping. He introduces Simon’s insults as set to music. It’s cute.
Time to rock out with a medley from the top 6 guys. Michael Johns starts us of with ‘Summer of 69.’ I can’t stand Bryan Adams. It’s so not Jason Castro’s milieu. Then the Davids come out to sing ‘Heaven.’ Blech. At least it’s one they can do equally well on. It’s a ballad, but it’s rockin’ too! Double blech. I just see Bryan Adams pocked face. And, of course, he’s here. From a distance he looks ok. I wonder what he looks like in HD. He’s singing ‘Thought I’d Seen Everything.’ I’m assuming he’s got something coming out soon. Oh, then he goes into ‘I Need Somebody.’ Can he go now? Bo Bice liked it.
Apparently Jordin Sparks wants me to visit the new American Idol Disney theme park. No, but thanks anyway, Jordin!
David Cook then gets the honor of performing ‘Sharp Dressed Man’ with ZZ Top. In keeping with his rocker image, DC has a big old rag hanging off the back of his pants. There is no banter between David and the ZZ Top members. It’s like he was told he needs to stay in his little bubble in the center of the stage & stay away from the band. He replies by doing a goofy move with his legs. Blake Lewis gives a fist to the camera in approval. I see that David has also upgraded the AC on his guitar.
Mikalah Gordon is in Kansas City! My friend Dan must be thrilled. He loved her. Mikalah should really not wear gold dresses that are plastered to her body. The camera cuts away as she does an annoying shimmy.
Graham Nash is singing with Brooke White the classic ‘Teach Your Children Well.’ She can sing it because it’s not about dirty R-rated stuff. They’re both sitting & playing guitar. Brooke is barefoot. This is about as exciting as this gets, folks. There’s video of random children on the screens behind them. Graham Nash at least looked like he wanted to be in the same room as Brooke.
I almost missed the David Cook Guitar Hero commercial. I wasn’t paying attention to ‘Old Time Rock & Roll’ until I glanced up & realized I wasn’t seeing a teenage Tom Cruise. Nope, it was DC in a button-down shirt & undies. Interesting tie-in, Guitar Hero. I wonder how much they paid to do that.
Ryan Seacrest introduces the Jonas Brothers. I think. He has the squealing girls around him do it. The performers all look like teenage boys that used to annoy me to no end when I was a teenager. They’re ok.
Ryan’s got someone’s mom on stage to introduce some of the worst singers from auditions. In case you forgot them. I had forgotten Alexis. She was a whackjob. She’s going to go for actressing. Then the guy who sang ‘Let My People Go’ so badly that even Paula couldn’t keep it together. And the classic — Renaldo of ‘We Are Brothers’ fame. So, of course they had to get Renaldo to come out to sing his original creation in full lame and fur regalia, complete with the USC marching band. It takes his cheeseball song to a whole new level. Once again, Paula comes out to do some interpretive dance with him, and Randy and Ryan join him. Way to not take yourself too seriously, Idol.
One Republic is going to sing the song ‘Apologize.’ I’m all like, ‘huh?’ until I hear the opening strings & I think ‘Oh, THAT song.’ My only question now is will Blake Lewis come out & beat box with them. I actually like this song when I don’t hear it every 5 minutes. Oh, no Blake Lewis, but David Archuleta comes out & sings with them. His voice works really well for this song. He closes his eyes, but then the original singer does, too. It’s like dueling eyes-closed singers. It’s like every time the camera is on David A his eyes are closed. Except the last note.
So we’re taking a 5-second break from guest performers to have David A over on the side of the stage. Queso man — Matt Rogers — is in Utah with David A’s grandpa. He’s psycho dad’s dad, so he has to mention that he’s also proud of his son. Then Matt awkwardly tries to interview his other grandpa, who doesn’t speak much English. It doesn’t work.
We haven’t had a performance in 2 minutes, so Ryan calls out Jordin Sparks to sing this boring song. She’s also in a gold dress, but it doesn’t accent her flaws like Mikalah’s did. Jordin does make the unfortunate choice of orange plastic bracelets and orange nail polish. She also put orange fake hair pieces in her hair. I also notice that she’s wearing Christian Louboutin shoes with their tell-tale red sole. A red sole that clashes with her orange theme. Tsk-tsk, Jordin.
Back from break, we get ‘unseen auditions’ from 1972. That means we’re bringing out the ‘technology’ Nigel Lythgoe is so fond of. Gladys Knight, who’s not dead, is singing ‘Midnight Train to Georgia’ with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as backup singers. Yes, those 3 are funny, even though Robert Downey Jr. looks a little embarrassed about the whole thing. Especially when Jack Black gets really into it. Ok, now I realize that was on purpose, as he leaves the stage. Then Jack Black leaves the stage & comes back out with his pants down. Ben Stiller looks confused throughout. It’s silly, and downloads from iTunes will go to charity. They don’t say what charity.
Time for another performance — this time it’s Carrie Underwood. She’s in a ‘dress’ that’s essentially a long suit jacket with a funky train/cape coming off her sleeves. Did Christian design this thing? In that case, it’s fabulous. Oh yeah, and she’s singing ‘Last Name’ all about how she’s going to keep the sanctity of marriage. Or something like that. At least she’s a better performer than she was when she was on American Idol.
Ah, well played, Guitar Hero. They’ve also got David Archuleta doing the same Tom Cruise thing. He looks like he sucks at Guitar Hero as much as I do.
Time for a Top 12 cheese-a-thon! The girls come out singing George Michael’s ‘Faith.’ Is Amanda Overmyer drunk? She sure looks & sounds like it. Then the guys come out & sing ‘Father Figure,’ which is a little creepy. I love that the producers gave the ‘naked’ line to David Hernandez. I love even more that he does the intense whisper on it & smiles. He’s telling all of us, ‘look, yeah, I was a stripper. It’s stupid to lie about it.’ Then all of them go into ‘Freedom.’ Yeah, they’re collectively rhythmically challenged. I keep trying to find Overmyer to see if she passes out, but I think she remains upright through the whole medley.
Then Cook introduces the real George Michael. I wonder if he did some pot with Jason Castro before the show. Oh, forgot, Jason doesn’t do that. He’s got some big old Linda Richman glasses on. He’s singing ‘Praying For Time’ and is it just me, or does he sound a bit off? Maybe it’s just that he’s aging like a combination of Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond. His Greek roots are showing. I feel like he should shlep me a piece of spinach pie, and that’s not what I should be thinking about right now. Paula’s crying, of course. George is going on tour, and apologized for having a cold. Well that explains the odd noises he was making.
We’re finally at the end of the show, folks. We’re finally going to find out who’s going to win this thing. Randy says they’re both winners. Paula’s honored & proud & says it’s the start of their destiny. Simon congratulates both of them and apologizes to Cook for being almost disrespectful to him last night. He also says he doesn’t care who wins. Of course you don’t, Simon, ’cause both of them are going to get a contract.
Then we have the accountant dude come out with the envelope. Ryan of course draws this thing out to no end. The winner, by 12 million votes, is David Cook. Simon looks ecstatic. David Cook is crying and congratulates David Archuleta before doing anything. Camryn Manheim is going crazy in the audience. Ryan gives DC a moment to address the crowd as the new Miss America. I mean, American Idol.
The winning song is ‘This is The Time Of My Life’ and David Cook has to start singing. Or mumbling it, in his case. He makes it through the song, and the obligatory fireworks come raining down on the stage. David’s not dumb — he goes for the stage behind the judges, safely away from the hazard. Someone at the sound mixing board turns up a backup singer way louder than David, which is weird. We then get a nice shot of David’s pooch since he decided not to button his shirt. Way to leave us, DC. And way to end the season, Idol. It’ll be a few months before I miss you, though.